Friendship becoming hard again

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

I've posted on here (detaching normally) many times about my friend who I suspect has BPD/NPD.  We have been reacquainted since 2015; previously to that I hadn't heard or seen him in 26 years.  Over the past 4 years it has been rocky to say the least with me getting frustrated at the way he treats me and we have had some pretty long silent treatments; the longest being 11 months.

So we have been back in contact with again since 1st January.  We've hit a few bumps in the road but I am desperately trying not to take anything he does or says personally but its so hard.  The first 3 months of being back in contact I was a very supportive friend as he was having a mental health crisis and was incredibly suicidal.  I spoke to him daily and texts back and forth making sure he was ok and my husband knew I was in contact with him as I was so worried about him ending his life.  He called me things like 'amazing' and 'an angel'.  However, since he did something inappropriate over whatsapp, I distanced myself a bit but still let him know I was there for him if he needed me.  I can't help but think things have changed as we haven't actually spoken now for 6 weeks and the texts are getting more and more sparse and longer in between each one.  He has reached out to ask me how I am first (I have been diagnosed with gallstones which have made me so ill lately) but when I update him he never returns the texts or says something simple like 'good, glad to hear you are feeling better' or 'sorry to hear you are unwell' like I did to him. Its radio silence until the next time I reach out.  He says nothing has changed other than my 'perception of him' and that the medication he is on makes him really forgetful.  I'm not buying that at all.  If I show a bit of annoyance he insists on no further texts but 'talking only' due to miscommunication, which he knows I can't do easily and it frustrates me so much that he puts restrictions on me.  This is always his go to method when he can't cope with anything a bit negative towards him.

I guess my point is; I'm not sure how much longer I can do this without losing my rag with him so looking for strategies to handle this sporadic contact. I appreciate this sounds daft but I guess my insecurities/abandonment fears are creeping in.  I'm not sure whether I've been split as I took to distance myself for a bit?

[Cat Familiar]

You've been a concerned friend to him and you've known him for a long time. He hasn't been nearly as participatory in your life as you would have hoped. You try not to take his comments or behavior personally.

During his recent mental health crisis, you kept in regular contact with him as you were worried about him being suicidal. He did something which caused you to distance yourself and you haven't spoken for some weeks.

Though you extend care and concern to him, he doesn't seem to reciprocate much in that way.

What is keeping you participating in this relationship?

[formflier]

Does he have a therapist/mental health team involved in his life?  What kind of medical care did he get in his suicidal phase?  Has that phase passed?

Best,

FF

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

Cat Familiar; I don’t know why I keep participating as I know he can’t or won’t engage fully unless he is depressed then I seem to be a source of comfort.  I do like him though, he can be a really deep person at times and we do get on most of the time. However it can be  a one way street and hard to engage him.  I’m not sure that when he is well he doesn’t like that he was vulnerable with me when in crisis and feels shame?  He begged me not to walk away from him yet now I’m finding him hard to engage.

Formflier, yes he is now out of this crisis with a lot of help from MH teams, medication and therapy.  He is very committed to getting well and not let it beat him.  He did therapy every day, twice.a day sometimes and does still go.  The MH team did want to section him at one point but he talked his way out of it for fear of it losing him work.

[Cat Familiar]

So you’re his comfort when he’s in crisis and then when he’s better, he’s embarrassed that you’ve seen him at his low point and doesn’t want to engage.

Do you think of yourself as a rescuer?

[insideoutside]

So you’re his comfort when he’s in crisis and then when he’s better, he’s embarrassed that you’ve seen him at his low point and doesn’t want to engage.

Do you think of yourself as a rescuer?

Yes I guess; I was kinda raised trying to sort everyone’s problems out and sticking up for people.  It’s what I do but it’s never reciprocated.

We are supposed to be talking on the phone tonight but if he doesn’t make the effort then neither will I. 

[Cat Familiar]

If you didn’t do that, what would happen?

[formflier]

Were you involved with the Mental Health team?  Did they give you guidance on the type of support that THEY believed would be helpful for him?

It's wonderful to reach out and provide support to/for people.  Some of us have "rescuer" tendencies which keeps us in rescue mode longer than is helpful.  Other's are oblivious and need to learn how to step in and help others more.

Which of those two more likely describes you?

FF

[insideoutside]

I wasn’t in contact with his MH team as I don’t live in the same area.  I supported him the best way I knew how by being there if he needed to talk, validating his feelings, being empathic, helped give him ideas about his housing situation etc.  I was literally his support every single day.

So he didn’t ring, like he didn’t ring last week after saying he would.  No text to say he wouldn’t either.  Like I said previously, he is blaming his medication for making him forgetful but I’m not buying it.  If he’s met someone and all of his time is idealising them then that’s fine, just tell me.  I just can’t stand the way things are at the moment.  I’m just so disappointed in his recent behaviour.

[formflier]

OK...take this as a broad brush advice.

If a pwBPD gives you "silent treatment" or "won't talk to you"...whatever.  Instead of being disappointed..."believe them". 

