A month of serious NC, doing well but accidentally saw her again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After a month from a final breakup with my exBPDgf (6months together) due to lies and infidelity which i caught red-handed, and as usual no closure at all after I caught her... she just did a simple walk out the day itself I caught her leaving me all confused, hurt, and angry... after a month of pure dedication to save myself getting back with her and avoiding being recycled so that I could atleast save also my self worth... Accidentally crossed roads with her at a mall and it didnt feel good at all I thought I was healing and recovering well already but when we saw each other it was a 3 sec pause of shock as we stared at each other and I had the weirdest feeling I dont know if it was panic, hapiness or whatever anxiety which shocked my nerves... I also accidentally waved at her out of nowhere but she started to turn around and avoided me... So I was forced to walked away also as far as I can around the mall I saw her again and she just kept avoiding me as she crossed the street right away with a hurry like as if she doesnt know me... To be honest yes it was a very awkward moment seeing your xgf after a month knowing there was no closure and (NC) at all and knowing that she cheated on you with another guy but what I felt was mixed emotions of a little happy that I saw her that day knowing what a coincidence it was and I actually felt very sad and depressed that knowing the last person whom I loved the most has turned her back on me not even saying hi or even a simple wave can make my day which can bring both of us a peacekeeping closure just for that moment... or lets just say even a simple friendly smile can make me feel well that day so that I could at least feel that she gave the relationship worth despite everything we had together... but unfortunately she gave me a gesture and sign which broke my heart so badly that day that I feel that Im starting from scratch again with my healing and recovering process... Thats when i realized that i still felt something for her eventhough I thought I was healing and recovering well already... flashbacks and reminiscings are killing me now again... I knew i was not ready to see her again in person... Its such a heart aching moment that will leave you feeling hanging for the moment... It left me ruminating and analyzing everything all over again which sucks because I already overcame most of those stages and here I go again feeling miserable sad and depressed. My understanding why she did that is due to the shame of infidelity for what she did to me and it is clearly that I was painted very black already... very sad... wish I had never saw her again that day...

[Rye82]

After a month from a final breakup with my exBPDgf (6months together) due to lies and infidelity which i caught red-handed, and as usual no closure at all after I caught her... she just did a simple walk out the day itself I caught her leaving me all confused, hurt, and angry... after a month of pure dedication to save myself getting back with her and avoiding being recycled so that I could atleast save also my self worth... Accidentally crossed roads with her at a mall and it didnt feel good at all I thought I was healing and recovering well already but when we saw each other it was a 3 sec pause of shock as we stared at each other and I had the weirdest feeling I dont know if it was panic, hapiness or whatever anxiety which shocked my nerves... I also accidentally waved at her out of nowhere but she started to turn around and avoided me... So I was forced to walked away also as far as I can around the mall I saw her again and she just kept avoiding me as she crossed the street right away with a hurry like as if she doesnt know me... To be honest yes it was a very awkward moment seeing your xgf after a month knowing there was no closure and (NC) at all and knowing that she cheated on you with another guy but what I felt was mixed emotions of a little happy that I saw her that day knowing what a coincidence it was and I actually felt very sad and depressed that knowing the last person whom I loved the most has turned her back on me not even saying hi or even a simple wave can make my day which can bring both of us a peacekeeping closure just for that moment... or lets just say even a simple friendly smile can make me feel well that day so that I could at least feel that she gave the relationship worth despite everything we had together... but unfortunately she gave me a gesture and sign which broke my heart so badly that day that I feel that Im starting from scratch again with my healing and recovering process... Thats when i realized that i still felt something for her eventhough I thought I was healing and recovering well already... flashbacks and reminiscings are killing me now again... I knew i was not ready to see her again in person... Its such a heart aching moment that will leave you feeling hanging for the moment... It left me ruminating and analyzing everything all over again which sucks because I already overcame most of those stages and here I go again feeling miserable sad and depressed. My understanding why she did that is due to the shame of infidelity for what she did to me and it is clearly that I was painted very black already... very sad... wish I had never saw her again that day...

[mango_flower]

It does feel like one step forward, two steps back... .  

The difficult thing about NC is that if you don't even think about it in that time, and force yourself to block it all out, you haven't actually dealt with it... .  gosh it's difficult.

