Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water . . . . . .

[haliewa1]

Here it goes,

I haven't posted for awhile.  I ended a sixteen month relationship last August in a flurry of text messages that my exBPDgf sent as she let me know she wasn't happy any longer and couldn't go on with a relationship where she was continuously disappointed (I wouldn't give her $4,000 for her expenses that month and had told her so 60 days earlier).  Life had actually been difficult, then became easier and easier as the months went on.  The holidays were good (with family) and I have been looking forward to the Spring and going away for a couple of weeks somewhere warm and tropical. 

In the mailbox today was a note from the ex.  She used the word "love" six times explaining how she didn't know what had happened between us and was "baffled" as to "why" it happened!  So  many words came to mind when I read it and not many of them were kind.  Amongst the escapades that had occured over the time together were raging (screaming) at the top of her lungs that I was dishonest in everything I did, physically attacking me on two occasions where I simply defended myself from her punching, accusations of cheating on my part (when asked to prove it she couldn't, of course), her calling up exes to paint me black in every which way, do I need to go on?

I look at this as an incredibly unfair manipulation of my emotions and wellbeing!  I guess her new boyfriend didn't work out so well!  He was perhaps brighter than I thought at first.  I refuse to answer but though we live 400 miles apart, I wouldn't put it past her to show up one day and ask how I'm doing!

I'm asking the "board" whether I should ignore this or send a reply stating I don't want her to contact me in any way?

Thoughts?

It's going to be a tough evening!

[trouble11]

I look at this as an incredibly unfair manipulation of my emotions and wellbeing!  I guess her new boyfriend didn't work out so well!  He was perhaps brighter than I thought at first.  I refuse to answer but though we live 400 miles apart, I wouldn't put it past her to show up one day and ask how I'm doing!

If a Non did this I would agree.  I don't think BPDs intentionally manipulate.  I believe this is more based in fear than anything.  Unfortunately, they live in a state of fear and fear is the hardest emotion to reason with.  I would ignore it and maybe go one step further and block her email.  If not, you may end up having many rough evenings.  That's my two cents.

[Clearmind]

I’d agree with trouble11 – BPDs don’t intentionally manipulate. They are so caught up in their own trauma and shame they have little emotional space to think how it is affecting anyone but themselves.

Unfortunately haliewa1, your gf has still not processed the loss of this relationship – she cannot understand intellectually what happened. Fortunately you know better.

You don’t need to say much haliewa1 for us to get what you endured.

When contact is made, we can be triggered emotionally. How can you move through this difficult time? What have you learnt in the last 7 months to help you?

She bit - no point biting back - we need to exercise some emotional maturity. Ignore my friend…live your life for you – you cannot control it if she contacts you – what you can control is using that blocking function on your email account – power lays with you.

We need to find some coping tools to move through this - because it can happen again.

All the best.

[haliewa1]

Dear Clearmind and Trouble11,

You're login names are appropriate tonight!  I need a Clearmind to avoid the Trouble11 that can easily come my way.  The best thing is the assurance that things are better today than six months ago and things will be better shortly if I ignore the gesture from my exBPDgf!

Thanks for the support!

Haliewa1

[Clearmind]

LOL!

It hurts when contact is made - I get it!

Yes ignore is the best policy - and don't engage in the craziness.

[Wooddragon]

I disagree that the manipulation is not intentional - there have been instances where mine knew precisely what he was doing. Agree tho not to contact - they seem to feed off any attention even if it is initially negative

[SurvivedLove]

I disagree that the manipulation is not intentional - there have been instances where mine knew precisely what he was doing. Agree tho not to contact - they seem to feed off any attention even if it is initially negative

I have to disagree on this too.

Using my own ex as an example:

He specifically "targets" people he sees me talk to and have fun with, trying to rub shoulders and suddenly be their best buddy, randomly asking them questions about me, despite him NEVER having taken an interest in them before!

In my book, that isn't just coincidence, that is well thought out manipulation to gather info from them about me and my life.

[haliewa1]

There seem to be a variety of impressions as to the BPD behavioral norms when it comes to conscious manipulation of the contact with their former non.  Actually I believe my exBPDgf is capable of any of the manipulative and subconscious processes that would bring her back into the conversation of what a future might be with me.  I would guess she's had the same conversation with other exes she's had over the years.  The first week we were together she asked if I was okay with her talking with her former boyfriends.  The rationale was that she had been intimate with them and was interested in what they were doing in their lives.  She just didn't tell me on some level she wanted to be in contact with all of us at the same time!

Thanks for all the good input!