Upset at therapy/support group

[shatra]

Hi--

  I have been going to a supprot group and find it helpful to vent feelings and try to focus on getting better (not obsessiing somuch, not being so critical of the pwBP, etc.). Yet I am finding I am feeling upset with the group.  The other group members just focus on judging their partners, and giving every last detail of what he or she did.

  The group is supposedly focused on our recovery, yet some have been going there for years, and still vent about the partner, not talking ab out themselves or what "they" need to do to change or accept the pwBPD. The group leader suggested that people focus on themselves mre, but it isn't happening.

  I need to be less critical, and dfocus on the small amount of good and relief I am getting. Yet I feel frustrated listening week after week to people who just rehash what the partner did last week, or 20 years ago. I want to practice radical acceptance, and I am not going to quit the group, yeet I feel upset.

Take care,

Shatra

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Shatra, sounds like that would be frustrating, no doubt about it.

Would it be possible to use some of the skills you've learned here and 'lead by example'?

Good luck!

[Ring of fire]

I completely agree with you Shatra. I have a support group here in Chicago and it  happens all the time. I do think if you talk about you,your success, share an exercise from DBT you  can change the focus even for a few minutes.

[waverider]

I find that too, and it is understandable especially for those who dont have other outlets to let their feelings out.

After my own period of venting I came to the same view as you, and have now turned it around and practiced what I have learned to help validate and help others, (almost using BPD tools on the affected nons). After all they tools are for dealing with upset emotional people who appear to be over reacting.

Remember you are here on the staying board whereas that group wil represent all sides of it, and you will get similar venting on the other boards on this site even, which can at time present difficult moderating issues.

[gina louise]

I find myself using the tools on people in my life that present difficult/obnoxious behaviors to me... .  and it helps a lot.

I can still use the tools with my husband,  who's divorcing me. I can make things smoother and not worse-even with him, even now and even via text or e-mail. it's not like we have to be in the same room, or on the phone.

Validation works wonders-once you remove what you wish they said or did, or felt. I'm never good at it 100% but even 50% makes a tremendous difference in our interactions, and all I do is adjust MY behaviors.



GL

[almost789]

I think thats a good idea Shatra, perhaps youve outgrown that group. No one wants to listen to chronic complainers especially when you ready to move forward. Unfortunately, gripping and venting  acting like a victim in  the early stages of discovery and recovery is inescapable. Its something we all have to go through. Too bad the groups could be separated by the differing levels of acceptance. I also agree, that perhaps you can support those who are still stuggling in sharing your story and experiences in how you were able to move forward.

[shatra]

Hi---

   Thanks for the support. Lifegoes on, you are right, I feel I may have outgrown the group. Yet I feel it may be "character building" for me to "stick it out" with them.Yes, griping and venting are normal in the early stages of recovery---I will at times gripe and vent in the group too. The thing is that the ones I am talking about have been going there for 20 years! I'm shocked at the minimal progress.

  Gina, sorry to hear about your divorce. It sounds like validating others is helping you with all different people.  Waverider, you are right, they might not have other outlets to vent in---yet I feel they "should" focus on recovery, not rehashing the same thing they have vented in the group 30 times already... .  rather than subject the group to their harsh "finger-pointing"----yet I realize I am being harsh and finger-pointing at them!

    Ringoffire and Phoebe123----good idea to share my own recovery tools when I vent in the group. I guess that's all I can control. Someone else in the group talked to a member last month about how the member doesn't move forward, and just rehashes the pain she is in over her partner, and suggested exercises the member can do to start recovery (after 20 years in the group!)----yet the member hasn't done this, and still comes in each week saying "He did this, that and the other"---never talking about recovery. SO I feel frustrated, yet the group is helpful to me.

THanks

Shatra

[waverider]

Getting stuck in the "neg rave" ( a rehab term) is a difficult rut to get out of and very disabling. This is were it is important that the group facilitators are skillful Ts who can turn issues around into constructive healing directions. With questions such as "how are YOU going to change the way this affects you?"

[yeeter]

The one time I tried a group session, we were pretty direct about challenging each other if it just turned into a gripe session.

In part, I thought that was the point of the group (basically the same as this board... .  if you are stuck and just droning on about the same old same old, someone is going to call you on it)

If I were in the group likely that is the 'example' I would try to be setting (Im there for self improvement, which means being honest with myself and facing my own behaviors - so definitely please call me on it and guess what, Im going to (politely) call you on stuff I see you doing.  Its part of the pact of therapy imo.

[waverider]

The one time I tried a group session, we were pretty direct about challenging each other if it just turned into a gripe session.

In part, I thought that was the point of the group (basically the same as this board... .  if you are stuck and just droning on about the same old same old, someone is going to call you on it)

If I were in the group likely that is the 'example' I would try to be setting (Im there for self improvement, which means being honest with myself and facing my own behaviors - so definitely please call me on it and guess what, Im going to (politely) call you on stuff I see you doing.  Its part of the pact of therapy imo.

The good thing about doing this, is that it reinforces to you that you need to "walk your own talk". That is, the more you emphasis to others that they need to take action to get control of their lives back, the more it makes you determined to do the same.

Much as we do here.

I know it is difficult influencing people with a set in mind set, but that in itself is much like dealing with a pwBPD. Its all good practice at taking a lead yourself, rather than just following the default mood.

[shatra]

Hi

Yes, Yeeter, part of the group would ideally be for venting, part for challenging and changing. I often will vent and gripe in the group, yet I also add on what I am doing to recover (or I talk about how I didn't use a technique, and feel the uncomfortable effects).

  Waverider, that was helpful, to point out that dealing with a group member like we learn to cope with the pwBPD can be helpful.  Validation can be helpful for anyone.

   I am comfortable with people using the group to vent, even if they don't make much progress. I am thinking of a couple of individuals there, who strictly keep the focus off themselves, though they say they have been going there for 20 years! And they literally spend the whole time finger-pointing and blaming.

   I'm realizing that part of why I am upset is that they remind me of my late BPD mother------blaming others forever and not changing!

Thank you

Shatra

[waverider]

   I'm realizing that part of why I am upset is that they remind me of my late BPD mother------blaming others forever and not changing!

Thank you

Shatra

Some 'nons" are only tagging themselves as nons because their partner is more obviously BPD than they are. It is not always cut and dry, the black and white blaming germ can show anywhere in anyone, officially PD or not.

[yeeter]

   I'm realizing that part of why I am upset is that they remind me of my late BPD mother------blaming others forever and not changing!

The good thing is that you are recognizing this as a trigger for yourself.  And you even understand why!

Now the work is, to prevent it from actually triggering you.  That is... .  you are always going to meet some less than stable people in the world. 

So, how will you handle it?  In a way the group is great practice for you - with a perfect stranger even that you care less about than your own mother.  Detachment comes to mind.  Your life is not intertwined with these individuals, so what would it take to get yourself to that of a casual observer - not triggered by their actions/behaviors.

(in other words - they are not owning their own stuff - why do you care?)

[Randi Kreger]

In SWOE, I talk about the stages of the journey, from focusing on the other person to focusing on yourself. Some people get stuck in a stage. They may be obsessing to cushion themselves against feeling grief.If there is a facilitator I would suggest you talk about the journey and the stages and talk about getting stuck in them, so it's a general thing. Maybe talk about the Kubler Ross stages of grieving. I have also been in the same place, giving educational talks and not being able to move people along to solutions.