4 days nc

[inepted]

So its been 4 days of NC so far. I know, it's not long at all, but it's surprisingly is the longest we've ever went with out talking to each other. Every day when I wake up, I remind myself she is who she is, and I cant make her change her feelings about me.

But, I still cant stop thinking going nc is the wrong choice. The less and less we talk, the more she just tries to make new friends to fill that void she has. She refuses to be alone. I feel like going no contact is just giving her more of an excuse to throw away the relationship we had by validating her thoughts of "Well if he still loved me he would keep trying to talk to me" because she always had this romantic fantasy of always wanting some guy to chase after her.

After our last conversation the other week, I texted her a couple times and never received a reply back. There weren't any verbal acknowledgement of going NC or anything like that... .  Perhaps I should break nc and explicitly say something along the lines of: "I dont think we should talk for a while", as a way of showing her Im not simply ignoring her? But that too even feels counter intuitive.

Then of course there was an odd link she sent me when we decided to go on a break: www.ehealthforum.com/health/successful-bipolar-BPD-relationship-advice-t337529.html When I asked why she sent it she didnt give me a reason. Am I reading too much into it that this is her way of telling me how she wants me to act, with out actually telling me?

I just feel so conflicted. Half of me feels like I should just do nothing, and wait for her to come back. But then the other half of me is reminding myself how she's been with people in the past. She's incredibly stubborn never makes the move.

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[patientandclear]

Inepted, you cannot control what she's off doing, of course. I do think she's given you a valuable clue with that link.  She is saying when she goes off -- let her be.  She's sorting things out.  True, she may be sorting in a destructive way (you seem to be afraid about her connections with other people); if so, and that crosses a boundary for you, that will need to be addressed separately.  But in terms of whether to chase her now, you've been given a gift that is quite eye-opening: she's told you how to handle it in a way that she will respect and that will make the whole situation seem safest to her.

It is ironic that loving distance should be the way to make a person you care about feel emotionally safe, but that is the case here.  So long as you've made clear the light is green (i.e., your last communication wasn't angry or rejecting), I would let her be.

[inepted]

Thank you for that. This girl has just got me second guessing every one of my actions since the break. It still bothers me her actions as of late feel like shes going down a destructive path, even her family and therapist have tried pointing it out, but, I know I cant do anything about it. And I think that's where this internal conflict is coming from. Its that desire to want to help her, to fix her, yet I know I cant, and I accept I cant.

As far as me being afraid with her connections with other people, you're right. I didnt really realize it until you said it. She has admitted to me she has a really hard time understanding what she feels about others, and often times cant distinguish between love and friendship. She just wants to be liked, and will do just about anything for people to like her. Perhaps in her own way, destructive or not, that's what she's doing right now.

I guess the real question is, Am I crazy for waiting around and letting her be? I mean, in the meantime I am learning to be myself again and doing things I enjoy. To me personally, I believe shes worth waiting for. But, am I waiting for something that may not ever happen?

[patientandclear]

Maybe.  But it's the best possible choice of the available options, right?  You're enjoying yourself (good for you!  I need to get better at that) in the meantime.  You've given her a gift of loving space to sort herself out, a gift that, in her case, she's actually been able to ask you for in a very pointed way.

Who knows what she will do, what work she will commit to, what insights she will arrive at.  Recovery from BPD to the point of being able to sustain a functional r/s is rare and hard and a long process.  But if anything good is coming of this situation for the two of you, it will come from the ingredients you are putting in: loving distance, and you maintaining your own strength & happiness.  No question those are the ingredients for her to respect you, for starters.  But they're also just the right choices on their own merits.

If you have any doubts about where you left things, you could perhaps send  a message of "thinking of you.  take whatever space you need; I'll be glad to hear from you if and when you are ready."  But then, really really leave it.  You've given the best gift and set yourself up the best way with her  you possibly could.

Again though, when and if she returns, you still have a disordered person to engage with, with all kinds of challenges.  So not saying that giving her this space will cure any of that.

[Grey Kitty]

I guess the real question is, Am I crazy for waiting around and letting her be? I mean, in the meantime I am learning to be myself again and doing things I enjoy. To me personally, I believe shes worth waiting for. But, am I waiting for something that may not ever happen?

Great to hear you finding yourself!

You'll never know for sure... .  forever is a long time away!

At this point, I would worry about who you want to be and how you want to live. Once you are more stable and happy in yourself, re-evaluate how you feel about waiting for her.

[inepted]

If you have any doubts about where you left things, you could perhaps send  a message of "thinking of you.  take whatever space you need; I'll be glad to hear from you if and when you are ready."  But then, really really leave it.  You've given the best gift and set yourself up the best way with her  you possibly could.

Again though, when and if she returns, you still have a disordered person to engage with, with all kinds of challenges.  So not saying that giving her this space will cure any of that.

Oh I know it will be all kinds of challenges. I dont really expect it to cure anything. I did take your advice, and emailed her a simple message almost along the lines of what you said. At first she seemed to ignore it, and then today she starts asking about a new job offer I mentioned over facebook. Suddenly she could talk to me and ask me all sorts of questions about it. Perhaps keeping tabs on me if her new friends dont work out, because once I answered her questions she seemed content and dropped the conversation.

[inepted]

At this point, I would worry about who you want to be and how you want to live. Once you are more stable and happy in yourself, re-evaluate how you feel about waiting for her.

You're right. I just need to learn how to stop second guessing everything she does, and focus on me. I just wish that would be easier said than done though.

[Grey Kitty]

You're right. I just need to learn how to stop second guessing everything she does, and focus on me. I just wish that would be easier said than done though.

Amen, brother on that one!

[cal644]

The other day i told my UBPD wife that I needed to let her go and I thought it was best if we didn't talk or text for awhile.  1 hr latter I get a 20 text manifesto from her - I din't reply - she sent 2 more - still I didn't reply - then I get a call on the home phone while she was crying just to make sure I got the texts - I said yes I did - then she hung up - I did reply by text and say thank you for being open and honest and that I appreciated her text.  The next day I get 15 texts about forgiveness, God's where he wants us to be now, God doens't give us more than we can handle but it hurts, etc... .  Today I get a text that she has a program started to work on herself - the first one is codependant no more - didn't reply - 3 more texts to see if I had the book, read the book, how it was her - Finally I said yes I have the book - her responce was "it's because of me isn't it - I didn't reply.  The no contact or limited contact has really changed her thinking - at least for the moment (but give it an hour and it can change).  But at least I feel she is working on herself now.  As for me I'm doing 100% better and working on myself and letting go until I know she is serious about getting help.