the pwBPD in my life - why me?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was at graduate school when I first became aware of BPD in a personal way.  I had been dating "Na1" for a month or so.  One week she kind of disappered.  She wasn't showing up at lunch time as she normally would.  I went to check on her, finding her dorm room door closed but not locked.  I went in and found that "Na1" had been in bed for 3 days and nobody had thought to check on her.  I held her in my arms.  That's when I felt something hard in the pocket of her housecoat.  I found a few little pink razors.  When I looked at her legs it was obvious that she had been self-injuring.  Myself and a few of her close friends took her to the hospital to be evaluated.  She was admitted.

When she got out of the hospital she seemed to be doing better.  She had a T and some anti-depressant medication.  She moved out of the dorm and in with me (I was renting the bottom half of a house).  Things went well until I went away for a few days to my cousin's wedding.  :)uring this time, Natasha slept with a few other guys.  One episode was even done right in front of a mutual friend, who told me about it later.  "Na1" moved out.  We tried couple's counselling but she didn't take it seriously.  She even showed up to one session really high on pot.

Some time went by and I met "Na2".  She was fun to be around and liked a lot of the same things I did.  Her father caught her doing drugs and self-injuring.  She, too, was admitted to hospital.  She was there for 2 months, and I visited her everyday.  When she was about to be discharged, her Dr. told me that, ""Na2" is no better now than when she entered the hospital."  I wondered why, then, were they discharging her?

The drugs, self-injury etc. continued.  "Na2" was extremely clingy, to the point that I was finding it hard to get my work done.  I suggested that we see other people.  She vandalized my apartment door, scratching her initials into it with a key.  Another time she pushed the door so hard that the lock broke.  At this point I jumped out the window and called police.  She refused to go willingly, so the police had to carry her out to the squad car.

After I had moved to another town, "Na2" contacted me and said that she was pregnant.  She told me that it could be one of 4 different guys.  She had slept with 3 other guys in the week that I had moved.  It turned out that she wasn't preganant at all.

That was when I met one of my students named "Na3".  I have documented on here our 11 years together, 7 of them as a married couple.  I have talked about her physical and emotional abuse, self-injury, suicide attempts, idealization/devaluing of me, and general papttern of unstable behavior and relationships.  Of the three relationships, "Na3" is the only woman who received an actual diagnosis of BPD, which, of course, she rejected completely.

I guess my question is why me?  Is there perhaps something in the way I present myself that makes me attractive to people with BPD?

[Scott44]

I was at graduate school when I first became aware of BPD in a personal way.  I had been dating "Na1" for a month or so.  One week she kind of disappered.  She wasn't showing up at lunch time as she normally would.  I went to check on her, finding her dorm room door closed but not locked.  I went in and found that "Na1" had been in bed for 3 days and nobody had thought to check on her.  I held her in my arms.  That's when I felt something hard in the pocket of her housecoat.  I found a few little pink razors.  When I looked at her legs it was obvious that she had been self-injuring.  Myself and a few of her close friends took her to the hospital to be evaluated.  She was admitted.

When she got out of the hospital she seemed to be doing better.  She had a T and some anti-depressant medication.  She moved out of the dorm and in with me (I was renting the bottom half of a house).  Things went well until I went away for a few days to my cousin's wedding.  :)uring this time, Natasha slept with a few other guys.  One episode was even done right in front of a mutual friend, who told me about it later.  "Na1" moved out.  We tried couple's counselling but she didn't take it seriously.  She even showed up to one session really high on pot.

Some time went by and I met "Na2".  She was fun to be around and liked a lot of the same things I did.  Her father caught her doing drugs and self-injuring.  She, too, was admitted to hospital.  She was there for 2 months, and I visited her everyday.  When she was about to be discharged, her Dr. told me that, ""Na2" is no better now than when she entered the hospital."  I wondered why, then, were they discharging her?

The drugs, self-injury etc. continued.  "Na2" was extremely clingy, to the point that I was finding it hard to get my work done.  I suggested that we see other people.  She vandalized my apartment door, scratching her initials into it with a key.  Another time she pushed the door so hard that the lock broke.  At this point I jumped out the window and called police.  She refused to go willingly, so the police had to carry her out to the squad car.

After I had moved to another town, "Na2" contacted me and said that she was pregnant.  She told me that it could be one of 4 different guys.  She had slept with 3 other guys in the week that I had moved.  It turned out that she wasn't preganant at all.

That was when I met one of my students named "Na3".  I have documented on here our 11 years together, 7 of them as a married couple.  I have talked about her physical and emotional abuse, self-injury, suicide attempts, idealization/devaluing of me, and general papttern of unstable behavior and relationships.  Of the three relationships, "Na3" is the only woman who received an actual diagnosis of BPD, which, of course, she rejected completely.

I guess my question is why me?  Is there perhaps something in the way I present myself that makes me attractive to people with BPD?

[Somewhere]

Ya Think?   

Did you save stray puppies as a kid?

Or is it just a recent hobby?

