In crisis mode - help?

[arabella]

Hi... .  I'm new here so this is going to be a bit of a rant, and I might not have all of the acronyms quite right, my apologies in advance! I'm having a really hard time and I could use some support and advice. Here's my intro post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194897.0

I'm married to a dpwBPD. We've been together for over 12 years and most of them have been relatively peaceful (the exception is noted in my story below). He's had multiple girlfriends while we were together but we have an open relationship so this isn't really an issue. Last year he started seeing a girl, I'll just refer to her as the GF. He got a little too attached, I got upset, she was planning to leave the country to travel, so BPDh ended things. Or so I thought. Apparently they kept in touch via email. New Years - BPDh announces he's taken a month off work and booked a plane ticket to another continent (I have 4 days notice of impending trip). Fine. I knew he was super stressed at work and he hates the winter (he escaped to summer), etc. I chose not to get mad because, really, what would be the point? Off he went. We texted daily while he was away, he said he missed me, that he wasn't having a great time because his head space was a mess. He gets back, tough adjustment back to work, winter, etc. But something is a little 'off' (and I know he lies to me about things when he's afraid I'll be upset). So I snoop. I discover he spent his vacation with GF. I tell him I know. We argue for a bit but, again, I'm more hurt than angry.

Now... .  GF is apparently pulling away (I think she has another guy she's seeing maybe?) and BPDh is in full crisis mode (related? likely, not that he'd see it despite my gentle suggestions). BPDh is telling me he loves us both. BUT he's got suicidal ideation, is self-injuring again (hasn't for the past 10 years!), he's lost 20 lbs in 2 months and can't sleep without medication, and he's saying absurd things and mumbling to himself. He's a right mess and obviously extremely depressed. He wrote a note (again, I snooped) to GF saying he would take a leave from work, move to where she is to prove how serious he is, and then they can come back together and move in with his family (he doesn't get along with his family - a previous therapist got him to agree to limit contact years ago) and he can work and help support GF.  :'(

The kicker? This all happened exactly the same way 10 years ago - exact same time of year, had a girlfriend (I didn't know), one day told me he was moving out, said he didn't love me anymore, left me, I found out about the girlfriend, we maintained contact, 5 months later he hated the girlfriend and wanted to get back together saying he didn't know what he was thinking but that he "woke up one morning and it was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly the past 5 months made no sense" and he couldn't remember chunks of it, etc. He was hesitant, worried I'd "never get over it" but obviously we moved on from that. Also, at that point he hadn't been diagnosed with anything so it made even less sense.

I feel physically ill. I have no idea what to do. I thought I'd convinced him to see his psychiatrist (worried re the suicidal commentary - this is totally new). But he lied to me about calling to make an appointment and I don't know that he'll agree to go now (his thinking is getting noticeably more distorted by the day, we can barely converse at this point). Even if he DID go, I'm not sure that it isn't too late to pull him out of this cycle? Plus, he lies to his doctor (or omits major items) - he presents very well. I called a counselling service I have access to because I needed support. She told me to call the doctor myself and explain the situation. That was fine, he listened but I obviously couldn't get the whole story re the GF out - I was focusing on the potential for injury. I ended up calling back leaving a rambling voicemail trying to explain this happened once before and about dissociation that time around. I explained that BPDh blames our r/s whenever he gets stressed, then changes his mind once he feels better, but that I'm his only support so... .  The doctor probably thinks I'm nuts (and, actually, I sort of AM at this point)! And now I'm wondering if I should have told him about the GF situation... .  Is there any point in calling again?

Do I just leave? Tell BPDh to just go to GF and get it over with? Am I just doing these things to end my own uncertainty but maybe it's just reactionary and counter-productive to my long-term happiness? Get pushy re the doctor's appt (but will this even help)? Talking makes it worse - he gets stressed and upset and tells me "this is why we can't be together - it's too stressful and conflicted!" Bearing in mind this is not what he thought 2 months ago and that we've been together with no separations for 10 years (and married for the last 5). Omg - I feel like I can't do anything right, every choice/path leads to disaster. I know I have to take care of myself, but I just don't know that I'm ready to give up on what was a really good relationship. Should I try to 'buy time' to see if he comes around? It took him leaving plus 5 months last time around. Or just detach and wait (the waiting for his decision is killing me)? I wish I didn't love him so much. I'm such a mess, I keep crying (which upset him, but I can't help it)... .  I don't want to just react out of desperation and push him away (I have my own abandonment issues, I know it, I work on it) but, on the other hand, I don't know if I can live like this. I am actually okay on my own, it's the transition periods that really hurt me - and this is one huge drawn out transition right now. Did I mention I'm unemployed right now and it's making things worse because BPDh is getting resentful (the resentment is fairly recent too)? Plus, I have no income.

