New here, confused and fed up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

This is my first post and hoping to get some support and advice from others about what to do.  

In a nutshell - I come from a really close family and am one of 3 sisters.   We all had the same upbringing by my wonderful parents and since we lived abroad all went to boarding school.  Myself and my middle sister got on fine, however my youngest sister (8yrs younger) found it really hard being away from home and got bullied, this is where they think the BPD started from.  After her A'levels (18) she had a gap year before her place at Uni - she met an american boy, whom she became infatuated with, who we now know was using heroin and other hard drugs and was bi-polar.  She got pregnant with his child (we only found out 5mths into the pregnancy).  This was the beginning of a long and rocky road for our family, my parents took him, her and the baby in to live with them in Africa where they lived.  To cut a very long and painful story short she moved back to London with the boyfriend and son to live in my gran's old flat and ended up secretly marrying him and after 10 years of an abusive relationship, he finally left her, in £60,000 worth of debt and returned back to the states.  Over this time we were all sick with worry and knew something was badly wrong - though she was really depressed and unable to cope with life, time and time again over the 10 years we stepped in an helped her out and have always been there for her, much to her husbands' displeasure.  

2 and half years ago - the truth all came out, she was now in the grips of a crack and alcohol habit, unable to look after herself or her child.  My parents gave up their life in Africa, moved back to england and spent the first 6mths living on a sofa bed in her sitting room trying to get to the bottom of what was going on - she was eventually diagnosed with BPD and 4mths later she was sent to rehab after a horrific self harming incident in front of her son.   She came out and relapsed within 5 days of coming out and managed to find herself a new boyfriend in there who was a recovering heroin and crack user.  He also relapsed quickly after leaving rehab.  

She moved back to london to be near us (her sisters) and on the premise of getting a new independent life for herself, we at this stage thought the relapse was a one off.  The boyfriend lives in Bristol with is mother and kid.  We have helped her get in recovery programs, deal with social workers, find a psychologist, and hoped that with this support she could slowly get better.  However, the last year has been a roller coaster of constant relapses involving crack and alcohol, the one before last saw her being raped in the middle of the night by 2 drug dealers.  I have looked after her son on and off during the year, trying to protect him from the emotional damage when she is off the rails.  She swings between being lovely, engaging and my wonderful sister to a secretive, scheming, selfish, horrible person who will at a drop of a hat, give up everything she has worked for to go and relapse with her boyfriend - who is also Hep C positive and has a long criminal record of theft, violence and arson or to indulge herself in secret with her dysfunctional habits.  

She is on the waiting list for a specialist treatment center and for the last couple of weeks has been engaging with all her services and has taken up running and there is no recent signs of self harm.  However, I have that awful feeling that things are going too well and had a look at his facebook (he has an open page) and have seen that she has got engaged to him and posting about how he has saved her with his love from addiction not rehab (the fact that she relapsed 2 week ago seems to be forgotten).  I now feel sick, I don't want her to bring him into our lives and I never want my children to be exposed to someone like that.  I know the whole thing is based on fantasy and know she is desperate to have another baby.  She cannot see why we don't want to know him, says we are just judging him on his past, even though he was convicted of theft again just before xmas and is on a 12mth community service charge.   He is not clean or sober and has lied to her, cheated and stolen from her in the past year.  She just says that we haven't given him a chance and are judging him on his past and he is a lovely guy and we just don't want to see it.

What do I do? I want to speak to her about him, but worry that it will cause her to relapse again.  I have encouraged her to find out about relationships and BPD but she won't read or look up anything on her disorder.   I once again have the feeling of waiting for the nuclear explosion to go off and hate feeling powerless that there is nothing I can do about it.   It is a re-run of the past, I wish sometimes that she didn't' have her son so I would be able to stand back and let her get on with things but she knows we won't abandon them and will try everything to make sure that her son has a stable home environment, but on the other hand she is close to running out of chances with social services and us being a loving supportive family is the only thing keeping him with her.

Any advice would be appreciated - will it make it worse if I send her articles on relationships and untreated BPD? Do I say something? Do I just let things run its course? I feel so anxious about it, my worst fear is that she will go off and secretly marry him (as he has done before) get pregnant and it all falls apart and we are left supporting and bringing up another child.  The boyfriend is far more dangerous than her husband was and fear for my own and family's safety if we are seen to be interfering, he thinks we are controlling and mad anyway and will it be me next time who has their house set on fire rather than the pub owner he had an argument with the last time he did it?  How do you though just stand by and watch someone run off a cliff and not say anything? I am so confused and anxious and so fed up of her dramas which always have to be life threatening dominating mine and my family's life.  

Sorry for the essay and thank you for any advice!