[Scott44]

Point taken Somewhere!

[Scott44]

I think part of the problem is that when people see me being all emotional and passionate about a subject matter, a certain type of person sees me as a great potential rescuer.  Not a healthy way to start a relationship, since the whole thing can't be based around me saving them.  As soon as they realize this, I am devalued or painted black.

[AbayaLady]

Anyone else kind of freaked out that all of the names start with "Na"? Weird.

Sorry if this sounds flippant—I don't mean to belittle what you've been through. It does seem to be that those attracted to/who attract pwBPD share a lot of the same traits, and we tend to either put up with these people or find them over and over again. In my family, we put up with them (but I am breaking that cycle). I have three sisters and two of them are in 15+ yr r/s with uBPDh and the third is very possibly BPD herself. I am separating from by uBPDh of three months before this goes further.

I think asking "why me" is the most productive question we can ask here on this site. We've basically figured out what is/was wrong with THEM. Now it's time to move on and realize what makes US tick, why we keep looking to rescue, what we did in these relationships to make things worse, and how to get to a place where we deliberately seek a more balanced partnership.

I sure hope I can take my own advice.

[Iced]

I know that for myself at the beginning, I reached out to people because I wanted to help them.  I had been raised in a very loving family and the one thing that tore me apart was to see others who had been denied the same experience.  Love is wonderful; I wanted to share that warmth and show other people that despite everything, there CAN still be love.

Unfortunately, this led to me accidentally falling into a 'Rescuer' mode - something I didn't realize until I myself went into therapy to go What the heck is going on with me and 'attracting' all this drama to myself?

Basically, I was being seen as 'too open' and 'too receptive' and unfortunately, being that I was a bit naive, I also didn't set the right boundaries.  Quite frankly, I have always felt - and continue to feel - that maybe my own understanding and comprehension of social cues is a bit 'off' and so though I had been told all my life 'take care of yourself; don't let others take advantage of you', I never could truly comprehend what the concern was... .  until I was an adult and realized with help that for all of my life, perhaps I have always been deficient at setting boundaries.  I got picked on as a child (an example that stands out in my mind is that I used to very willingly share my school supplies with my seatmate... .  only to sometimes have them steal them... .  but then I never really 'got'/understood what was going on and why it happened and so I let it continue).

That said, once I realized and understood what was happening, I 'closed off' in the sense of being more self-aware and made sure to set boundaries from the get-go to protect myself.  I learned to say no and learned that I could still love and care for others... .  even though I wasn't and couldn't be always there and 'catering' to every crisis that popped up and letting my lack of boundaries become my very liability.

Just because you back out of an unhealthy interpersonal relationship (of any sort) doesn't make you a bad person or suggest that you have 'failed'.  Just because you DO set boundaries doesn't make you cold or callous or unromantic.  ... .  And just because you would like to believe that all people are inherently good doesn't mean that you shouldn't set boundaries for yourself for protection.  Conversely it also doesn't mean that setting boundaries = you think all people are bad, either. 

No.  Boundaries are what child-safety gates are for - SAFETY.  For you, AND for the other people in your life.  It can help temper tempers, foster better communication, help give structure to people who really need it, and set ground rules and foundations that are -mutually- HEALTHY.

Screaming and yelling isn't going to do anyone any good regardless of who is right or wrong.  Neither will simply drinking in all the rage that becomes abuse because eventually, all of that equates to resentment, fear, misunderstanding, and who knows what else.

Conversely, for a friend of mine, he feels a desire to help others, too, but for him, it's because he felt UNloved as a child and so helping others (in his own words) is directly linked to the fact that he likes to feel needed.  Helping others = others needing him = him being loved and cared for and... .  well... .  needed.

Unfortunately, much like how I let my openness and receptiveness-to-a-fault put me in vulnerable positions to be steamrollered over by people who have a hard time with things like attachment and boundaries, he did similarly... .  but unlike me who did NOT equate helping others with me being needed and loved and cared for, he has STAYED in the situations he has gotten into and though he has struggled with dealing with the chaos that we all have endured, he has also not set his boundaries and has also not left some interpersonal situations which most of us here would consider 'toxic'.

Ultimately, he was - and still is - always drawn (though perhaps not an active thought in his mind) to those who 'need help' and of course, it takes two to tango, and with him feeling like he 'needs' to be 'needed' by someone else... .  the cycle perpetuates.

Have you ever felt similarly, by any chance?

[Iced]

NO one can be ANYONE'S 'savior' without the person who needs 'saving' to be absolutely willing to help themselves out in any way they can... .  in a HEALTHY manner.

They wanted YOU to be responsible for THEM... .  without taking responsibility - honest to goodness responsibility and accountability - for themselves.


Don't let other people's deficiencies in understanding what's healthy (which result in deficient and unrealistic and UNFAIR expectations) become your mirror of what IS healthy or not.

Just because you are painted black because they are being influenced by their disorder doesn't mean you ARE wrong.

[just me.]

