New here

[kjjl]

Hi.  This is my first post.  To give a little history, growing up my mother was hospitalized for depression and suicidal tendencies.  She was abused as a child.  Growing up with a mother that was at times depressed, angry, controlling, mean, but also at times loving and nuturing was very confusing.  As a teen, I suffered from depression, suicide attempts along with drug and alcohol abuse.  My mother always seemed to reinforce that I was "just like her".  At times she was so supportive and fought for the best care for me, but as I became a healthy adult and overcoming my struggles, it has seemed like she wanted to keep me with her in the deepest, darkest place. Further into my adulthood I married a very supportive, loving man.  I also learned to take care of myself by telling my mother when her behavior was inappropriate.  She did not like this, which resulted in many arguments between us. I am now 40 years old, so there has been many years of up and down moments for our relationship.  I could never understand why my mother couldn't overcome her depression and still needed medication, but I did not.  Why couldn't she just get better?  I now realize that I was ignorant.  A few months ago my mother attempted suicide.  My husband and I found her unconcious. She left suicide notes. One was addressed specifically to my husband and I accusing us of terrible, untrue things.  It was so hurtful.  Through the process of hospitalization, we have learned that she has BPD.  It was an eyeopening experience.  So many things and behaviors of my mother suddenly made sense now.  

My husband and I are seeking therapy to help deal with the relationship, but additional support from others that have a BPD parent will be so helpful.  I am struggling with understanding the illness at the same time protecting myself from her behavior.  When my mother was in the hospital she didn't always want to talk to me or my husband. She would either be very loving or she would reject us. I was told my husband and I were "triggers" for her.  When she first got out of the hospital she seemed fine talking with me and I was feeling excited that things were on the right path.  Now she won't return my calls.   My husband and I have decided to have limited contact with her until she receives treatment.  She is going to some therapy, but has not entered a program specifically for BPD yet. I do feel some guilt for not calling her anymore.   My mom wants to keep contact with my son who just recently turned 18, which worries me.  I feel she manipulates him, and I worry that she is trying to put a wedge between me and my son.  My mom has always overstepped her boundaries with him and tried to be his parent.  I am grieving not having a mother and worrying about my son.

Thanks for reading my post

[catnap]

  kjjl

I am so glad you found us!  You have certainly found the right place for support and understanding.   

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

A couple of resources you might find helpful:

Video:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Book:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Please take care and keep posting. . .it does help.

catnap

[Being Mindful]

Hello!

I am glad you are here and so sorry to hear your struggles with your mom. You must feel really sad and scared. Having a family member with BPD can do that.

You mentioned the contact that your mom has with you son. Is your son aware of her diagnosis and history with you?

Looking forward to hearing from you. I hope you take a look at the links catnap provided. She recommended some really good ones.

Being Mindful

[kjjl]

Thank you for the responses.  My husband and I watched the video and it was so helpful.  I look forward to reading the book too.  We did tell my son what my mom's diagnosis is, and we have explained triangulation to him.  He is very protective of her and says that he is just going to act "normal" around her.  My mom invites him to come see her a lot, and my son says he feels guilty if he can't see her as much as he would like to because of his busy schedule.  My son does not know all the details of my childhood or what was written in the suicide notes.  There was a note to my son as well, but we have never told him that.  There was so much manipulation in the note, we didn't want him to see it. 

I will be posting on the parent, in law or relative board this morning as well.

Thank you again.