Did I just lose the best thing that I will ever have?

[Scott44]

I expressed feelings of love in telephone calls and emails to a woman who wasn't my wife.  My wife found out about this and left me.  My now ex-wife has been diagnosed as having borderline persoanlity disorder.  I am left with depression, guilt, and regret at having lost the relationship, even though my wife physically and emotionally battered me.  Can you relate to these feelings of guilt?  Have you ever professed love outside of your marriage to a DBPD?  For me, I think I did so because my SO with BPD was beginning to idealize someone else.  A psychiatrist told me that after 3 to 6 monts I will realize that being caught "cheating" was the best thing that could have happened to me.  It's been over a year now and I still long for my DBPD wife.  Is her leaving me the best thing that has ever happened to me or did I just lose the best thing that I will ever have?

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Scott44,



It does feel like that at the beginning of detachment, that we've lost that special once in a lifetime person.  There is a powerful bond with a pwBPD that takes some time to detangle.  No, this isn't the end of all the happiness of your life.  It's like you've just unplugged from the matrix. 

Reading through these articles might be helpful to you:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

How long were you married? 

[Scott44]

Hi and thanks!  I read through the articles you suggested.  My wife and I were together for 11 years, married for 7.  Am I right to blame myself for the end of the marriage? (I was "unfaithful" to my wife in telephone calls and emails to another woman)?

[Rose Tiger]

A relationship break up is due to both people.  You reaching outside of the marriage shows that you were in need of something you weren't getting in the relationship.  You may have been lonely or in need of someone to care.  People with BPD tend to be self absorbed and not able to meet the needs of a spouse.  I thought about reaching out during my marriage, it did cross my mind.  Not made out of wood.  It's hard to go a long time with unmet needs.

Do you have kids?  Are you still in contact with the ex?

[Scott44]

Thanks again RoseTiger.  We didn't have any kids even though we tried IUI 3 times.  No, there is no communication with my ex and that hurts.  It makes me wonder, "Was I so bad that she simply wants to be left alone by me?"

[Rose Tiger]

I see, yes, it does really hurt to be cut off so severely.  It can hurt to the core thinking that they don't care at all and feeling like it is all your fault.  It will be a huge help to you to learn about the borderline disorder, to understand why they don't think or feel as we do.  There are lessons to the right that can help you begin to decipher all this.  People with BPD are extremely emotionally immature, they can be as smart as all get out, but emotionally they are 2 to 3 years old.  There are issues with object consistency and attachment issues.  Bottom line, no it is not all you.  Your indiscrection made it easy for her to point fingers and place blame.  An emotionally healthy spouse would wonder, why did you reach out, what was she not giving you that you needed.  You know, work things through, resolve things, not throw a long term marriage by the wayside.

Is your therapist schooled about BPD?

[Scott44]

Thanks again!  I met my ex wife when I was teaching a personality course (I'm a psychologist) and she was my student.  So we both knew that a diagnosis of BPD could be stigmatizing. My wife was diagnosed with BPD by a therapist who specialized in BPD.  The ironic part is that my wife made me write a letter of complaint to the therapist's superior, saying that the therapist focused too much on BPD and not enough on my ex wife's PTSD from an invalidating childhood!  I, therefore, had a hand in ensuring that her BPD never got properly addressed.  I knew she had BPD but helped her to avoid the label and the treatment that could have come from the specialist in BPD.

[Scott44]

Had I refused to write the letter of complaint, my ex wife may have had to confront the idea that she did have borderline traits.  But it was more important to me at the time that she be appeased and continue to see me as her rescuer and protector.  Now I have to live with the break up of our marriage, the blame for which she places directly on me.

[Scott44]

I just realized, Rose Tiger, that I didn't answer your question about whether my therapist is schooled in BPD.  The answer is yes, he is quite understanding but seems anxious to move me to a place where I am free of all thoughts about my ex.  I must say that isn't likely to happen anytime soon since I still fantasize about having positive contact with my ex, even if I have to wait a long time!

[willy45]

Dude,

You didn't loose the best thing you will ever have. The best thing you will ever have is yourself, your mind and spirit in tact, your ability to look at the world outside of the fog of being abused. If you stayed, that is what you would have lost. If you had stayed, you really would have lost the best thing you will ever have, yourself.