[Worn out sister]

Hello all,

This is my first post and hoping to get some support and advice from others about what to do.  

In a nutshell - I come from a really close family and am one of 3 sisters.   We all had the same upbringing by my wonderful parents and since we lived abroad all went to boarding school.  Myself and my middle sister got on fine, however my youngest sister (8yrs younger) found it really hard being away from home and got bullied, this is where they think the BPD started from.  After her A'levels (18) she had a gap year before her place at Uni - she met an american boy, whom she became infatuated with, who we now know was using heroin and other hard drugs and was bi-polar.  She got pregnant with his child (we only found out 5mths into the pregnancy).  This was the beginning of a long and rocky road for our family, my parents took him, her and the baby in to live with them in Africa where they lived.  To cut a very long and painful story short she moved back to London with the boyfriend and son to live in my gran's old flat and ended up secretly marrying him and after 10 years of an abusive relationship, he finally left her, in £60,000 worth of debt and returned back to the states.  Over this time we were all sick with worry and knew something was badly wrong - though she was really depressed and unable to cope with life, time and time again over the 10 years we stepped in an helped her out and have always been there for her, much to her husbands' displeasure.  

2 and half years ago - the truth all came out, she was now in the grips of a crack and alcohol habit, unable to look after herself or her child.  My parents gave up their life in Africa, moved back to england and spent the first 6mths living on a sofa bed in her sitting room trying to get to the bottom of what was going on - she was eventually diagnosed with BPD and 4mths later she was sent to rehab after a horrific self harming incident in front of her son.   She came out and relapsed within 5 days of coming out and managed to find herself a new boyfriend in there who was a recovering heroin and crack user.  He also relapsed quickly after leaving rehab.  

She moved back to london to be near us (her sisters) and on the premise of getting a new independent life for herself, we at this stage thought the relapse was a one off.  The boyfriend lives in Bristol with is mother and kid.  We have helped her get in recovery programs, deal with social workers, find a psychologist, and hoped that with this support she could slowly get better.  However, the last year has been a roller coaster of constant relapses involving crack and alcohol, the one before last saw her being raped in the middle of the night by 2 drug dealers.  I have looked after her son on and off during the year, trying to protect him from the emotional damage when she is off the rails.  She swings between being lovely, engaging and my wonderful sister to a secretive, scheming, selfish, horrible person who will at a drop of a hat, give up everything she has worked for to go and relapse with her boyfriend - who is also Hep C positive and has a long criminal record of theft, violence and arson or to indulge herself in secret with her dysfunctional habits.  

She is on the waiting list for a specialist treatment center and for the last couple of weeks has been engaging with all her services and has taken up running and there is no recent signs of self harm.  However, I have that awful feeling that things are going too well and had a look at his facebook (he has an open page) and have seen that she has got engaged to him and posting about how he has saved her with his love from addiction not rehab (the fact that she relapsed 2 week ago seems to be forgotten).  I now feel sick, I don't want her to bring him into our lives and I never want my children to be exposed to someone like that.  I know the whole thing is based on fantasy and know she is desperate to have another baby.  She cannot see why we don't want to know him, says we are just judging him on his past, even though he was convicted of theft again just before xmas and is on a 12mth community service charge.   He is not clean or sober and has lied to her, cheated and stolen from her in the past year.  She just says that we haven't given him a chance and are judging him on his past and he is a lovely guy and we just don't want to see it.

What do I do? I want to speak to her about him, but worry that it will cause her to relapse again.  I have encouraged her to find out about relationships and BPD but she won't read or look up anything on her disorder.   I once again have the feeling of waiting for the nuclear explosion to go off and hate feeling powerless that there is nothing I can do about it.   It is a re-run of the past, I wish sometimes that she didn't' have her son so I would be able to stand back and let her get on with things but she knows we won't abandon them and will try everything to make sure that her son has a stable home environment, but on the other hand she is close to running out of chances with social services and us being a loving supportive family is the only thing keeping him with her.

Any advice would be appreciated - will it make it worse if I send her articles on relationships and untreated BPD? Do I say something? Do I just let things run its course? I feel so anxious about it, my worst fear is that she will go off and secretly marry him (as he has done before) get pregnant and it all falls apart and we are left supporting and bringing up another child.  The boyfriend is far more dangerous than her husband was and fear for my own and family's safety if we are seen to be interfering, he thinks we are controlling and mad anyway and will it be me next time who has their house set on fire rather than the pub owner he had an argument with the last time he did it?  How do you though just stand by and watch someone run off a cliff and not say anything? I am so confused and anxious and so fed up of her dramas which always have to be life threatening dominating mine and my family's life.  

Sorry for the essay and thank you for any advice!

