How do you feel about it all?

[mango_flower]

I was wondering when I'll get to the stage where I'm glad for my lucky escape... .  

It's been 3.5 months.

Right now I feel:

1. Betrayed.  She promised she'd love me forever and broke that.

2. Angry: She walked out on me leaving me with the bills, rent and committments

3. Jealous: She is with somebody new and is loved up

4. Resentful: She just walked away into happiness and I am lonely

5. Ashamed: I feel ashamed that I was so sucked in, and I feel ashamed that people feel sorry for me

6. Guilty: Like I failed her, I didn't do enough.  Wasn't supportive enough towards the end when her meltdown kicked in over my postponement of the wedding (I was just exhausted by that point!)

7. Embarrassed: She borrowed money from mutual friends and never paid it back before she ran away

8. Like a fool: I plastered all over facebook how in love I was with her - I came out so to speak to many people who hadn't known (not that it should be a problem). I introduced her to all my family and friends and included her in my family.  They now all feel so sorry for me.

9. Scared: I don't trust my own judgement anymore.  And I'm scared of little things, like not knowing how to mow the lawn!  She always did that.

10. Unloveable: She was my first proper long term relationship - first girl I ever moved in with.  I thought I was loveable and special - on that pedestal - and now I know it could have been anyone.  It was never me, only what I was able to give her in terms of attention and safety.

11. Bitter: It was all lies.

12. Hurt: That I was never special. I thought I was. I truly thought I had found "the one".

13. Used: When things were perfect, they were amazing.  Yet as soon as I expressed my own opinion on changing our wedding date, she walked. That cannot be true love... .  surely?

14: Disillusioned: I fell in love with someone who didn't really exist.  I fell in love with who I thought she was - it was all a mirage.  I wonder what was real.  And I'm scared that the fairytale love doesn't really exist - after 32 years of believing it didn't, I found it, only to find out it wasn't real.

15: Sad: So very sad that she has to live in this internal hell for eternity.

16: Cynical: That everything she ever did for me, all the flowers etc, were NEVER to make me feel good, but a way of ensuring I stuck around to make her feel good.

And last but not least:

15: Broken.  Like my eyes have been opened to the darkness that is out there that infests BPD souls - and it's not their fault. It must be hell for them to live with. I've lost my faith in the world.

Anyone else care to add?

Also, how far out are you? I think it would help to hear a wide range of perspectives.

[WT]

Hi mango_flower, I think that I've mentioned that I'm a little over a month out from the end of my relationship when my ex left me for another guy, and I've felt pretty much everything that you've listed.  I've gotten over almost all of it by reading about just how similar my story was to everyone else's and realizing that this was just the way that my ex was going to behave.  I wanted to give you a few reassurances in regards to your list.

6. Guilty: You didn't fail her.  Your relationship was doomed from the start, which was comforting for me to learn because then I knew that there was nothing that I did wrong to cause it to end.

9. Scared: I know how you feel about not trusting your own judgment.  I plan to ask my friends who are in healthy relationships about how their relationships progressed so that I can have a baseline to compare myself against.

10: Unlovable: While it's true that she might not have loved you in a truly adult way, it's your lovable qualities that caused her to become attracted to you in the first place.  Even normal, healthy relationships can end for any number of reasons, and that doesn't mean that you aren't lovable.

12: Hurt: In her own twisted way, you were very special, but it's very fleeting for someone with BPD.

13: Used: See 12.

14: Disillusioned: I'm not sure that I can believe in the same kind of intense love that we experienced either, but love is definitely out there.

17: Broken: This relationship has definitely opened my eyes to the world as well.  I feel that it has made me a more complete person, one that's less naive about the way that the world works.