Kid Pick ups/transitions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have a frequent issue of my ex picking the kids up on my parenting days without notifying me.  This in some cases is my ex’s boyfriend picking my S5 up at 11:30 and having him the rest of the day.

Currently my ex has reduced her pay, and her work hours allowing her to pick the kids up from school everyday including my days.  Ex had successfully lobbied to be able to do this in our existing/initial custody order, pick the kids up on my days because she gets out earlier than me.  The one condition was that she is required to notify me when she is picking the kids up on my days.   Fortunately, initially her work day was long enough that she had to use the babysitter even on her days to pick up.  Now, she found a job that gets out at 3:30 and she picks them up – or has bf pick them up, everyday.  I obviously do not like this as ex has abused the notification part and on many occasions picks the kids up without telling me and on numerous occasions I have showed up at the sitters and – no kids.  At times she puts the babysitter in the middle telling her (the sitter) to contact me about ex picking the kids up. 

Aside from her working at a reduced pay, I am considering going back to court to amend the order to eliminate the pickups.  Next year I would like to use my own before/after care on my days so I can have total control of the kids on my days.  The court has allowed ex to reduce her pay some $20k compared to the last two years which means, not only does she get the kids every day, my child support has gone up nearly $400 a month.  So she basically has the same amount of money coming in each month compared to the last two years.  Just more $$$ out of MY pocket.

My concern with anyone else but me or ex picking the kids up, on my days, is legal.  I am responsible for the kids on my parenting time which means I SHOULD know where and who they are with during my parenting time.  Ex has abused the order in this regard and it doesn’t help when I tell her about this.

I have informed ex – at least I have documented that she shouldn’t be doing this.  I was thinking of sending her attorney a letter, and maybe notifying school of what’s going on.  I also question, in the grand scheme, do I just take it (like most other things) and is this worth the aggravation of addressing.

Looking for opinions.

 

[scraps66]

I have a frequent issue of my ex picking the kids up on my parenting days without notifying me.  This in some cases is my ex’s boyfriend picking my S5 up at 11:30 and having him the rest of the day.

Currently my ex has reduced her pay, and her work hours allowing her to pick the kids up from school everyday including my days.  Ex had successfully lobbied to be able to do this in our existing/initial custody order, pick the kids up on my days because she gets out earlier than me.  The one condition was that she is required to notify me when she is picking the kids up on my days.   Fortunately, initially her work day was long enough that she had to use the babysitter even on her days to pick up.  Now, she found a job that gets out at 3:30 and she picks them up – or has bf pick them up, everyday.  I obviously do not like this as ex has abused the notification part and on many occasions picks the kids up without telling me and on numerous occasions I have showed up at the sitters and – no kids.  At times she puts the babysitter in the middle telling her (the sitter) to contact me about ex picking the kids up. 

Aside from her working at a reduced pay, I am considering going back to court to amend the order to eliminate the pickups.  Next year I would like to use my own before/after care on my days so I can have total control of the kids on my days.  The court has allowed ex to reduce her pay some $20k compared to the last two years which means, not only does she get the kids every day, my child support has gone up nearly $400 a month.  So she basically has the same amount of money coming in each month compared to the last two years.  Just more $$$ out of MY pocket.

My concern with anyone else but me or ex picking the kids up, on my days, is legal.  I am responsible for the kids on my parenting time which means I SHOULD know where and who they are with during my parenting time.  Ex has abused the order in this regard and it doesn’t help when I tell her about this.

I have informed ex – at least I have documented that she shouldn’t be doing this.  I was thinking of sending her attorney a letter, and maybe notifying school of what’s going on.  I also question, in the grand scheme, do I just take it (like most other things) and is this worth the aggravation of addressing.

Looking for opinions.

 

[ForeverDad]

I managed to get into my order (actually settlement) that daycare was equivalent to school.  That helped counteract my ex's sense of entitlement that Her Motherhood trumped all.  Yes, it was clear she couldn't trump school, but I knew that since school got out a few hours before I did, it surely would be an issue - and it was.

From what I've heard here, that's somewhat unusual, but I needed that or else I knew I'd be experiencing what you are without an effective way to deal with it.

Why won't they impute her income at full time rates?

[Thunderstruck]

That seems like an icky loophole in your agreement. She's not technically doing anything wrong except the non-notification part and that would be hard to prove. Maybe you can keep a log of each incidence when this happens then take it to your lawyer and see if that is enough grounds to get that clause removed.

I think this would be hard to argue in court, the judge would probably say "Why should the kids sit in daycare when a parent is available to be with them?". Even if she is encroaching on your time.

Instead maybe you can think of a way so that you get a more distributed equal time with the kids? She gets a couple hours a day so maybe you can have more weekend or additional weeknight time?

Work on the communication, that is always tough. You could send her an e-mail on your days and "remind" her that if she plans on picking up the kids to please let you know. And do this each and every time. At least it sounds like she's handing them over to you and not blocking your visitation, so that's good!

[tog]

My SO had that problem too. It started because when they were first separated, she paid for after school care and vacation care as she made more money. Even though they had 50/50, in her mind, this became "her time" because she had previously paid for the care, so when he filed for divorce and she started engulfing SS, she insisted she should have him with her every day after school (suddenly, after 10 years of his life, she was free to watch him after school... .  always had been, but never chose to until it became time to show she was MOTY  ).

My SO had to fight this one long and hard, she tried in every court appearance to make this "her time". In his case, he is able to leave early to get him, so he does. Now he's in private school and can hang out afterward until 4:30 with his friends, so it's not an issue anymore.

But would you be surprised to know that she still wants him picked up every day at 3:00 regardless? Too bad.

[david]

I agree with FD about imputed income. I am in Pa. (I believe you are too from other posts) and that was the way it was done in our situation. The fact that she got a new job that pays less is her choice and shouldn't be used against you. She could have kept her job. Unless she can show a good reason for the job change she is capable of making more money.

I had problems with picking the kids up at school too. Not the same as your situation but what I did was give them a copy of the court order. My ex refused to let me pick the boys up at school. The court order gave me permission to do exactly that. The reason my order said that ( I had it written that way) was to keep distance from ex and me since she kept saying she was afraid I would hurt her. Picking the kids up at school instead of her place made us over 3 miles away from each other. It addressed ex's concerns and also worked for the kids. Judge liked the idea but ex was pretty pissed. I would send an email to school every day I pick them up. I would cc the email to their teachers and also ex. After the first year I emailed the school and the teacher only. If, for some unforseen reason, I am running late I call the school and take care of it myself.

One thing I have found that worked for me several times is to have written exactly what I presented in court. It's written so that the judge can copy exactly what I wrote and it becomes the order. Over 90 % of our custody agreement is now exactly the way I wrote it. It takes several rewrites before it is written just right.

[marbleloser]

IMHO,you don't need to contact her atty.He/She'll likely ignore you. Take your court order to the school(They should have a copy) and show them where it says she's to notify you if she picks them up. Tell them that this hasn't been happening and show them proof if you can.

"The one condition was that she is required to notify me when she is picking the kids up on my days."

Next,file contempt charges if she's going against the court order.Have your proof ready for trial if needed.I'd make sure to include everything I could in this contempt charge.You don't want to be going to court over every little thing,as that will nickle and dime you to death.Deal with every issue you can at this time.

Also,her reducing her hours to be able to pick up the kids is going to be looked upon favorably by the court.It shows that she's not more concerned about money than she is the kids.That it's costing you more money is going to be irrelevant and if you bring that up,guess who looks like he's more concerned with money than the kids well being?  Can you reduce the amount of hours you work as well?

Think "best interest of the kids".