trying to remain calm

[wishingwell17]

I voiced my need to end our r/s (see earlier post). He said he thinks we have not tried, read the books I purchased (also purchased 2+ years ago and he tossed and made light of).

Here is todays stress:

He is claiming the problems in the relationship are "all" me, he said "100%". Again today. That I have deep issues I do not understand and I act out and I am not aware of what I do and I do not remember events correctly. That he cannot deal with "my" roller coaster. That my behaviors trouble him and my outbursts make so sense.

This is REALLY troubling to me and feels like more ambient/verbal abuse. It is very far from the truth and not just that but the lack of any accountability for anything(and there is so very much) is bizarre.  I know I participate. I know part of it is me. I realize I can make things worse sometimes and require more work on myself. I do verbalize my accountability and remorse for my part. It's like he is now taking all of this plus what I have commented on about his behaviors, has added steroids and pouring it on me. It is very difficult to hear and I have no idea how to respond or if I should focus on leaving and allow him to paint me as black as he needs to to feel better.

I am doing my best to be calm, tell myself it will be over soon, it will get better, it is not reality not the truth. I ask myself if my energy is short because I truly have reached my end, am angry at his illness, feel sad about ending this with a man I do love but cannot be partnered with and be healthy.   

I was okay yesterday, feeling sad but balanced. Today this has knocked me sideways. I have not reacted or responded to it at all.

When I next speak to him (Saturday night) do I simply dismiss it, just say "Oh" and repeat my need to be on my own?

I do know when I stated my need to end us, he disagreed and said we needed to try therapy/books first. I did not budge or say anything and then he changed and became agitated and started with "I think about ending all the time TOO!"

Has anyone had this happen as their partner realized you are serious and are leaving?   His public persona is one of being quiet, shy and passive. EVERYONE describes him as the "Nicest guy in the World". And, to them I am sure he is exactly this person.  And, he will tell them I am "crazy".  I have "stuff" but I am not what he is saying. It really hurts. Is this him trying to feel better? Or break me down so I do not follow through?

I am finding myself becoming angry at myself for allowing it to get to this point. Man, I think I was in denial about so very much.

My friends tell me: "at least it will be the LAST time he rages?" true enough I suppose. Ugh.

[gina louise]

wishingwell17

stbxBPDhtinction Bursts plus heavy projection. Blame.

Happened to me and is still happening to me almost 13 weeks out and my divorce settlement is looming.

My HUSBAND is good as Gold outside the home, away from me. People love him, he is kind, quiet and helpful.

At home he was abusive, erratic and unstable. Unspeakably scary and deranged.

My HUSBAND has stated that the issues are also 100% mine and he's the innocent victim of my abuse.   "?"

Almost exactly the very same words you heard.

Never once did I raise my voice lose my temper rage, blame or call him foul names.

But all those things he did to me, and much more- in private- will never see the light of day.

It's incomprehensible, Irrational and utterly wrong, to boot.

Just be boring and dull... .  and get away. Don't JADE. Don't argue. Don't try to make him see his part. Mine has had 12 weeks alone and cannot accept HIS portion of the death of our r/s. and it was HUGE! He may never be able to admit any of it was his doing.

that's OK. I no longer need that from him.

I know and God knows what happened. I care less whether HUSBAND can admit it.


let us know what happens,

GL

[real lady]

((wishingwell17)) I agree with gina louise... .  the less emotional you appear, the easier it will be for you if not for him. There seems to be "no explaning" and your soon to be ex seems to be discounting what you are saying as if he is not even hearing you. To repeat it is futile. To hope that he will understand is a waste of your energy. To STAY CLEAR and FOCUSED and JUST DO what you need to do without engaging him in conversation over it might be the best for you. I know that I will NOT be discussing anything WHEN I leave my uBPDso... .  there will be NO discussion. The decision has been made BY HIM and when I leave, I will be gone for good. NO second chances.

Good luck to you hon... .  you can do it and YOUR LIFE will get better... .  soon. 

[wishingwell17]

thank you for your words.

Gina louise: I'm glad you were able to do what was right for you. 13 weeks seems SO FAR AWAY to me today.

Hearing you speak so definitively and clearly gives me something to look forward to for myself.

Real lady: thank you for the reminder. My T also says to just say "Oh" in a neutral way and not engage. If he flips, I will leave and email later about the pick up of my new mtn bike and motorcycle(in his garage - I have a key) and bring a friend. Those are two things I am not going to leave with him.

