I'd rather be hurt than forgotten

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Man, they trigger our darkness, don't they? I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling this way - hoping that her actions towards me were an act of vengeance (translated in my head as LOVE) rather than an act of indifference.

She told me a few weeks before the final fracture that if I didn't respond to her a certain way and prove my love for her, she would consider it all a lie (hello, emotional manipulation) and that she hoped I would suffer and choke on my own blood and pain when she left and was 'with other people'.

When things started going (inevitably) awry between us again, she tried to reel her more recent ex back, and when faced with the proof of her duplicity (I'm friends with said ex), attempted to repudiate everything that had happened between us... telling ex2 that she was playing a "role" with me and that she didn't feel that way about me anymore. She had hurt ex2 for nearly 8 years by longing for me and maintaining an intense emotional connection to me throughout the entire course of their relationship!

Ex2 is a better person than I am, and refused to take her back under the premise that, no matter whom she was lying to, it was wrong. Me? I alternate between hoping that she was lying to me (thus reducing my burden of guilt in not keeping her confidence or responding to her as she begged me to), and hoping that she was true to me... .  that her feelings never changed, and that I was really The One in the end. Of course, the latter is stronger, because I would always prefer her hatred over her indifference. 

[mosaicbird]

Man, they trigger our darkness, don't they? I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling this way - hoping that her actions towards me were an act of vengeance (translated in my head as LOVE) rather than an act of indifference.

She told me a few weeks before the final fracture that if I didn't respond to her a certain way and prove my love for her, she would consider it all a lie (hello, emotional manipulation) and that she hoped I would suffer and choke on my own blood and pain when she left and was 'with other people'.

When things started going (inevitably) awry between us again, she tried to reel her more recent ex back, and when faced with the proof of her duplicity (I'm friends with said ex), attempted to repudiate everything that had happened between us... telling ex2 that she was playing a "role" with me and that she didn't feel that way about me anymore. She had hurt ex2 for nearly 8 years by longing for me and maintaining an intense emotional connection to me throughout the entire course of their relationship!

Ex2 is a better person than I am, and refused to take her back under the premise that, no matter whom she was lying to, it was wrong. Me? I alternate between hoping that she was lying to me (thus reducing my burden of guilt in not keeping her confidence or responding to her as she begged me to), and hoping that she was true to me... .  that her feelings never changed, and that I was really The One in the end. Of course, the latter is stronger, because I would always prefer her hatred over her indifference. 

[HarmKrakow]

Rather hurt than forgotten? Rather detaching than being hurt!

What you point down is pain, what you want and need is detachment. Hurt, forgotten. What's in a word? Your pride? I have my reasonable doubt. Why? Because do you think that person cares about it? No, I fear not ...

[mosaicbird]

  If I were good at detaching, I wouldn't be on this forum, would I? 

I'm here because I hold onto things that are unhealthy for me until they kill me. Even now I would go back without hesitation!

[SarahinMA]

I feel ya, mosaic.  Even though I know he's extremely immature, has a lot of negative feelings inside him, and lacks a sense of self, I still find myself caring what he thinks about me.  My ex has shown time and time again that he lacks any empathy for my feelings, even though I was the one who cared the most.  Even after devaluing me, I went with him to his father's funeral.  No one else was there for him (outside of family) and after breaking up with me (a week later) he never looked back.  Not one "hope you're doing okay".  Nothing. 

There's a good line in "Swingers" that says something that you get addicted to the pain.  I find that I just replace one addiction with another... .  an addiction to him to now this addiction to pain, hurt, what might have been, etc etc. 

[Discarded26]

If I were good at detaching, I wouldn't be on this forum, would I? 

I'm here because I hold onto things that are unhealthy for me until they kill me. Even now I would go back without hesitation!

See I thought like that, but I would never want to be with him again. Even though I'm in pain. He does not care, and wont care. I was nothing

[mosaicbird]

See I thought like that, but I would never want to be with him again. Even though I'm in pain. He does not care, and wont care. I was nothing

Being made into nothing is the worst thing someone can do to you. At least it is for me... .  Hence why I would rather be hated - important enough to be hated - than diminished.

Can't live with her, can't live without her. She gets right to my core like nobody else does and makes me feel alive. It's excruciating and exhilarating at the same time. I fear I would always go back for another "fix".

[Discarded26]

See I thought like that, but I would never want to be with him again. Even though I'm in pain. He does not care, and wont care. I was nothing

Being made into nothing is the worst thing someone can do to you. At least it is for me... .  Hence why I would rather be hated - important enough to be hated - than diminished.

Can't live with her, can't live without her. She gets right to my core like nobody else does and makes me feel alive. It's excruciating and exhilarating at the same time. I fear I would always go back for another "fix".