I guess my question is why me?  Is there perhaps something in the way I present myself that makes me attractive to people with BPD?

How about this as an alternative question to consider:

"I guess my question is why me?  Is there perhaps something in the way people with BPD present themselves that make them attractive to me?"


In my personal experience, a pwBPD may very much crave someone that can see their complexity and pain as all being part of a beautiful mosaic that makes them even more perfect than they'd be without it.  That's how I saw mine, and that's what made me a perfect candidate for everything that was to follow.

Rather than seeing obvious displays of emotional instability as off-putting, it seems that you instead have been consistently drawn to it... ?  Somebody who finds self-destructive behavior to be alluring would certainly seem particularly likely to end up in one of these relationships.

I think that instead of being worried you may attract yet another pwBPD, you should perhaps consider what you can do so that you might start being attracted to healthier people... ?

[GustheDog]

In my case, I believe they are attracted to me because I seem strong - yet sensitive in my strength (as I think a female BPD needs sensitivity but would be repelled by a highly-emotional or effeminate man).  I think they're also drawn to the fact that I have a well-defined sense of self, am ambitious, hard-working, and value integrity.  BPDs need strong hosts, and I suspect they are likely to choose to mirror those with traits they wish they could, but do not, have themselves.

On the flipside, I think I'm attracted to them because I desire to connect with others but have a hard time doing so.  I haven't had much success developing healthy, organic, intimate connections or feeling comfortable being vulnerable to others.  Because it was manufactured, contrived, and disingenuous, I didn't achieve this with my BPDex either.  But I really thought I did, and that's what hooked me.

[goldylamont]

Because it was manufactured, contrived, and disingenuous, I didn't achieve this with my BPDex either.  But I really thought I did, and that's what hooked me.

i think it's unfair to think that everything about the relationship was manufactured/contrived/disingenuous. the reason, i feel, that ending these relationships hurts so much is because there was a real connection with this person; they are just unable to trust or maintain this level of intimacy. i think it depends a lot on how high functioning they are.

i read a lot about "mirroring"--i don't think my ex mirrored me much. we were already interested in the same things before we met and she had her own hobbies and things she like to do as well as I. we supported each other doing different things.

i also never wanted to "save" her--of course i put up with a LOT of crap, and i have a natural sense to want to help those i love but i was never deluded into thinking i could actually help the person. perhaps maybe i could offer support or love to help themselves... .  ? not! 

i guess what i'm saying GustheDog is that unless you were suffering from serious issues at the time and you (like most of us) didn't know wth you were getting into then it's quite possible that the good moments (as damn well as the bad  ) were true. i think what i'm trying to say is that even though BPD people may be super controlling it may not be a conscious act at all times, even the devil needs a rest, eh? 

[almost789]

When I read the title of your thread , ' why me?' I automatically thought. 'victim' I always thought the statement 'why me' was based in self pity. After one BPD cutting relationship didnt work out it seems normal that one would recognize the red flags and learn to never involve with someone similar again. That doesnt seem to be the case here. No lesson learned. Im not a psychologist so I dont know what exactly this means though or how to fix the problem. Check out jeffery youngs book, reinventing you life. Its about identifying andd repairing repeated and negative life choices called lifetraps.

[goldylamont]

aiye, i have to agree with SummerT321 Scott, it's probably a good idea to talk with a therapist to see why this has repeatedly happened. don't beat yourself up but don't look away from the truth either. you're strong enough to see it, then change your reality to the truth you need

[Scott44]

Thanks for the advice.  I guess I have a whole new topic for my therapist.

[GustheDog]

i think it's unfair to think that everything about the relationship was manufactured/contrived/disingenuous. the reason, i feel, that ending these relationships hurts so much is because there was a real connection with this person; they are just unable to trust or maintain this level of intimacy. i think it depends a lot on how high functioning they are.

I take your point.  The connection was "real" in a sense.  But it was not what I perceived it to be.  

I have always described my ex as high-functioning, mostly because she has a graduate degree and a high-profile career.  But the more I think about it, it seems like just keeping it together long enough to not "expose" her "true" self between 9-5 is about all she can handle.  Outside of that professional/work identity, she's pretty low-functioning.

i read a lot about "mirroring"--i don't think my ex mirrored me much. we were already interested in the same things before we met and she had her own hobbies and things she like to do as well as I. we supported each other doing different things.

Continuing with what I stated above, I was heavily mirrored and she basically had zero interests or hobbies before adopting mine.

i guess what i'm saying GustheDog is that unless you were suffering from serious issues at the time and you (like most of us) didn't know wth you were getting into then it's quite possible that the good moments (as damn well as the bad   were true. i think what i'm trying to say is that even though BPD people may be super controlling it may not be a conscious act at all times, even the devil needs a rest, eh?  

"I did not know what I was getting into."  That should have been the entirety of my intro post.

And I'm inclined to agree with the rest of this paragraph.  I also tend to think its a mixture.  It seems, though, that the prevailing attitude is that it is NEVER conscious.  I find this a dubious proposition.