PTSD and BPD?

[Rylee]

I'm really not sure what to DO with myself right now.  We had a VERY hard night last night.  I guess I'm just writing to TELL someone or no one... .  just to vent some of this that lays on my chest.

My BPD also suffers from PTSD as a result of sadistic sexual abuse and torture (from the ages of 6-12).  She will see her abuser when he is not there.  Sometimes it's like she is in 2 worlds and this both confuses and angers her.  It's scary for me and I usually just do my best to keep her safe until she comes back around to reality. 

Last night started with the typical 'black and white' fight about how I am stealing her children (ages 12 and 14 - I raised them for 5 years from ages 2&4 until she left at ages 7&9 and now they are back with me for a year) because they call or text me for things and love and want to spend time with me.  Initially she wanted me to be their 'parent' and loved that we were forming a relationship and now that it's good, she is jealous and angry.  I don't know how NOT to make the kids suffer here.  I'm obviously the more level headed and relate to them the best so they naturally gravitate to the predictable and fun in me.  Since they have been back they are doing better in school and rebelling much less.

SO - while I'm helping the youngest with homework (he refuses to do it with her because she loses patience with him easily) she is angry and cooking dinner... .  the next minute she is staring out the window asking me if I see "him".  Of course, I did not.  This lead to a night of flashbacks, and visions.  It's hard to watch her go through - but sometimes - selfishly - it's just hard for ME to do.  I want to be able to do what *I* want sometimes.  When it isn't the children or pets needing me - it's her.  Last night I was stretched to my limit.

It is SO hard to remain ME during all of this.  Today she is emotionally and physically exhausted and crying and sleeping.  She says she doesn't want to 'be' anymore and is really upset that the children got a glimpse of her 'episodes' last night (they and I have had a talk about this and they are aware that she has these moments but haven't been present for one until last night). 

I don't know what my role is.  What I should be working on to make this as good as it can be.  I'm tired.

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[tuli]

She is probably dealing with one of the hardest things to recover from.  I am afraid there isn't really much role for a caretaking partner in this other than what you are doing.  The psychiatric elements are so extreme here.  I hope she has lots of help in terms of therapy, meds, psychiatric consult.  Usually this kind of abuse gets into dissociative disorder, and that's major psychiatric stuff.  Her journey in a sense needs to be travelled alone, whereas with just borderline issues you as a partner can really interfere and change things hugely. 

I would say your role here is to be there for those children.  What you are doing for them can be life-changing as far as their future.  Put all of your focus on them, as you are already.  What's done is done for her, sadly, and only she can walk herself through it and hopefully find a way out.  But what you give to those children can break the cycle of her family abuse, which is in a way doing a great service to her.  Do not underestimate your role there. 

[Rylee]

She is medicated and has been to DECADES of therapy previously but is not currently.  The PTSD episodes are getting further between but the BPD is a constant. 

I do focus on being there for and with the children, establishing house rules and a routine are my roles as well.  They are truly thriving again - as they were last time with me - however, if the comes to believe that I'm only in this relationship for the children, she will leave (this was a HUGE issue in our last break up - I 'stole' her children)... .  and sadly as a lesbian couple I have NO legal rights to the children at all.  It is hard for me not to entirely focus on them sometimes - I was meant to be a mother but that didn't come to fruition for me... .  and honestly? They are predictable and 'normal' in their responses to stress or conflict.  Sometimes dealing with her is too stressful and she rarely can have FUN with us.

I love her, I really really do and I just want to be doing all I can do to make this as good as it CAN be given the circumstances.  I worry constantly about upsetting her and what the children see and hear. 

[TigerEye]

Hey Rylee

Welcome to the bpdfamily.com family, I'm really sorry to hear about the things you have had to endure, everybody here knows your pain in one way or another, this is a good place for you to find support and understanding in what can be a very confusing, tiring and at times, scary situation.

My simple advice to you, because it made a difference for me, is to read all you can, posts and lessons, understanding the disorder and what it is we as SO's have to deal with, and learning how to stop making it worse, can bring some breathing space. It takes time and practice but it can, at times, make a difference. Understanding what the relationship is/can be and our role in it, changing the way we communicate, understanding how the behaviours can manifest and how they are not always about what we have said/done, but how our SO's are feeling inside, and setting boundaries and limits can improve the relationship, but it is a big commitment and I'm sure we've all felt overwhelmed at times - I certainly have and it wasn't a good feeling. Check out the links on the right hand side for Working on a BPD Relationship.

