Is there any hope for him and for me?

[lena7]

Hello, this is my second post today. I just found this website today and I am very happy to have an online support group where I can discuss and ask for advice about my situation.

My husband has BPD, we found out a few weeks ago. He's currently not in therapy although seeking help voluntarily, which is very positive.

Still, even with all this, the fact he now knows he has BPD hasn't really helped him in any way.

We've been married for over three years, and it's since then that I can't have a social life, and I'm even isolated from my own family. I can't work either for the same reasons.

I know therapy will take a long time to help him, but I wonder if he is ever going to change to the point he'll be able to have a healthy social life or at least let me interact with other people.

I used to be a very social person, but that all changed after we got married.

He always tells me he feels "trapped", and I feel I have no control over my life whatsoever. I find myself trying to hide the most trivial things to him (like checking my facebook, making a phone call, or even watching a movie)

Is there any hope for him and for me?

Thank you  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

  and staying.

I'm very glad that you found us too... .

If he has accepted being a BPD sufferer and is willing to seek help - that is a fantastic step. There "are" things that you can do though, to help create some positive changes... .and they begin with understanding what is going on. Our lessons =======>> over to the right are set up to help you work through this process, so take your time and read through them. There is a ton of wisdom and knowledge in there.

Second of all, tell us a little about you. What do you do with your free time and how were you before your marriage?

I look forward to hearing from you.

[lena7]

Thank you for your response! I have been reading tons and tons of information about this disorder since we found out. I'm thinking maybe I should be buying some of the recommended books.

Now, as far as my situation and how I used to be in the past. I was very outgoing, very active. I used to go out every day, walk, study, visit different friends. That all changed after our wedding day, where he kicked all my friends out of the house in a BPD moment. After that, the relationship with my friends has not been the same, and I barely communicate with them. For me, it was a very traumatic experience, not only losing my friends, but just to see how violent he can get in a social situation.

In my free times I dedicate them to music, that is, whenever I can and I'm not being "required" by my husband for a certain task that came out of nowhere.

Like I said, I feel my life has changed to such extreme that I don't have any freedom to do anything. I am even afraid when my friends try to communicate through facebook. He's so manipulative he even thought one of my friends was posting photos out of "envy" for me, and I shouldn't have him as a friend, so I had to de-friend this person (who by the way never had bad intentions and is a very good person).

And the list just goes on and on. I could be all day talking about how messed up and unfair things turn out to be, but you already know that :-)

One thing worth mentioning, he's two decades older than me. Does that have anything to do?

Thank you for being there :-)

[laelle]

My boyfriend and I had a battle of the facebook too.  Who he should be friends with, who I should be friends with.  I got jealous, he got jealous.

Jealousy has been a major source of conflict for us in the past.  We finally decided to take each other off our friends list and keep on living. I still ask every now and then if he wants on it, so he knows I have nothing to hide, but both of us are happier having our own space to breathe.

[united for now]

Since mental illness impacts the whole family (relationship) everyone needs to not only learn about it, but to also make changes to create s healthier environment. Changes need to be made by all. Even you.

So, are you also seeking therapy?

Creating some space for yourself needs to start small.

Any ideas on how you can find this space or time our what you want to do with it?

[lena7]

Yes, at the moment we're seeking therapy, hope fully we'll be able to do couples therapy as well. Maybe having a professional tell him he need to give me some space will be beneficial.

I made a lot of changes since I've been in this relationship. I'm very patient, I never give attitude and always address him in a soft tone (I guess you could call this "walking on eggshells"

I tried to talk to him about the fact that I need space, but he doesn't understand. I've read how other people are able to come to some sort of agreement with their pwBPD, but for me nothing seems to work. He takes the fact that I need space as something that I'm doing in order to avoid him altogether; like I don't want to spend any time with him at all. You can't negotiate with him, if things don't go his way it will get worse, he'll give me hell.

It's not only that, he's always making comments about how some day I'll take off with another man and I'll leave him. It's really emotionally, physically and psychologically draining. And even though I am patient, kind and never get confrontational with him, it doesn't seem to matter. He'll always find something to feel upset about... .but of course that's normal for a pwBPD.

There has been suggestions from a couple of doctors (one of them a psychiatrist) that he has something else besides BPD, and he should be taking meds (like antidepressants, antiphsychotics, etc.) Maybe that's why he's so difficult to deal with?

I feel I aged ten years in the past three years. I'm constantly living in stress and fear.

