What if she isn't BPD/NPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

SO grateful for this board!

Woke up this morning and am wondering, is it me? As in, maybe she really doesn't have NPD/BPD and it's all my imagination.

I doubt that to be true but, do you all feel that way? What do you do when these thoughts come rushing through and seem to brainwash yourself?

Thanks.

... .  feeling rather weak... .  

[MakeItHappen]

SO grateful for this board!

Woke up this morning and am wondering, is it me? As in, maybe she really doesn't have NPD/BPD and it's all my imagination.

I doubt that to be true but, do you all feel that way? What do you do when these thoughts come rushing through and seem to brainwash yourself?

Thanks.

... .  feeling rather weak... .  

[Newton]

MakeItHappen... .  If you are wavering with doubt I would stop being overly concerned about the labels of NPD/BPD and concentrate on how negative and destructive her behaviour was/is... .  and how adversely it affects you.

It's often the case when we step out of the fog we can look back and dwell on "what is REALLY that bad?"... .  

Thats another reason this place is great, our posts act as a living journal... .  we can read back and remind ourselves "oh yeh, actually it was damn awful at times!"... .  

Keep on posting... .  it'll really help 

[syz]

Yeah I've wondered.   There is no official diagnosis and I split rather quickly after the appearance of these traits.  I saw/experienced enough in the span of 3 months that I not only ended the sexual part of it, it pretty much killed a couple year friendship.  

But here is the thing, yeah she fits the criteria on the emotional aspects things I described as immaturity, black white thinking, feelings = facts, anxiety, getting upset over things I couldn't understand, hypersensitivity, putting me on a pedestal, to ripping me a new one over being a using mind___er but didn't exhibit outright name calling, she probably knew I wouldn't stand for that, suicidal ideation, substance abuse or sexual acting out.  She had more social anxiety, low self esteem, and staying out of relationships for a long while and no real close friends.  

I don't really care what it was that was driving the behaviour.  It was too much drama and too much effort and not worth it.  So whether they have BPD or not becomes really a moot point.  The only way it matters is if you are interested in staying and you are hoping there is a diagnosis so there can be some progress otherwise its just like fleeing a burning house in the middle of the night.  :)on't ask why its on fire just get out.  

[IfOnlyIKnew]

In the past I asked myself this too. But then I thought that no matter what it is, or how it is called, it was just HELL, and I don't want to go back there, NEVER ! She is undiagnosed, but fits all the characteristics of it. Even if it was not BPD, it would make no difference at all for me now.

This website is very helpful for my healing process and for my understanding of what happened. The advices given here are priceless.

[Ruthy2]

SO grateful for this board!

Woke up this morning and am wondering, is it me? As in, maybe she really doesn't have NPD/BPD and it's all my imagination.

I doubt that to be true but, do you all feel that way? What do you do when these thoughts come rushing through and seem to brainwash yourself?

Thanks.

... .  feeling rather weak... .  

This crosses my mind all the time, and often I have convinced myself I've thought way to much into it and he is just an ass at times but I always come back to the same conclusions and after reading all I now have on BPD I know without a doubt what I've been dealing with.

I think it's the shock of it all that makes your mind still doubt and maybe we try to convince ourselves its not BPD so we dont have to accept all that comes with it. x

[elessar]

Yes, I think of it every day and every hour. That is why I go on these boards and forums to read and talk. I feel I am the crazy one. But everyday I tell myself, if it walks like a duck... .  quacks like a duck... .  then it is a duck. She fits every criteria of BPD... .  every. So I have to accept that she is BPD which would explain her actions. If she is not BPD... .  then she is an evil woman. Deep down I cannot accept the fact that the girl I have known for so long and been so deeply in love with is evil. She wasn't bad when she was young. So this must be BPD. At least this is what I have been telling myself every hour of every day.

[charred]

My exBPDgf made me wonder about myself... .  and honestly she drove me to behavior that was unbecoming of me.

She clearly is BPD... and I have some issues of my own, that made me vulnerable to her manipulations and antics. She isn't likely to change, known her 30 yrs and she has just gotten worse over time... meaner in particular. So I am distancing myself from my pwBPD... and concentrating on me. If you read many post, you find that is usually what is needed... .  work on yourself, you can have a big impact on the rest of your life.

I dug in to my issues, and found that currently I have one codependency trait that is crippling... looking for validation/approval/permission/happiness... .  outside of myself. Also found that my FOO left me with a fearful avoidant attachment style, and most the difficulties I have had with people all my life stem from that... just started working on overcoming it with my T... .  not sure what it will take and what result will be (he is a EMDR advocate for trauma/PTSD... so getting EMDR treatment) after 6 months of work, I have found mindfulness to have stopped my ruminating and lowered my stress level to lowest ever, have gotten comfortable being by myself... more comfortable in my own skin really, and from the boards and online cognitive therapy (suggested by the boards)... have become somewhat hopeful again... .  like I can see their might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Seems worth the effort.

Their are side effects to everything... my focus on other people and them getting what they wanted... has helped me to be a good consultant, I don't complain when I get stuck in a hallway on a makeshift desk while solving giant problems... and getting treated like the unwanted ugly red headed stepchild... .  doesn't bug me, as I get paid well... so professionally my disposition has advantages... but personally, it sucks. Keeping people at a professional distance works for work, its not good personally. My pwBPD made me doubt everything good about me, relied on my positive traits to shame me and did more to create PTSD than my FOO... .  so if you are wondering if they might not be BPD (w/NPD traits), and you might be... .  fix yourself... if there wasn't something off, you wouldn't have been in the dysfunctional r/s.