It hurts to understand he lives in a brain chaos which allows this perception of me and our r/s. There are moments when I hear what he says and I almost need to pinch myself and remind myself that he really does believe this as he says it. I've been stuck between being angry and feeling bad for him.

I have read about extinction burst, I'm not sure I completely "get". I need to read about it again.

I will mantra: BORING, DULL and NO REACTION.

thank you both for the reminders and the good to come. 

thanks and I will update.

[atcrossroads]

I could have written your post.  What a rough situation!  My husband has said the 100% thing to me SO many times I cannot count.  I left him earlier this week, and let me tell you it's been a hell of a rough week, and I know tough times are still ahead (divorce, missing him/our lives, grief, starting over, figuring myself out, etc.), BUT I just could not do it anymore... .  hear that it was all my fault, and if he ever owned and took responsibility, it was a sham.  He would say, "Well, yes, I did rage and break the dresser and I'm not proud of how I treated you, BUT (ALWAYS a "but" what did YOU do to cause me to act that way?"  Generally, what I had "done" was ask a question or disagree with some irrational view he had.

Don't get me wrong, I loved him and STILL do, and we had more good than bad (that is part of what kept me there), but the darkness underneath, the blame, the constant negativity, not to mention the substance abuse... .  I just finally figured out that I had to go.

GL gave you outstanding advice.  Best of luck to you and be careful when you go to get your belongings.  

Here's my post about leaving - it wasn't easy, but you have the advantage of not living together.  Easier to get away.  In my case, things never got better; in fact, they got progressively worse, despite counseling, etc.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193737.msg12198589#msg12198589

[gina louise]

atcrossroads,

I can second this-every time my HUSBAND admitted a partial acknowledgement of his actions it was always with a "BUT YOU MADE ME... .  " attached to it. And never an apology or amends. What for? It was my fault. He was innocent and a victim. That never changed.

That's what finally made me know in my heart of hearts, in my gut... .  that I was not able to go back once I fled his presence.

I tried... .  about a month and a half after I left, we met up and spent a few hours together. Had a tense lunch out and all he kept circling back to was that it was STILL 100% my fault that we had (his words) A Horrible Marriage. No admission that it only GOT horrible once he decided to force me out, file for divorce and sell the house and run away. Ugh. As irrational as ever-after so many weeks to ponder it? Senseless, negative and belittling.

I went home older and wiser. And relieved to be OUT. Trust me. driving away never felt so good.

Oh, I still cried over my losses. I had/have dashed hopes and dreams... .  I wanted to be married, to have that happy life with a man who loved me. That's the KEY-A man who Loves me!

I was missing a crucial ingredient. I mistook attention for affection. Mirroring for appreciation and value. If someone values YOU, as a person-they will never be able to simply, coldly discard YOU.

It's a struggle to be alone, to scrape together the remnants of the life I had-with what's left now.

But somehow, it feels better. less turmoil. No angst. I am not bitter. I tried my best. Gave my All.

And he was still Not Satisfied. So I did the only realistic thing I could do. Turned away.

Said Good Bye.

GL

[nolisan]

Love can't cure mental illness.

We can get as sick or maybe even sicker than them. We still have a conscious / ethics.

It's is like living with an alcoholic - se didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

[LuckyEscapee]

Wishingwell17 like so many others, your words/story could've been mine too.

I have no advice to offer as your own advice for yourself sounds just great. You have your own logic, strength, and soon to be reclaimed calmness. Take care and good luck. Stay strong 

[wishingwell17]

thank all of you so very much for your words.

I left living with him just a couple of days ago. I kept my house and did not rent it for the last eight months - thankfully my situation allowed for this freedom and I feel incredibly lucky I have a place to be/live/go.

reading all of your words and hearing other people who know how it feels to have this experience means the world to me.

my brother, who is aware of some of the issues ( not the rages ) sent me a quote when I let him know I was leaving the r/s.

I think reminding myself to raise my sensitivity to stress during healing ALONG with some long hot yoga will be important.

“Instead of trying to get rid of experiences that happened in the past, instead of trying to get rid of emotional ‘stuff’ supposedly buried inside you, instead raise your threshold. Then, what used to derail you can’t do so anymore. Raising the threshold attacks the problem—sensitivity to stress—at the root, and bypasses the treatment of symptoms, the results of which are almost always temporary. Then the symptoms—depression, anxiety, fear, anger, substance abuse, self-sabotage, confusion, and many others—evaporate of their own accord.”

~ Bill Harris from Thresholds of the Mind

I will worry about healing Sunday. Right now I will get a good nights sleep to meet tomorrow's challenges with a clear head.

thank you