He just won't stop...

[lostkitten]

Backstory here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192434.0;topicseen

I went away to Puerto Rico on a girls trip last week. It was something I would have never done ... .  but, in now focusing on me, it was the perfect thing to do.

After over a week of NC, he texted me, while I was on my trip, telling me he was hoping I was having a good time. Of course, I didnt ignore it, but instead wrote him back and told him I missed him. He then proceeded to say he was "sorry for that", then went back and forth and he ended up getting angry at me. He's just SO angry and SO "done" and SO convinced of his choice - yet everytime I make a step further away, he's right there, and then getting mad at me for being upset.

I want to be with him. I do not want to be the scapegoat for his problems, and take all the blame. I was honest with him, always, and he was what I wanted. My mind didnt change. My heart didnt change.

[Clearmind]

I went away to Puerto Rico on a girls trip last week. It was something I would have never done ... .  but, in now focusing on me, it was the perfect thing to do.

So awesome! Love PR!

After over a week of NC, he texted me, while I was on my trip, telling me he was hoping I was having a good time. Of course, I didnt ignore it, but instead wrote him back and told him I missed him. He then proceeded to say he was "sorry for that", then went back and forth and he ended up getting angry at me. He's just SO angry and SO "done" and SO convinced of his choice - yet everytime I make a step further away, he's right there, and then getting mad at me for being upset.

He used this opportunity to berate you lostkitten. In times like this when he is hurling abuse, please don’t answer. It can in fact make it worse if you continue to react. When a Borderline is dysregulated no amount of explaining and justifying will fix it – only time is needed for him to calm himself down rather than lay it on you.

I want to be with him. I do not want to be the scapegoat for his problems, and take all the blame. I was honest with him, always, and he was what I wanted. My mind didnt change. My heart didnt change.

You love him I understand that lostkitten and its ever so hard – I know.

What needs to change for you to consider reconciliation?

[lostkitten]

I went away to Puerto Rico on a girls trip last week. It was something I would have never done ... .  but, in now focusing on me, it was the perfect thing to do.

So awesome! Love PR!

After over a week of NC, he texted me, while I was on my trip, telling me he was hoping I was having a good time. Of course, I didnt ignore it, but instead wrote him back and told him I missed him. He then proceeded to say he was "sorry for that", then went back and forth and he ended up getting angry at me. He's just SO angry and SO "done" and SO convinced of his choice - yet everytime I make a step further away, he's right there, and then getting mad at me for being upset.

He used this opportunity to berate you lostkitten. In times like this when he is hurling abuse, please don’t answer. It can in fact make it worse if you continue to react. When a Borderline is dysregulated no amount of explaining and justifying will fix it – only time is needed for him to calm himself down rather than lay it on you.

I want to be with him. I do not want to be the scapegoat for his problems, and take all the blame. I was honest with him, always, and he was what I wanted. My mind didnt change. My heart didnt change.

You love him I understand that lostkitten and its ever so hard – I know.

What needs to change for you to consider reconciliation?

I want him to come back. I want him to apologize, and agree to go to couples therapy with me. He needs to go back to his therapist for himself, as well. He seems to have no conscious at all for what he did - all the pain, hurt and suffering hes caused.

A mutual friend ran into him recently, and said he was alone, drinking heavily, and seemed "sad and weird". Apparently his facebook updates recently have all said things along the lines of "No regrets" ... .  Is he saying that to convince himself, or make it seem like he's alright, or is he really so callous? 4 months ago, we were engaged and happily planning our wedding and future. We had a great home together, great plans and a wonderful life. He threw it all away.

[Clearmind]

lostkitten, sometimes it helps to see the reality of the situation and in my own r/s I swept a lot of behavior under the carpet and turned a blind eye.

Drinking is a maladaptive coping skill to self soothe.

You have a boundary that he needs to seek therapy to even consider reconciliation - good for you! Because he does have a responsibility. It is unfortunate that our BPD loved ones really do need to hit bottom before even contemplating it.

Where to from here? Are you in communication?

[benny2]

So funny, I recently took a trip to Mexico and after NC for 2 weeks received the same text message while I was there. I simply replied yes I am having a good time and left it at that. I know that when I let my feelings out to him, it triggers him. He does not want to hear that I miss him or still love him. I am not sure if it brings on guilt feelings or a form of commitment. Since I have been back he has been contacting me several times a day, I have gone to see him twice, and now out of the blue I have'nt heard from him again. I have made it clear to him that I know where things stand and I know there is no hope of a future for us. I refuse to let him pull me back into his fantasyland again

[lostkitten]

lostkitten, sometimes it helps to see the reality of the situation and in my own r/s I swept a lot of behavior under the carpet and turned a blind eye.

Drinking is a maladaptive coping skill to self soothe.

You have a boundary that he needs to seek therapy to even consider reconciliation - good for you! Because he does have a responsibility. It is unfortunate that our BPD loved ones really do need to hit bottom before even contemplating it.

Where to from here? Are you in communication?

We were NC for 2 weeks after my vacation texts. I ran into him Sunday night, at a concert my friends band was playing. It was suprising to see him there. He was alone, drinking, and pacing around. He passed me close to 10 times, even once bumping into my shoulder/purse, and staring. Never once, though, did he say hello or even act like he knew me. It killed me.

After I left, I texted him that I was taking a cue from him, and didn't say hello because it seemed like it would have been unwelcome. He then proceeded to immediately text me back... .  saying that "as long as I can understand the era of him in my life is over, he's ready for a friendship". As nicely as I could, I told him I can't do that right now, as I am still trying to pick up the pieces, but it doesnt mean i'm an enemy. He then told me about a show his band is playing next week near my new apartment and that "the balls in my court" and I can "come or don't".

My friend spoke with him that night, after I left, and he proceeded to say "~ sucks" he has "no regrets" and I looked "beautiful but sad and it killed him".

He's obviously dealing with things however he chooses to. I'm focused on keeping up NC and trying to keep space. I've been trying to keep a good head about all of this, and trying to make sense, even thoughh it makes none.

@diane22121 I admire your strength. I've been being an open book - I guess, in a way, for him to see that he's caused hurt and pain. I feel like ignoring him, or being very cut and dry with any future communication may be best.