[Highlandsgal]

Hi - I'm relatively new here too, with a recently diagnosed BPD husband who is on a wait list for therapy.  I'm sure we both can learn a lot from the more experienced members of this forum, but i thought I'd share this small victory I had today.

I picked a female friend and told my h that she asked to take me out for lunch as a general topic.   Since money worries is a big trigger for him, saying she wanted to pay took that away. I then made plans with my friend but for a date 3 weeks in the future on a date when I knew my husband would be working and I'd be off (so I was not taking time away from him to see her).  Each of the three weeks i mentioned that we would be getting together.  On the night before I did a 'Oh, would you like me to say hi to K when she takes me out for lunch tomorrow?". And to my surprise he said "oh yeah, that's tomorrow - have fun and say hi for me.". Shut up, end of conversation, leave it at that.  Today, I had a wonderful relaxing lunch with my old friend and it was so therapeutic to talk about something other than him.   I realize it sounds like planning bordering on manipulation, but I like to think of it as asserting my rights to meet with a friend while coping with a BPD husband.  I made a point of calling h afterwards and telling him we talked kids, and hobbies, and jobs, and she said to say hi to him.  He had no chance to think we were sitting there the whole time talking about him and truthfully, I didn't talk to her about it because it would have derailed what was otherwise a relaxing lunch.

Don't know if that helps, but it worked for me this time.

Just know that here, on this forum, you are not alone.  Just knowing I was experiencing things others obviously had, has helped me already get stronger. Hi!

[asiyah93]

"I tried to talk to him about the fact that I need space, but he doesn't understand. I've read how other people are able to come to some sort of agreement with their pwBPD, but for me nothing seems to work. He takes the fact that I need space as something that I'm doing in order to avoid him altogether; like I don't want to spend any time with him at all. You can't negotiate with him, if things don't go his way it will get worse, he'll give me hell."

I am having the same problem with my BPD ex, now roommate. I am the type of person who needs her own space. I am not a clingy person. Time alone is something I treasure. I need it in order to feel rejuvenated and fresh and be a better friend, daughter, sister, or significant other to someone. He just doesn't respect that, but God forbid I do not respect his space. I end up being called intrusive and jealous. But then if I don't ask what's wrong, I'm all about me. I have no idea what to do anymore because there is no negotiating with him and thus no winning.

[lena7]

I completely understand your situation. There's no negotiating with my husband. I guess some people are luckier and they can reach some sort of agreement, and their pwBPD let them have friends.

That's just simply not my case. I am not able to go out, to make friends, I am not even able to work! It is to that extent that I am not able to function as a human being. I just hope in the future not to feel so much resentment if he doesn't get better.

It is very difficult to cope with this situation. Having to hide what you're doing, who you're talking to, even the stuff that you read/watch… the most trivial things, is not healthy.

[united for now]

No one here "was given" the right to have more space or time.

They took it.

Think about that for a moment... .

Relationships are about partnerships and balance. When the person you care about is mentally ill, the term "partnership" and "balance" won't work the same as with normal couples. Many pwBPD need to feel in control of you so that they can feel better. This isn't healthy. In fact, this is destructive, as you are finding. If your partner is already controlling of your time and friends, they won't "willing" give you what you want, cause giving you time away threatens their ability to control you. This goes deep into their fears and their core shame that you will leave them cause they are bad people.

You can't challenge this outright, since defiance only produces more trouble and they will try even harder to control you. What you can do is work with gentleness and compassion to build more time for yourself while understanding that your doing this will scare them silly.

I know, it sounds a little over whelming   

So lets begin small, what is something that you would like to be able to do? go shopping for a few hours alone? go to a friends? join a local gym?

then we can help you plan how you are going to go about doing this small thing... .sound plausible?

[asiyah93]

Fortunately for me he doesn't complain when I go out with friends, go to work, spend time with my family, etc. That is a deal breaker for me.

What I would like is to sit in silence or be alone for a bit without him assuming I am depressed and then using my "depression" as a reason to lash out for causing him "stress."

[iluminati]

The thing I think we as nons need to understand is where they end and we begin.  People with BPD have one hell of a time with that.  Either they think we're joined at the hip, or that abandonment is imminent.  Of course, I'm not saying immediately dump them and run for the hills.  What I will say is be willing to create your own space and fight for it.  Of course, you have your responsibilities in life that you have to attend to, but so long as those are reasonably under control, do what you like.  You have a right to friends, to hang out, to visit family, work out and on and on and on.  Just be willing to protect yourself.  I know I've had to do so for many, many occasions.