[Worn out sister]

Ps - I have just read this article - https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Frightening how this accurately describes my sister's relationships, would love to show her it in the hope it may give her insight into how her feeling are based on need and obsession and not love, in the desperate hope she can stop and think about her actions and not get in any deeper.  However, would it just make things worse or would it be helpful? Would she just react by relapsing and I will then have to look after her son as social services say she can't have him staying with her while she is engaging in dysfunctional behavior

[forgottenarm]

 

Welcome to bpdfamily.com, Wornoutsister

I'm so glad you posted your story.  It sounds like your whole family has been through a lot.   Understandably you're trying to figure out how best to help your sister.  It's really wonderful that you're reaching out for information and support with this.  And you've definitely come to the right place!

You described an immediate situation---your sister's romantic relationship--and a longer term pattern of problems.  It's hard to say what you can or should do about your sister's decisions regarding marriage, etc.  I'd suggest you keep reading and learning about the larger pattern of BPD behavior and then see where that leads you in terms of intervening.

Glad you found that article helpful!  You might find this book really interesting, as it provides an outstanding overview not only of BPD, but ways to help:

Essential Family Guide

In terms of approaching someone with BPD information, you're right that there are two sides to consider.  You might find this article helpful as it discusses the pros and cons:

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Has your sister ever received therapy?  Does she seem aware that she has a problem?

[Worn out sister]

Oh dear - tried to copy and paste my reply but that didnt work either - sorry everyone still getting the hang of this if anyone knows how to delete the last half attempted mistakes would be great to know how.

Than you so much for your reply, I will def read the links and the book you suggest.  Yes she is in therapy, but because of her addictions it has been mainly focused on that - we are waiting for a place to come up at a BPD day center, but there is a 6-9mth waiting list, but hopefully when she gets in there she will learn more about and how to manage her disorder. 

We tried asking her therapist for advice a while back about the dysfunctional relationship as the last time she disappeared off to see him she was gone for 3 weeks and came back in a dreadful state covered in cigarette burns and deep cuts but claimed to have had the best time ever and was blissfully happy, but had spent every last penny in her bank account (£500) and had been on the drink and drugs the whole time she was there.   Her therapist says that she believes she loves him and will only give him up when she feels she doesn't need him anymore and we have to try to remain compassionate as she is really not a very well lady.  He recommended we all (including her) watch this video which was really helpful www.youtube.com/watch?v=967Ckat7f98&feature=youtube_gdata_player - not sure if that will come out with my luck with posting but giving it a go anyway. 

[InaMinorRole]

There comes a point when we need to realize we can't fix another person. I don't know if you're at that point yet. This is what you need counseling about yourself. Just you.

Her son needs to be looked after by someone who is consistently there. It sounds like you're doing what you can. Any chance you could try to make that permanent?

It's horrible to watch someone you love make destructive choices and suffer from mental illness. We need to get clear in our minds what we can and what we cannot change. Then we must simply grieve and adjust to what we cannot change.

Regarding your reluctance to have a relationship with any of her boyfriends who are clearly a very bad influence (at best!), it is probably wise to meet them to know who they are, and to be civil, and perhaps to look a bit formidable.

[Worn out sister]

Thank you for your advice.  I know that I cannot fix her, that is the job for professionals and would be easier in some ways if she was a straight forward addict, where there was a more straight forward treatment process.  The problem is that she is fine for about 3 weeks and then there is some sort of major drama.  With her son who is 13yrs old now, we last took him in for nearly 4 mths but it was a massive disruption to my family, I have young children and not enough room to give everyone their own bedroom so ended up being very stressfull with the son having compleately diffrent needs and on a compleately diffrent schedule.  He also adores his mum and wants to be with her and says well she is fine at the moment there is no reason not to be at home with her.  I do understand that there will be a massive emotional toil to him in the long run and worry that he wants to be at home to look after his mum, but at the moment I can't get him to move in with me when he can't understand why he should leave and his mum wants him at home with her too.  However, while he is there with her, we as a family are left wating for the next incident, which we now know will happen sooner or later.  I know that I must focus on myself and my family and try not to let her and her illness dominate our lives and take each day as it comes and today is a good day and I am thankful that she is clean, sober and seems to be managing fine.

[forgottenarm]

Gosh, WOS, that had to be terribly upsetting to see your sister in that state.  I can completely understand your concern.  It looks like your post was move over to L5 (Healing from a Relationship with a Parent, Relative or Inlaw with BPD).  That's just the right place for you to meet other members in similar situations.  I hope you'll keep posting here and reading others' posts.  There's a lot of good information here and this situation can be improved.  If nothing else, you can arm yourself with knowledge that will help you know how to cope and react to your sister's behaviors.

All the best to you WornOutSister---I'm glad you're here.