I'm sorry for the ranting intro here... .  I'm not even sure how much sense it made. Thank you for reading through - I'd really appreciate any feedback you might have.

[arabella]

I should add:

I've read a LOT about BPD recently, including most of the workshops and informational links/boards here. Wish I'd learned more a lot sooner. So... .  I do understand the disease, treatment options, what I need to work on myself if we go forward (and if we don't), etc. A week ago BPDh was open and receptive to the idea of change and therapy. He started looking up ways to register for a local DBT group. He was going to call his psych to get a referral. He said he knew he needed to change, that he couldn't continue this way, that he wanted to start being able to think differently, told me to order DBT books for him, etc. I was so excited. (Just typing that made me cry again. darn it!)

Yesterday he tells me it's hopeless. This is the way he is. He doesn't have the energy for therapy. Then the avoiding making a psych appointment thing today... .  A complete reversal. What happened? I have no idea how to handle this now. And if I just step back (detach) and stay positive - will he just announce he's leaving one day and I'll just be shocked and crushed all over again? Because I'll believe my own act, I know I'll think things are better, at least in part because HE'LL act like things are better. I'm going in circles here.

[almost789]

Im sorry you are going through this! Sound confusing. He sounds really dysregulated. Probably caused by the turbulance with this GF and her threats to break it off. There is no easy answer here. You are in a bad position here because hes probably triangulating (read definition) and you could easily be split or painted black by him. His emotions are wildly fluctuating, I wouldnt take anything he says right now seriously. Except for his desire to get therapy. If I were you Id pull back a little stay calm and wait it out. Continue  encourage therapy but dont push it. Perhaps he could get some online BPD coaching for now until he finds a good therapy program. Andbreadnthe lessons here to learn how to communicate better with him. Validation does work wonders.

[arabella]

LGO2 - spot on! I'm so confused (that was probably apparent, yeah? haha). So far he's still with the "it's not your fault, arabella, you're great, it's all me" but he is really angry. I'm working really hard to put my newly learned communication skills to good use. Validating without agreeing, giving options, not demanding, trying to stay calm (this is SO HARD for me right now), etc. I'm a bit sensitive to begin with so this is knocking me sideways and back again. Just trying to keep my panic and grief under wraps when he's around, but it's exhausting and I don't know how long I can keep it up when he's so, as you say, completely dysregulated.

Update: I got him an appointment with his psych for today. No idea if that will help at all, but I don't have a lot of options and I want to be able to look back, no matter what happens, and know that I gave it my all.

[almost789]

Its difficult and its not natural to try to relate to BPD person. Its real easy to talk about how one should or should not react but when those real emotions come into play reactions happen. Its normal. Seems youve dealt with it good so far. The very sad part about this is the limitted number of qualified therapist who can actually effectively help a pwBPD who wants help. Major failure on the part of our mental healthcare system.

[arabella]

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, I know intellectually that this isn't my fault and that I can't be perfect. But, of course, emotional me is struggling with acceptance and I'm very self-critical (always have been, that's not a symptom of the relationship).

The mental healthcare system is, if it's possible, even more of a mess than my hubby!   I suppose it really isn't funny, but I'm all cried out atm. It's pretty clear to me that the psych dBPDh has been seeing is not qualified to deal with dBPDh's condition - he's sucked into the lies and 'personas' and doesn't grasp how his comments can be distorted to suit dbph's twisted reality. I wonder sometimes if this doctor isn't just making things worse.

[almost789]

I read in your earlier post the therapist just prescribes meds and discourages any real pschycotherapy? Yeah, it doesn't sound like he's going to be able to help much. Some of them are just so pathetically lazy. It's easy to prescribe a med and send them on their way while collecting a hundred bucks too.

[arabella]

I don't know if I'd say that he's trying to discourage psychotherapy so much as his commentary is taken by my dBPDh as being discouraging. If that makes sense. To be fair, he's the first doctor who's actually managed to come up with an accurate diagnosis. And the meds he prescribed WERE working quite well to help manage the condition. That said, he's not much help beyond that. Hubby (I need to make up a pseudonym for him!) went to see the doctor yesterday and got his meds adjusted and the doctor probably had a good point in saying that intensive therapy isn't really an option until the depression crisis eases a bit. Usually I'd say a therapist could help with the depression issue too, but hubby doesn't cope well with meeting new people or talking even when he's well - so I'm not sure a new therapist would help or just make things even worse. Thoughts on that anyone?