[lena7]

I have yet to come across a case like mine.

Yesterday was hell! He got extremely mean and violent. He thought I said I didn't have feelings for him and he physically attacked me. Then when I explained to him that's not what I said, he realized what he'd done and he really regrets it.

We are starting therapy soon, but I'm afraid nothing's gonna change. I think that after yesterday's episode I couldn't leave him even if I decided to do so. There's just no negotiating with him.

Sometimes things get extremely dangerous, he even cuts himself in front of me. I'm just hoping therapy will help us

[iluminati]

I have yet to come across a case like mine.

Yesterday was hell! He got extremely mean and violent. He thought I said I didn't have feelings for him and he physically attacked me. Then when I explained to him that's not what I said, he realized what he'd done and he really regrets it.

We are starting therapy soon, but I'm afraid nothing's gonna change. I think that after yesterday's episode I couldn't leave him even if I decided to do so. There's just no negotiating with him.

Sometimes things get extremely dangerous, he even cuts himself in front of me. I'm just hoping therapy will help us

Hold up!  Wait a minute. 

If I'm reading you correctly, you're talking about someone physically attacking you without any reasonable justification and cutting themselves in front of you.  Let me repeat that, just in case you didn't get me the first time around.  You are talking about someone physically attacking you without any reasonable justification and cutting themselves in front of you.  Yet you couldn't see yourself leaving him.

OK... .

The first priority we have for people on the board is safety for themselves and for the significant others they are hear for.  Self-injury and domestic violence would be contrary to those goals.  It's like offering a steak to a vegan; it defeats the purpose.  If you need advice on domestic violence assistance in your neck of the woods, contact one of the moderators, and they'll be able to help you out.  Also, if there is any threat of self-injury (or even a reasonable threat of domestic violence that you have enough time to call for help), call 911 (if in the US or Canada) or 999 (if in the UK).  I don't care if he says you're making a big deal out of nothing.  Self-injury is NOT a small matter.  It is a serious issue, and only trained professionals can deal with that.  If he doesn't want to see the police, he shouldn't try to harm himself.  It's that simple.

It's not that therapy isn't a bad idea.  However, in order for therapy to work, you need to be safe.  Let me repeat myself one more time, just to make sure I'm clear.  Domestic violence and self-injury are NOT OK.

[united for now]

Sadly, there are hundreds of women every day who say that - and believe that - keeping them trapped and in severe danger.

Please don't be one of them   

When a person is severely mentally ill, they don't perceive events or discussions correctly at times. It's like they are viewing the world through glasses that are distorted and warped. Their beliefs and actions can be dangerous for themselves or those who are close to them.

This may seem scary for you to consider, but to help you stay safe I suggest you call your local DV hotline to have a chat with them. They can help you learn about your local resources and support while also sharing with you your local laws and how to contact them in case of emergency. It may not seem necessary, but having an emergency plan set up can make all the difference in the world if/when he loses it again.

DV is never OK.

Someone cutting themselves in front of you while forcing you to stay and watch - isn't OK

Please consider making that phone call and let us know how it goes.

And be safe... .all the love in the world can't undo one moment of madness... .

[Grey Kitty]

 

You have some good advice here, and I'm going to be one more person saying it.

Don't take domestic violence. Don't believe that it just happened once. Don't believe that if you get help it will be worse for you.

Please keep yourself safe. Here is a script to prepare yourself for the next time he gets abusive:

Say that you are leaving until you calm down (or things calm down... .  not until he calms down)

If he lets you, then go someplace where you feel safe.

If he tries to block you, or not let you go, tell him you will dial 9-1-1 unless he lets you

go. (preferably with your phone in your hand having put the numbers in ready to hit send)

There's just no negotiating with him.

You are right, but draw the wrong conclusion. You cannot negotiate with him when he is raging. That is absolutely right.

However, you do NOT have to do what he says. You CAN take your own actions without first negotiating his approval. It isn't easy, I'll admit that. But it is possible, if not necessary.

P.S. In answer to the question in the title. Yes there is hope. It starts with you. When you are healthier, you can help the relationship and him.

[arabella]

lena7;

I thought I'd switch over to posting my reply on this thread rather than the other one.

I'm going to reiterate what the others have said: PLEASE call your local hotline for domestic violence support. It's a free call, completely anonymous, and you don't have to commit to anything - just gather some information so that you know what options you have available to you. You need all of the information you can get in order to make a good decision for yourself. And, yes, next time there is violence involved, directed either at you or himself, CALL 911. Even if you call and he hangs up, emergency services will still show up to help you. This isn't just for yourself - your husband needs help and this may be the only way he will get it. This is beyond just being a BPD issue, you both need to be safe before things can get better.

