Feeling sad and low

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am feeling down.  I met with my soon to be exBPDh today to get the Property Settlement Agreement papers notarized to be signed was a relief in some ways- but more so sad.  He spilt black a little when he saw that the papers he drew up the margins weren't perfectly lined up and I could sense a bit of his nervous aggitation.  I disengaged from the anger he showed.  We went to photocopy them and then went out to each lunch together.  He had this 'I'm happy' face on even when this for me is a sad time.  In fact all the time I was with him, he looks very happy after he splits.  Even in really sad times, he doesn't look at all sad.  I came back from today's meeting crying at my house.

In April last year, after one of his big tantrum rages, I made a vow to myself I have to leave.  I also was afraid of being alone and making it on my own, and starting a new life.  I was again scared of staying and scared of leaving.  But it was so confusing.  I got physically sick and avoided him for 4 months. Until the summer, I was weak and I said I would go to the beach with him and he was his kind self and then when I moved him out into an apartment we were going to move in together nearer to his job and the city, he started splitting in rage again off and on.  Then the beginning of Autumn, I got depressed and stressed and finally stumbled upon a video on YouTube about a guy dealing with BPD.  Then after one of his anger rages we went walking at night and he said my actions were not appropriate, and I just about had all the years of this, I vowed again I had to leave him.  That same morning he said he read about BPD and said he needs to learn to regulate his emotions and I was enlightened, saying that I am here with you if you'd like to get help--the next months I didn't live with him anymore, I kept asking him to get help and at the same time researching online about BPD.  Afterwards, he said he DOESN'T have BPD, but is learning about boundaries and that he won't behave like that anymore.  I was confused and agitated.  I knew though that I can't force him to think or act a certain way and I was again depressed because 3 years had passed in our marriage that I saw him idealize and cling to me and then blame-rage at me so many times.  I couldn't stand it anymore!  I felt alone and not validated.  I was scared to go on without him but know that our r/s is unhealthy.   During the holidays I got again mentally and emotionally sick from the push/pull tension inside me, I was severely depressed and did bad things to myself (old habbits emerged).  Then in January, I started seriously looking doing one of my future goals, and then I knew I had to start the process of divorce.  These months have been more amicable that I thought.  We spent time organizing my continued health care insurance and we did all our taxes, he helped me on excel for budgeting for my next living situation.  He was surprisingly helpful in getting the divorce process going at the same time kept asking me to reconsider in leaving the marriage. 

But even today he said he doesn't have BPD and suggests I go seek therapy for my issues. 

I still feel really scared about my future.  Soon, I plan to move to the big city, get a job, and leaving this current business where I'm living now to be managed from the city.  I need therapy too when I settle down.  I want to get help for my anxiety and get healing for my FOO (I have domestic violence in my childhood)

I know it's hard break the NC rule but I really am feeling more and more disengaged with him and LC is ok.  This board is tremendously helpful these days.  Thank you for letting me vent and thanks for listening to my story.

[dharmagems]

I am feeling down.  I met with my soon to be exBPDh today to get the Property Settlement Agreement papers notarized to be signed was a relief in some ways- but more so sad.  He spilt black a little when he saw that the papers he drew up the margins weren't perfectly lined up and I could sense a bit of his nervous aggitation.  I disengaged from the anger he showed.  We went to photocopy them and then went out to each lunch together.  He had this 'I'm happy' face on even when this for me is a sad time.  In fact all the time I was with him, he looks very happy after he splits.  Even in really sad times, he doesn't look at all sad.  I came back from today's meeting crying at my house.

In April last year, after one of his big tantrum rages, I made a vow to myself I have to leave.  I also was afraid of being alone and making it on my own, and starting a new life.  I was again scared of staying and scared of leaving.  But it was so confusing.  I got physically sick and avoided him for 4 months. Until the summer, I was weak and I said I would go to the beach with him and he was his kind self and then when I moved him out into an apartment we were going to move in together nearer to his job and the city, he started splitting in rage again off and on.  Then the beginning of Autumn, I got depressed and stressed and finally stumbled upon a video on YouTube about a guy dealing with BPD.  Then after one of his anger rages we went walking at night and he said my actions were not appropriate, and I just about had all the years of this, I vowed again I had to leave him.  That same morning he said he read about BPD and said he needs to learn to regulate his emotions and I was enlightened, saying that I am here with you if you'd like to get help--the next months I didn't live with him anymore, I kept asking him to get help and at the same time researching online about BPD.  Afterwards, he said he DOESN'T have BPD, but is learning about boundaries and that he won't behave like that anymore.  I was confused and agitated.  I knew though that I can't force him to think or act a certain way and I was again depressed because 3 years had passed in our marriage that I saw him idealize and cling to me and then blame-rage at me so many times.  I couldn't stand it anymore!  I felt alone and not validated.  I was scared to go on without him but know that our r/s is unhealthy.   During the holidays I got again mentally and emotionally sick from the push/pull tension inside me, I was severely depressed and did bad things to myself (old habbits emerged).  Then in January, I started seriously looking doing one of my future goals, and then I knew I had to start the process of divorce.  These months have been more amicable that I thought.  We spent time organizing my continued health care insurance and we did all our taxes, he helped me on excel for budgeting for my next living situation.  He was surprisingly helpful in getting the divorce process going at the same time kept asking me to reconsider in leaving the marriage. 

But even today he said he doesn't have BPD and suggests I go seek therapy for my issues. 

I still feel really scared about my future.  Soon, I plan to move to the big city, get a job, and leaving this current business where I'm living now to be managed from the city.  I need therapy too when I settle down.  I want to get help for my anxiety and get healing for my FOO (I have domestic violence in my childhood)

I know it's hard break the NC rule but I really am feeling more and more disengaged with him and LC is ok.  This board is tremendously helpful these days.  Thank you for letting me vent and thanks for listening to my story.

[Mountaineagle]

Hi dharmagems!

Leaving is not easy. Took me two years of building myself up to the point where I finally managed to leave. It is great that you are managing your endings so well together. The NC "rule" is more for your own well being further down in time. The separation really hurts and I have several times found help in this forum, so many wonderful supportive people here. All the love for you in your fork in the road where you go the better way for you! 

[Tormenta]

 

Thanks!

How are you now?

Your honest post has reached me, I wish you the best.

[dharmagems]

MountainEagle:  Thanks so much for the words of understanding and encouragement.  I am hoping for brighter days in the future.   Your words cheered me up.

Tormenta:

Amazingly, I don't feel so confused because I am learning so much about the disorder.  Before for 2.5 years was absolute pain, torture, and confusion for me not understanding and getting depressed and taking all of his blame as my fault.  I really saw how my low self esteem got worse and worse.  It is as if I am dying every day.  I know it's my panic reactions. 

Well, now I am free, I guess.  I am just anxious about life re arranging, and taking full responsibility over all the aspects of my life.  I feel so alone and even planning to move closer to the city and get a job seems daunting and overwhelming.

Hugs to you back Tormenta.  Thanks for checking up on me, it means so much to me.