If I an no longer the culprit will my waif wife leave me?

[NotPerfect]

I am sorry to over post, but I just realized this at 4 am this morning and can't think about anything else.

For the past 10 years I have been the cruel, insensitve, stubborn, inflexible one in the relationship.

I am entirely convinced that my wife doesn't just have ptsd, depression, anxiety, emtional irregulation. She is a borderline waif and I am the key to her staying that way.

I am a big aggressive looking guy and she is a slight delicate quiet creature.

I have a big booming voice and although I am slow to anger, when I get angry I react like anyone else.

I am not violent and never have been, being the biggest guy has the perk of nobody really messes with you, so I am really just a big mush.

For years I have been scratching my head after a blow up wondering why the heck did that argument get so bad. Was what I said really that cruel or rude? For years I have been saying she is too sensitive.

For years I have been saying why does she take it to that level ( in an argument)

For years I have been saying that I think she wants me to fight, I feel like he is goading me. 

I have often thought she takes the fight to the point where she expects me to hit her and it almost seems like she wants me to (at least that is the way she is acting) .  Believe me I have felt like it, but I have never and will never.

The last few months I have been saying " Honey I love you this is a marriage not a war." 

I have started to just say " That was too far, you should apologize" 

This seems to defuse the immediate situation, but might lead to her spiraling thoughts of suicide and self loathing.

She had a breakdown in November where it was decided that I was the cause and that if I did not stop being cruel she would leave me. 

OK.  So, even though I felt like what she is calling cruel and deeply wounding is what most people say when they fight I made a concerted effort to not say anything that is cruel.

Since then she has raised the bar to the point where I now say the things like I wrote three paragraphs up and they are cruel.  It isn't working. 

It seems almost to make it worse.


My question is this:   

If my wife successfully completes DBT she will no longer feels like she needs to be a victim. And I know longer the culprit. She might suddenly find that she likes nothing about me at all, not that I am detestible and boring, just that things that drew her to me no longer appeal to her or fulfill a need.

What if?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Auspicious]

I don't think anybody can predict that.

It's certainly possible that mutual dysfunction was at least part of what brought you together. And that you will both need to reevaluate your role in the relationship, if therapy significantly changes things.

[NotPerfect]

Absolutely.  I realize that I am not perfect. Hence the name.

Could you tell me more about what you think about me and what your reaction is to what I am saying when you read my post?

I am a little numb at the moment as I try and replay the last 10 years in my head.  I am trying to imagine how our interactions would be if I hadn't said that or she hadn't said that. Would it have gone to that level or would it subside.

Would I still be the culprit if she wasn't trying to reach the desired norm of conflict?

[Auspicious]

I don't know either of you, and I can't judge degrees of fault between you. Or even if the concept of fault makes sense here.

I do know that the only person that you can really understand and change is yourself.

[NotPerfect]

I am new to this.  I need to read the Lessons.

But I think what you are saying is that almost everyone here gets sucked into this and may not have a clear line of where they stand. 

Are they the victim, the culprit or just an unwilling but fully active participant in the cycle?

Because I can't tell if I am a cruel husband or if I am a normal person who reacts to her cruelty and goading appropriately. It could be a little of both. I know that I am sympathetic to other people's needs and try not to hurt others feelings.   

She will often say cruel and blunt things, but she will go off the deep end if I say similar things.

It almost feels like a bait and switch.  I don't think she realizes that she is doing it.

[Auspicious]

In addition to reading the lessons, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist for yourself. Many of us have benefited from doing that.

[NotPerfect]

We have a mutual therapist and her doing the DBT in march is likely going to use up all our available mental health visits.

For the most part the BPD issues arrise in times of stress.  I will have manage if need be.

Thank you.