I wish I had some answers.

I am quite lucky in that my ex ran away to live in a new town hours away... .  

But she came back to have a hospital appointment (not for mental health, sadly!) and asked to meet up to get her post (mail) at lunch, so I did that (this was when we were still trying to be friends and she hadn't painted me black at that point). 

The strangest thing was looking at her and seeing a stranger, yet so familiar at the same time.  Somebody I knew inside out, as well as myself, yet didn't know at all.

It made me feel all creeped out inside.  And very unsafe.

So yeah - it's a real yucky feeling when you bump into them... .  it's sad, anxiety provoking, heart-breaking, gut wrenching, anger-inducing, and overall, just really confusing! 

Hopefully you won't bump into her any time again soon... .  just keep going, this is a minor and temporary set back.

Hope today is a good day! x

[HarmKrakow]

Stupid isn't it? You thought you were getting progress and you literally start over again. Zero, after such good work and maybe even nights where you didn't think about her!

Also, that you as a person, can share live and lust together, and then cheat, get confronted and then never to be heard of again, no contact no nothing. I mean, the mental mind games we humans sometimes play (and let ourselves get ___ed over with) is incredible.

[Rye82]

mango_flower

Thanks, for being able to relate. Yeah its actually pretending that you have dealt with it already but in reality you really havent coz there was no closure at all for short unfinished business. Its just a matter of dealing with it in a different manner because we really cant expect for a peaceful seperation from our exBPD due to there illness.

Actually being friends with an exBPD partner is not a good idea at all trust me... I tried it before and as usual I got recycled because every time you spend time with them knowing you had feelings for the person you just end up getting developed again thats why NC is the best policy to detach. Even returning stuffs to them isnt a good idea as well...

I do really hope I dont bump into her at all while im still dealing with my recovery and healing. It just messes up my determination... I hate the feeling that day I saw her... At first it was like I wanted to smile because I saw her but when she avoided me and acted as if she was running away from me just broke my heart and gave me the angry feeling coz i know she is seeing someone new and I am painted black.

Thanks again! Cheers

harmkrakow

Yes I know, Its like back to scratch... I was already learning not to think about her and I was having healthy sleeping habits already and now here we go again... damn!

All I can say is BPD is such an heartbreaking and disorder when it comes to relationships...

I am speechless with the emotional damage it has left me, all I could do is just pray for my own spiritual healing.


Thanks harmkrakow

[tut-uncommon]

Same here . . 

I will probably see mine at work. The last time did feel creepy too. She already shed the persona that she wore for me and was maybe morphing into someone else's? . . It felt like talking to a stranger now that "the game" is up.

I think I will start a new thread?   It seems like we keep mentally beating ourselves up with memories of good times and fantasies of reunion/restoration. When I do this, I feel worse. The trauma is new again.

[Rye82]

tut-uncommon

Yeah its a total beating seeing them as a different person, not someone whom we spent som much good memories with... it really sucks...

[Wimowe]

I saw mine a few weeks ago at an event she would normally attend except that I knew she was working.  It was a shock when she appeared: she'd left work early! We acknowledged each other then ran in opposite directions.  When I got back home I saw that I had inadvertently put on mismatched shoes! It was very painful but I can't say it erased my healing and recovery since going nc with her two months before.

I'd been getting careless about avoiding her, believing I could cope with encountering her (which will be inevitable sooner or later).  I was getting ahead of myself (one of my character flaws) and have to respect that I'm still fragile. It was humbling in a good sense.

[Clearmind]

Rye82, seeing them can be hard. What it does help with is detaching - believe it or not. Its not the no contact that helps to detach its the way we process it.

Contact, tests where we are in the process - you are not going backwards in your healing - you are in fact learning more about you. Your reaction to this is more telling than the contact you actually had. You may not see that yet.

Avoidance does not help with detaching. By avoiding we tend to avoid our emotions and feelings at the same time Pain leads to growth.

I never went NC on my ex. However each time I did see him - I processed it that little bit better until it didn't bother me anymore. So many times I have seen members come back after 12 - 18 months of no contact and post about how hard it was to see their ex - why?

Process your pain, move towards it Rye not away from it.

I understand the emotions you are feeling - I have been there - What are you holding onto? Hope? Self Blame? Loneliness?