[Clearmind]

arabella, LGO2 is right - he sounds dysregulated and his moods are wildly swinging. He also sounds like he has hit a crisis point.

Not much will get resolved while he is in a emotional place. Its also important that he is permitted to sit in his uncomfortableness without you rescuing - I'm not suggesting you are because I don't know your situation - however its something to keep in mind. We can over accommodate when we have a BPD loved one and try to fix it for them.

That uncomfortableness can help him come to his own realization that he needs help. He may need to hit his own version of rock bottom to seek therapy.

Of course when it comes to suicide ideation - all we can do is call 911. Not a comfortable position for to be in however ideation is a cry for help - when we call 911, and hospitalised is when BPDs tend to receive the help they need.

For you my friend - I really like that you have read up on the workshops - validation is great - its a way of showing support without fixing. Awesome stuff.

We also need to concentrate on us - reconnect with friends, family and our interests - this helps us to gain clarity and detach from the craziness.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

It helps to look inward at how we may be contributing to the conflict - whether we are responding or reacting. If we are pushing to be right etc.

Most importantly be kind to you.

[arabella]

Thank you, Clearmind. You're right, I do need to be careful not to rescue. I know that's what I've tried to do in the past and it's never worked. The more I try to 'help' the angrier and more frustrated he gets. It's actually very much like watching a child throw a tantrum, now that I think about it. Ouch. Of course, it's a pattern with us and changing it is a lot of work. Sometimes I forget.

911. *sigh* Unless he's actually gone through with something and obviously seriously injured/incapacitated, I'm out of luck on that one too. He works closely with the local emergency services - so they're all buddies (medics, police, ER staff, etc). Plus, he presents well when he chooses (even his psych couldn't figure it out) so there's no way any emergency personnel are going to take the 'vindictive' 'crazy' wife's story over his without some sort of irrefutable evidence. And he knows the system and how to 'play' it so that he doesn't actually get treatment. Lovely.

I am in the process of planning a short vacation for myself with my best friend. I think I deserve it! I'm really trying to focus on myself, it's just very hard to do when living with a human hand grenade.

I KNOW that I was making things worse. I wish I'd had a lot of this info sooner, I think it would have saved me a lot of stress and anger. My job entails always pushing to be 'right' and I have a hard time shutting that off. I know I need to stop and I'm consciously working on it now. I also am quick to react at home - dBPDh knows all of the buttons to push (of course)! Working on that too. Trying very hard to find my inner zen (my Wise Mind)!

[almost789]

Hi arabella,

I can see where your coming from with your open relationship. I too have an open marriage. I lived a life of monogamy for many many years and am still with the same man. Weve reached a point in our marriage where we both feel so secure that if one or the other of us feels a need or desire to see someone else we can and will and will still remain married to each other. Were best friends and much more. What is important to us is honesty so its all open and we still love each other and we are always number one to each other. This is why I felt I was in the perfect position to be of support to my BPD lover because I would not have to rely on him for all my emotional and physical needs. Still, he couldnt hanle the intimacy and chose his sex addiction over something real with me. But i do understand and think that your openness with your husband is probably why youve managed so far to last 10 years together. Wish u the best!

[arabella]

LGO2 - thank you! I find it difficult sometimes to explain our open marriage, I feel like I am often judged negatively (not sure if this is in my head or it's a reality, but I've definitely received some negative feedback). It is an integral part of our relationship and, you are right, we wouldn't have managed the past 10 years without this.

And there's the rub. The honesty is integral to the openness of the relationship, but dBPDh has gone off the rails and has been lying to me about his gf. I just found out and I'm having a hard time coping. Of course, I made the mistake of confronting him and being angry, accusatory, crying, etc. This led to a complete meltdown on his part. I know it isn't my fault per se, but I also know that it wasn't constructive and that he isn't in a place to listen right now. I'm trying to pull back and detach and am hoping his current BPD episode breaks sooner rather than later... .  

[almost789]

You know Arabell, I find that too. Being judged for my life choice. I dont understand it at all. I mean I dont really care what others chose to do with their life why should they care about mine? Im happy, my husbands happy, my kids are grown and they are happy. My kids dont even know about it. Why should they?  We all live under the law of free will. Not all judge though. I usually find it more in the simple minded black and white thinkers as well as the controlling types who believe everything must be their way.