And don't beat yourself up about the emails and phone calls. I did the same thing and much worse. Be grateful that is all you did. You will be fine.

[Scott44]

Hey, thanks so much for the wisdom and encouragement.  It means so much to me, it really does.

[RedCandle]

I expressed feelings of love in telephone calls and emails to a woman who wasn't my wife.  My wife found out about this and left me.  

Whether or not your wife is or is not BPD... .  the only thing that you can address are the actions that were consciously your own.

You were married... .  and told another woman that you loved her. This would lead to the marriage dissolving and the wife walking away in most or many cases. BPD or not.

I have no doubt that your living situation was extremely difficult... .  boy do I know! I've been there. But this does not excuse cheating within a marriage.

[Clearmind]

Scott, you were most likely thrown accusations and blame for much of your relationship. You don't notice it at first that you are in fact being controlled. This level of control starts to wear you down, you become a figment of your former self - therefore - its now 'natural' that you will blame yourself for its demise - after all you have been blamed infinitum.

You will get through this and as Rose suggested detaching is a process. Many of us, me included blamed ourselves for it turning bad. You are not a bad person - you a person who attempted to have a relationship with a person who was mentally ill.

We on the other hand, once we go through the stages of detachment, will begin to see reason - and understand why we chose a disordered person to begin with.

This is not your fault and you do have some healing to do -

[Iced]

Scott,

You can lead a horse to water, but you can never make them drink if that isn't what they want to do of their own free will.

You can understand and empathize and try and make accommodations for the pwBPD, but how does that help if the person you're doing those things for can't even logically, reasonably, or rationally recognize your efforts as such and isn't able to meet you a quarter of the way much less half way?

You can help, help, help, help, and help and love, love, love, love, and love until you're blue in the face, but if the person you're helping and loving isn't of the right mentality, then how can you expect to get true and honest recognition for it much less true and honest reciprocation?

You can try and communicate all you want, but what good does this do if the person isn't even either able to listen or willing to listen?

You can meet every perceived need of a person and put them on a pedestal and treat them like a queen or a king, but what about your own needs?

You can donate blood to save their life just because you want to, but if you don't have enough blood yourself, how can you help someone else?

Relationships are a two way street with -2- (sometimes more) people involved... .  not just one.  Good, strong, and healthy ones.

The good was good, but the bad was bad to the point of being damaging to you and your psyche and sense of self.

Though cheating may not have been a good way out (and honestly, especially after reading your other posts, it seems you really needed OUT because it was getting -that- unhealthy), maybe - just maybe - you really NEEDED that 'out' anyways.

I'm sorry you're hurting and in pain and when you have empathy and a conscience, hurting others hurts yourself, too.  But I agree; it's time for healing and peace and I wish you the very best of that.

Please don't be too hard on yourself; I know you would tell me/us the same thing, too, if we were in your shoes. 

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks again!  I met my ex wife when I was teaching a personality course (I'm a psychologist) and she was my student.  So we both knew that a diagnosis of BPD could be stigmatizing. My wife was diagnosed with BPD by a therapist who specialized in BPD.  The ironic part is that my wife made me write a letter of complaint to the therapist's superior, saying that the therapist focused too much on BPD and not enough on my ex wife's PTSD from an invalidating childhood!  I, therefore, had a hand in ensuring that her BPD never got properly addressed.  I knew she had BPD but helped her to avoid the label and the treatment that could have come from the specialist in BPD.

Wow, you could probably school us about some BPD aspects.    I think you've answered your question here with BPD can be stigmatizing.  Why is it stigmatizing?  Your wife had a chance at treatment but refused it to the point of insisting you write a letter, why do people with BPD have such a difficult time with treatment?  You feel you enabled her to avoid getting better but wasn't it always her choice?  Some responsiblity and accountibility lays on her side. 

[Scott44]

Thanks again to all those who have responded.  I agree that my wife, BPD or not, would probably have left after she discovered the emails and phone calls.  And I agree that a tough marital situation is not a valid excuse for cheating.  I think, however, that had my wife not hit, kicked, bit me, hit our cat, etc. etc. I would not have even thought of telling another woman that I loved her.