If you don't know who to call and don't have the time or the ability to research the subject in your local area - contact one of the site moderators (see top of your screen ^) and they will get the information for you.

p.s. I know you were considering purchasing some of the recommended books... .  Do you think your H will be okay with that? I know I bought a few books and they really upset my pwBPD when he saw them, he thought I was trying to 'fix' him and he got angry and depressed. But perhaps this just isn't one of your H's triggers and he's perfectly all right with it - in which case, that's great! Under normal circumstances, I would say just go ahead and do what you want, arm yourself with books! But you are not describing a 'normal' situation and my first thought is for your safety.

[nothinleft]

lena7

I totally agree with illuminati and UFN, your BPD is DANGEROUSLY ILL! No matter what he is like when not in an "episode", no matter how few or far in-between, his complete lack of impulse control gives you every right for self protection, whether it is calling the police or leaving. You most likely don't know when the next rant will occur, but your description of his outrageous attempts of having COMPLETE control over you is abundant reason for you to make serious preparation to leave and gaurrantee the safety of that move by getting the authorities involved BEFORE he looses it again. I have known of plenty of men with anger issues (sane or not), especially with women, and they are solved in a heart beat when they try to act those out with men more powerful than they are. Maybe the police could "help him out" with that (even temporarily) if he dares be that way in their presence, and I'm not kidding! My BPDW is a case similar to yours, except for the "cutting". She has not and most likely will not respond to anything, especially after all of this time, her mis- thinking and preceptions are so deeply imbedded. Although she has become violent against me and has tried to control almost all aspects of my life, the fact that I am physically stronger has prevented much that you are suffering. Other that that it is just not in me, not do I desire to use that advantage inappropriatly against her, for I truley love her. I so wish you well and hope and urge you to take these posts seriously... .  nothinleft

[Grey Kitty]

Although she has become violent against me and has tried to control almost all aspects of my life, the fact that I am physically stronger has prevented much that you are suffering.

Nothingleft... .  WATCH OUT there are some big risks here for you:

1. Abuse does tend to escalate, it may be worse next time. She could still hurt you very badly (at least with a weapon).

2. Even restraining her when she is trying to harm you or herself is risky if authorities get involved. Restraint does qualify as domestic violence as far as the police are concerned.

3. When the police (or courts) are involved, they expect the man to be the abuser and the wife to be the victim. This increases  your risks... .  ESPECIALLY if she says you were hitting her. (Remember how common projection is? She could somehow believe it when she says it, even as she is being physically violent with you.)

I recommend that YOU also call a local DV hotline, to help you better understand the risks and options for you.

[sad but wiser]

Dear lena7,

I agree with all the others.  YOU ARE IN DANGER!  You need a safe place to go.  My BPDh accelerated as he got older, and yes, the fact that you are two decades younger probably means that he thought you would be easy to control. 

  Don't get me wrong, he NEEDS control desperately.  Unfortunately for him, other people have free will and one can never completely control the actions of another. 

Obviously, you take your "I do's" very seriously.  So did I.  Truthfully, though, your husband was not actually eligible for a marriage.  It is like the fact that a child cannot enter into a binding contract.  A marriage is a partnership covenant, and he cannot provide a loving, supportive partnership from his end.

  Is there hope?  Well, all relationships and people are different.  If you go somewhere safe and let him know you will not be able to come back until he gets serious help, it may spur him on to do so.  You need to get help and support too.  This is a very lonely road.

[nothinleft]

Grey Kitty,

Yes I know we are ALL dealing with some big risks as we live with seriuosly ill BPD SOs. The point I was making with your highlighted statement of mine was this: many women are physically intimidated and are forced into following the irrational dictates of their BPD male SOs "or else". Since most men who live with BPD SO females are physically stronger, they are not as intimidated in that manner to comply because there is no big "or else" looming, although we are all vulnerable in the ungaurded moment or  certain situations. I do know the law still favors the woman in DV situations, but that is changing, especially when they determine a serious mental issue exists with one. When we use whatever power we have in a proper, balanced and just manner it really can not be condemned. I also realize the wisdom of keeping and protecting my right to make decisions by avoiding situations where the police or courts could get involved and make them for me. Anyway, thanks for the "heads up", I'm always listening.