It appears to me that you are committed to this relationship and are looking for ways to improve it, so the biggest lesson to learn is how to take care of YOU, if YOU are not healthy, YOU are not helping the situation. Sounds simple but can take a bit to get your head around in the early stages. Take particular attention to the lessons and advice on physical violence, this is never acceptable and is something that needs addressing - how serious has it been?

Post here as much as you need, vent or ask questions. I found just the process of venting on these boards releases some of the anger and resentment which was not helping my situation. I found that as people who are not as close to my SO as I am do not experience the things I do, they found it hard to comprehend what I was talking about, they think I'M crazy - why put up with it? Talking with people who have an understanding of what you are going through is a therapy in it's self.

I totally understand where you are coming from with the children situation, I was accused of trying to steal my SO's children whilst I was looking after them when their mum was in rehab. I believe this came from her feeling a deep rooted fear that she had lost her precious control over them because she was not able to be here with them - an ugly no win situation for me. I also know that my presence in the house brings stability to the children's life, they like having a stable person who is consistent in the love they give and the boundaries they set, a good routine makes them feel grounded (been there with the homework thing too!). It makes a difference with their school life as well, attendance is back where it should be and the rebelling is lessening. Having you around to talk to about the episodes will be a great comfort for them.

This is all just the humble opinions of a relative newbie, but I do know that these things have helped me, I'm still very much in the learning process but I have noticed a positive difference. Take care of you, and I hope it makes a difference for you. 

[tuli]

Okay.  I get that.   Then you do need to interfere just to stay in the relationship with her and kids.  And you are not worried she is having hallucinations, right?  This is still heavy-duty flashbacks? 

Having zero rights with this kids is very sad.  I just want to say, that you have done very good work with them from what you have written, and they are at a good age where they can tuck that away no matter what happens. 

I guess you would have to explain PTSD to the kids at some point if she is getting this bad.  There used to be a really good one page handout floating around recovery groups for people having PTSD flashbacks that explained what it feels like and what you go through with them really simply.  They should be okay with a simple explanation and not get too freaky when she is having flashbacks if you are calm about it.  Maybe you have done this already with them.  They probably need to know their mom is sick all the time, and PTSD does feel like you are sick all the time, so they should be okay with that explanation.

I know when I did live in childcare I had a very insecure mother who would get very freaky when the kids called me mom occasionally, and I had to do a lot of, "Why don't you show that to your mom," or "Let's ask your mom about that," just to get the pressure off that area and emphasize her role.  But again, you probably are already doing this. 

I can't say much about the borderline issues because I don't know which ones you're dealing with.  But it does sound like you have a handle on things pretty well, if that's even possible in this situation. 

[Rylee]

Well, we had another 'incident' on Thursday night.  This was after a Wednesday night of hallucinations and flashbacks.

Thursday the eldest son texted me to come pick him up from wrestling practice instead of her.  This triggered the "I'm losing my kids" thing and -with some other circumstances that aren't really worth detailing here - led to me being roughed up a bit (a few bruises and scratch marks on the back of my arms where her nails dug in).  I was then kicked out of my house (and yes, I say MY house because it is fully in MY name) - she also took my keys.  I spent 5 hours in my car before she calmed enough for me to come back home.  I never push the MY house issue because if she leaves the kids will be yanked around too in the heat of battle and I don't think that is best for them.  In fact?  When she is raging at me - she becomes super mom to them, everything is funny and pleasant.  Actually, while I was driving around aimlessly - they went to dinner and watched television.  Meanwhile I am getting the most hateful texts ever. 

The next morning?  She is in full sobbing break down mode.  Sigh.  I'm expected to just pick up and go on like nothing happened.

I have had a talk with the kids about their mother's past and how it is effecting our 'now'... .  they typically retreat to the upstairs when fighting or flashbacks happen and are content to let me handle her.  They know she isn't 'right' all the time, and don't push her.

How to take care of 'me' is the question... .  how to make her see the consequences of her actions... .  how to mentally wrap my head around what my life has become... .  Ahhh

[tuli]

You are in a clear place mentally, and that's really important to keep your sanity when she's so out there.  You have a very tough road because of no legal protection, visitation rights, so it's going to be pretty much an intuitive thing, deciding how to handle the physical aspects of it.  You got where you got because of love, and that's not a bad thing.  The answer to all of this is spiritual, not that I am religious or anything, but in the Zen sense.  You are a lifeboat for the kids.  You can't help her except to contain her, as you are doing.  I would try to get lots of outside help and support.  You are in unchartered territory, so I would take advice from your support system, therapists and family and friends outside your relationship in terms of how to handle things.  It's just incredibly hard stuff.