For whatever reason they have determined talking isn't a good thing.  It might happen that if you "pushed it" the conversation could go badly.

You'll obviously never know exactly why he didn't ring you.  Hopefully you can do something for yourself to handle your hurt feelings.

Another way of looking at it is that he is giving you a "push" signal.  When that happens...DO NOT chase after him.  He wants space for some reason...let him have space.

Hope this helps.

FF

[insideoutside]

Hi FF

My head is struggling with this so much.  How can I have gone from somebody who would literally talk him through everything, tried to find him accommodation, give him advice, listen to him and worry sick about him night and day to somebody he barely bothers with.  It took him 8 hours to respond to a text I sent him Monday evening.  I replied to the one he sent almost immediately and 8 hours later he sent a short response at 10pm.  I've seemingly gone from an important person to him, in his words 'a good, respected friend to him' who had been 'amazing' helping him through his mental health crisis to somebody he can barely bother with.  He obviously do not have any use for me anymore.

He mentioned once about me having a split personality as part of a joke and when I said no he said 'well I do'.. so maybe that's what he really does have.  I'm sat here really annoyed, sad and hurt.

I've sat on my hands all morning trying not to contact him but have just text 'I'm obviously not important to you anymore so I I'm calling it quits'.

[insideoutside]

So I just expanded on my text to my friend with a more heartfelt one explaining how I feel etc.  

Just got a reply from him saying 'GROW UP'. Nothing more.

Wow.  Just Wow.  After all I have done for him.

[formflier]

It's tough to not get the communication you believe you should get/deserve from someone.

What extra can you do today to take special care of yourself?  Seriously...kindness to yourself is in order!

FF

[insideoutside]

No idea.  Just want to curl up in a ball.  I'm trying not to get upset.

I just can't believe he has invalidated my feelings with 'GROW UP'.  I have tried to put myself in his shoes and I really don't think I would ever respond that way to somebody that helped me out enormously when I was at a very low point in my life.  He was very vulnerable and open with me during his crisis and we got very close.  Now I feel like a stranger.

I think he is infatuated with someone and my contact is an annoyance because of the past few weeks its been getting less and more sparse.  

[formflier]

No idea.  

What is something you enjoy?   What do you normally do to be kind to yourself in tough times?

FF

[insideoutside]

I don't do anything to be honest.  I sit and dwell and overthink.  I can't even think right now of things to do to make me feel better because I feel like rubbish.  Just waiting to finish work as this is now consuming my thoughts.

In hindsight I should had realised I was being devalued when the texts started getting shorter and the gap between calls longer.  I guess I must had been triangulated with someone else, he made just enough contact to make me feel he was still there and cared.

I'm such a fool for falling for it again.

[formflier]

I don't do anything to be honest.  

I'm such a fool for falling for it again.

Hey...  

Can I shift the focus on this thread?

There is a common thing that I and many (most) others who end up on these boards do.  

We put others first so much that our own needs become an afterthought (or aren't thought of at all)

So, since we have layed ourselves out there so much for people that we care about, we expect that they will reciprocate.  Then when they don't...we are worn down and out of energy.  We normally react badly (like most people do) when we are worn down.

I certainly have had to put my own needs first.  Then I approach my relationships with others from a position of "being at my best".

Perhaps you can think of it this way.  You care about others.  Don't they deserve the best from you?

FF assignment...get a cool drink and go for a long walk.  Long walk!  I find that I'm ruminate through the first mile, then somewhere in that second mile things change and by the third mile I'm in a much better place.

Can you take a walk today and tell me about it later?

FF

[Upandown]

Insideoutside.  I have known and helped a woman (friend sometimes, a little romantic others) who I believe is an uBPD.  She has had some of the behavior of your friend.  I also feel very hurt frequently.  They can be very self absorbed unless their crisis drives them to seek you out.  And then you help with the crisis and then they become self absorbed again.  Some MH professionals think people with borderline traits are not able to adequately store emotional memories.  They really do live in the present and each day is starting over.  A little exaggerated maybe but the condition exists.  So we think we have a significant emotional, historical narrative with them.  And that they will act accordingly and respond to us accordingly.  But they don't; and it's extremely upsetting to us; and would be to anybody.  So I think it's best to acknowledge how bad that behavior makes us feel, that we feel we don't matter, that they are not as time passes capable of emotionally remembering what we did for them.  If you are interested in this in more depth, Google episodic memory, also the author Thomas Fuchs.

[insideoutside]

FF; i did some gardening as I enjoy that.  He tried to call me that evening but I was asleep.  He left a message pretty much berating my behaviour as ‘bad’ but then seemed to remember not to be negative and totally changed his tune and finished with hope you’re well, take care. He then followed up with a message a couple of days later about charting this week.  So I guess he might have had into some insight into how his behaviour was affecting me.  Still haven't spoken yet though.

Up and Down, thank you.  Yes it’s definitely that they forget what you’ve done for them until they need your help in a crisis again.  I’ll look up episodic memory; it’s sounds like my friend.