she emailed me after 14 days NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

my ex emailed me after i broke up with her on feb 4th, after i found out she went on a date and lied about it. she continued to deny it when sending an email the next day saying we're not good for each other and it could've worked if my wounds weren't too deep and i trusted her. i couldnt believe she was still gonna carry on her lie... .  

her email this morning:

"chantix.com. will help you quit smoking. "

and thats it.

i dont want to reply, but this evening i was thinking about how she went on a few dates already, and i think is trying to get close to someone in particular (i saw she was googling for detox cleansing juices this afternoon and the new guy is into that stuff... .  she's already picking up his interests)

i started feeling hurt because i see she only messaged me because she's trying to date someone else. it isnt cause she loved me or wants to be with me, but rather cause she has BPD. that hurts. that i was nothing to her. it really makes me want to email her back and just tell her she has BPD and to stop all the crap she's doing and fix herself.

but then i read some of the responses chuckstrong got in his posts, and i realize me doing so isn't a good idea. she's just looking to make sure she can still control me and get my attention and get back in the game.  it sucks knowing that.

i almost feel like sending that email so i can tell her she needs help and hope she wants me to help her. but i know it goes against my values - i am pretty sure she has slept with someone else already, and the person i was before this messed up relationship would have never accepted that and would have just moved on... .  but i dont know what to do.

i really worry if she puts in more effort ( i have a feeling she'll send more emails or texts or whatever after seeing that i didn't reply), that i'll take her back. even though i dont want to even deal with all her mental and health issues any more. she cheated on me and there have been too many other guys for me. i dont want to accept that. i now know that our sex meant nothing, even our kiss meant nothing, and all the massages and kind things i did for her, meant nothing... .  

but i think i still want to take her back. i dont know what to do.

[fakename]

my ex emailed me after i broke up with her on feb 4th, after i found out she went on a date and lied about it. she continued to deny it when sending an email the next day saying we're not good for each other and it could've worked if my wounds weren't too deep and i trusted her. i couldnt believe she was still gonna carry on her lie... .  

her email this morning:

"chantix.com. will help you quit smoking. "

and thats it.

i dont want to reply, but this evening i was thinking about how she went on a few dates already, and i think is trying to get close to someone in particular (i saw she was googling for detox cleansing juices this afternoon and the new guy is into that stuff... .  she's already picking up his interests)

i started feeling hurt because i see she only messaged me because she's trying to date someone else. it isnt cause she loved me or wants to be with me, but rather cause she has BPD. that hurts. that i was nothing to her. it really makes me want to email her back and just tell her she has BPD and to stop all the crap she's doing and fix herself.

but then i read some of the responses chuckstrong got in his posts, and i realize me doing so isn't a good idea. she's just looking to make sure she can still control me and get my attention and get back in the game.  it sucks knowing that.

i almost feel like sending that email so i can tell her she needs help and hope she wants me to help her. but i know it goes against my values - i am pretty sure she has slept with someone else already, and the person i was before this messed up relationship would have never accepted that and would have just moved on... .  but i dont know what to do.

i really worry if she puts in more effort ( i have a feeling she'll send more emails or texts or whatever after seeing that i didn't reply), that i'll take her back. even though i dont want to even deal with all her mental and health issues any more. she cheated on me and there have been too many other guys for me. i dont want to accept that. i now know that our sex meant nothing, even our kiss meant nothing, and all the massages and kind things i did for her, meant nothing... .  

but i think i still want to take her back. i dont know what to do.

[inepted]

Well, start by making a list of pros and cons. Decide what the advantages/disadvantages of getting back together would be, and moving on would be.

Whats important right now is for you to heal. To get back to that person you were "before this messed up relationship" happened.

[RedCandle]

i really worry if she puts in more effort ( i have a feeling she'll send more emails or texts or whatever after seeing that i didn't reply), that i'll take her back. even though i dont want to even deal with all her mental and health issues any more. she cheated on me and there have been too many other guys for me. i dont want to accept that.

If she puts in more effort... .  than so do you.

If you are committed to healing, you put that as a priority... .  not worrying about her emails.

There are settings on email that will send messages from her address right to the trash.

But if every time she throws you breadcrumbs (chantix... .  really?)... .  you run to pick them up... .  

... .  then all you'll ever get... .  is breadcrumbs.

That's a LONG time to be hungry for something MORE.

[fakename]

redcandle,

how would i proceed if i wanted to get back together with her?

not saying i do, still undecided, and it's unlikely, but i am curious... .  


also, it seems further unlikely because i just saw she got a message on her match.com from someone i know from work (he doesn't know i dated her), and she doesnt know he works with me... .  i'm worried about what can happen there... .  i thought about deleting the message, but i'm not going to do that. just brace myself i guess. i'm just worried about how things unravel.

[recoil]

Why not reply with, "bpdfamily.com - will help you stop being crazy"?

[RedCandle]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with recoil.

I would never call a BPD "crazy" to their face. Yes, they DO act "crazy"... .  but at the end of the day, they have a mental illness. I would no sooner walk up to a schizophrenic and say "you're crazy!" Their emotional/mental issues are due to their past and many other issues... .  calling them "crazy" sounds mocking.

Ignoring someone you want to get back with is not constructive... at all.

Its using No Contact to manipulate her... .  which is abusive in its own right.

What are the terms by which you would consider a relationship again?

What needs to change for that to happen?

If you want her back... .  you make those needs CLEAR and known as your BOUNDARIES... .  and you stick to them.

But going back and forth... .  talking to her... then ignoring her... .  creates a yo-yo that WILL make YOU "crazy!"

She is messaging other men on online dating sites?

Why do you want to rekindle this?

[recoil]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with recoil.

Just for the record, I was being facetious.  I wouldn't want anyone to truly send what I wrote.

I've known about this site for about six months and have never mentioned BPD to my EX, let alone her being "crazy".

She did ask me if I thought she was crazy once -- I said no.

[fakename]

hahaha... .  

recoil and redcandle,

i posted something just a few minutes ago here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195238.0

can you guys take a look please?