It is the worst thing, but it also is the BEST thing. You realize what is real and isn't. It is a dagger to the heart, but you can't get anymore pain from that. It is what it is, and it's about re training your brain over that certain person.

I get the 'fix' thing. But when your REALLY HONEST, with YOURSELF, you will start to come to terms with things. Yeah I'm having good/bad days. But you got to realize they only think about themselves. It's there feelings etc, it all about them in their head. Not about us

[HarmKrakow]

I feel ya, mosaic.  Even though I know he's extremely immature, has a lot of negative feelings inside him, and lacks a sense of self, I still find myself caring what he thinks about me.  My ex has shown time and time again that he lacks any empathy for my feelings, even though I was the one who cared the most.  Even after devaluing me, I went with him to his father's funeral.  No one else was there for him (outside of family) and after breaking up with me (a week later) he never looked back.  Not one "hope you're doing okay".  Nothing. 

There's a good line in "Swingers" that says something that you get addicted to the pain.  I find that I just replace one addiction with another... .  an addiction to him to now this addiction to pain, hurt, what might have been, etc etc. 

Addicted to the pain, thats what my shrink tells me. He said my behavior looked a lot like the one from a masochist, as he was trying to convince me to stop this looney r/s with my BPD gf as evrytime i came to him in tears about the pain and evrytime he told me, so why continue?

Which of course is a fair point

[seeking balance]

Can't live with her, can't live without her. She gets right to my core like nobody else does and makes me feel alive. It's excruciating and exhilarating at the same time. I fear I would always go back for another "fix".

Addiction at it's finest - as harmkrakow points out.

Self worth - it comes down to understanding our own self worth that we no longer purposely abuse ourselves.

Heal that part of you that you describe only "she" can make feel alive - this is the key.

[TheDude]

Being made into nothing is the worst thing someone can do to you. At least it is for me... .  Hence why I would rather be hated - important enough to be hated - than diminished.

I see what you're saying here. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. As for "forgotten", well - short of a severe brain trauma/amnesia, people don't forget a significant other. They may reinvent their perception of who you were, but forget? Nope. I've had exes from my younger days reappear 30 years later. Of course, I don't think they were Borderline... .  though perhaps a bit wacky. 

Have you seen the film, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"?

[blecker]

Man, they trigger our darkness, don't they?  prefer her hatred over her indifference. 

As do all addictions. Sooner or later they bring us to our knees.

And then indifference is what we beg for.

Your only hope, if you wish the pain to stop, is to find the courage to say no to the desparate need within yourself for another "hit".

For every "hit" you begin again, but more confused, more desparate, more disallusioned, and far more pathetic than the previous "hit".

[HarmKrakow]

And the only reason I let this 'addiction' continue is because i let the looney BPD cross over my boundaries, therefore lost my self dignity and therefore my selfworthiness is slim to none.

Therefore I consider myself weak and think (stupidly) that I can't get anything better and therefore I only want the thing which is not healthy for me.

When I still had my selfworthiness/dignity I had boundaries. And those boundaries told me, no ... don't touch it because it's not good for you. Now, the rationalization between good/bad is bogus

[mosaicbird]

Are you saying you believe you had healthy boundaries before the pwBPD somehow made you unhealthy because you "let" her?

I sure didn't. I don't blame my xwBPD for anything going on in me... .  she triggered a lot of it, yes, but it isn't like she created my issues or is responsible for them.

Not everyone is running from or wants to be rid of pain. Some of us are running from other things and find our pwBPD the best person to run to. (And then from, and then to again.)

[seeking balance]

Not everyone is running from or wants to be rid of pain. Some of us are running from other things and find our pwBPD the best person to run to. (And then from, and then to again.)

This is good insight - pwBPD don't "do" this to us - we allow it to be "done" to us ... .  usually because it feels familiar on some level actually.

[bondafc]

This has helped me... .  

I put this up on my bathroom mirror and read it every morning... .  

I look forward to the day I take it down and don't need it anymore.

   She won’t change.

   You can’t make her better.

   She doesn't love you.

   Things really were that bad.

   You can’t be friends with her.

   She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

   You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person

   She isn't going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

   A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is  the majority of the time.

   You deserve better.

   She isn’t real.  I can’t make her real.

   You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

[blecker]

Well said bondafc.

It is all a self serving illusion. It is what we wish for and wishing is for children.

[struggli]

This has helped me... .  

I put this up on my bathroom mirror and read it every morning... .  

I look forward to the day I take it down and don't need it anymore.

   She won’t change.

   You can’t make her better.

   She doesn't love you.

   Things really were that bad.

   You can’t be friends with her.

   She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

   You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person

   She isn't going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

   A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is  the majority of the time.

   You deserve better.

   She isn’t real.  I can’t make her real.

   You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

Nice list.  I had a similar one somewhere in my home but it has gone.  Maybe I need to hang another one again.