Undiagnosed BPD DIL (Long)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I will try to be concise, but this is a long chain of events that we (wife of 29 years and I) only recently began to understand.

Our 26 year old son (active military)met the "love of his life" on 5/20/2011. We met her during our summertime visits to the city where his unit is based. She was lovely, well spoken and obviously smitten with affection for our son.  Our best friends also met her when attending a conference in the city where he is based. Our trusted friends also gave her a "thumbs up" and we were very pleased that our son was entering a new era in his life.

Labor Day weekend of 2011, they came and spent the weekend with us. All was well, we liked her very much and I personally told her that she was "A-OK" with us. Our son told me that he thought "she might be the one". I told him that since she was a few year's older than he that he should "strike while the iron is hot". A ring and date, a long engagement to allow him to get to know her better was my fatherly advice.

Our son sent us an email post visit that thanked us for all the hospitality an love during the visit.

Her background that we now know:she does not know who her biological father is, raised in a same sex female household for a period of time, abandoned at some point by her birth mother and raised by her grandparents. This was during the time when same sex relationships were not broadly accepted as they are today.

Now things start to move quickly, engagement commences in October of 2011. Future DIL believes that her landlord is selling the house where she rents a room. Our son is ready for a scheduled 2 month stateside deployment where he will be away from the area where they both reside. Future DIL tells our son that she must move back to her hometown and move in with her mother as her current situation is too stressful.

In December, she legally becomes our DIL in order to situate her in Married Housing on base while he is away on his assignment. Our son tells us that this is not his preference, but he cannot take a chance on losing her.

Another wedding ceremony is planned for September 2012 for friends and family in her hometown area. All is well and peaceful.

Our son visits us for Christmas 2011 after the civil union and we start discussing the formal wedding. He asks if we can go beyond the normal and customary rehearsal dinner and also pay for the DJ at the wedding reception. We agree and call the DIL to tell her what we have agreed upon. She seems happy and grateful.

Spring comes and goes and we have regular contact with our son and minimal contact with the DIL. We do collaborate on a birthday gift with our DIL for his birthday.

Wedding is scheduled for September. We travel to visit them in their new home in late June and figure that the rehearsal dinner plans and other specifics will be planned and agreed upon during our week-long visit.

Upon arrival we are told how stressful the wedding planning is. There seems to be no excitement by the DIL. My wife finally asked, "Aren't you excited about the wedding?"

DIL is pouty and impolite for the next 2 days. We do not give it much mind, but our son finally broaches the subject, "You guys can tell she is not happy, right?. He shows us a text that he had received that am, "It is not that I hate your parents, I dislike them because of the way they have treated me". Our son tells my wife that DIL was "very offended by the questioning of her excitement about the wedding."

We want to have a discussion with DIL to resolve these issues before they fester. Our son tells us that he does not advise it "because she wants war!" And war it was. She raged at us for 90 minutes and most times appeared to be talking to someone else. After all, we had not really spent much time with her and were just getting to know her. Her rage all centered on how I make her feel ("horrible, you always made me feel horrible".

We left their home and cut our visit short as her behavior appeared to us to be a type of breakdown and was something we had no experience with.

Our son was very apologetic, called us daily for the balance of the week.

I read a book titled "Put it Down (Forgive so you can be Forgiven) and we decided to attend their wedding due to the fact that if we did not attend, our son would have no one other than his best man and one groomsman attend. His side of the chapel would have been empty. We brought friends, aunts, cousins with spouses etc. It was definitely an olive branch.

We gave them generous wedding gifts and I danced with the bride at the reception. She had been passively rude up to that point (not introducing us to her family etc.), so I told her during the dance, "we just want to wipe the slate clean so we can move forward as a family, can you do that?" She said yes.

In October we received the phone call that we were going to be grandparents. My wife reached out to her by telephone and text to congratulate her. There was no response.

We questioned our son about why she did not respond to her MIL. His response was that she was just being stubborn.

At Christmas we sent a Christmas box with gifts for her, him and them. They went to her grandparents for Thankgiving and Christmas. No gifts were received from them, but we got a very nice card from our son.

After the New Year we provided our son with a ticket for him to visit for a few days. He told us that he wanted to discuss the "heartbreaking" situation with his wife. Bottom Line-DIL wants an apology from me . As our son has been with us virtually all of the time we have spent with our DIL, I asked him what the apology should be for. He did not have and answer but we all agreed that to ask what the apology for would not be beneficial.

My wife and I went to a family therapist/psychologist and told our story. She introduced us to BPD based upon the contingency that as long as what we told her was factual, it was a distinct possibility.

We love our son dearly, I decided the best olive branch I could offer was a heartfelt letter.

The letter is as follows:

I know I am not your favorite person, but believe me most of us do not put our in-laws in our favorite persons list. And that is OK!

I meant what I said when we had our brief dance at the wedding reception, I only want to wipe the slate clean and go forward as a family.

I want to cut to the chase and just let you know that any slighting or insult to you from me was definitely not intentional, nor was I aware that an insult was made. If my person (i.e. who I am) offended you, please accept my apology. But realize I cannot change who I am.

I meant what I said that night, all who asked what we thought of you only had one heartfelt response, "we think she is terrific:"

Life is tough many times, we don't as people always know how to handle all that confronts us.

Speaking for me, I just want you to know that there is nothing from  my side that cannot be overcome. In fact, it is all ancient history as far as I am concerned. We want to move forward and look forward to being grandparents and having a relationship with you.

(Son's name) is so excited about his new MOS and being a Dad, we just want to share in your new family's joy.

Can we be friends or at least folks that can spend some time together?

We would like that very much!

End of letter.

One week later they called us, I was informed by my son that in his opinion the letter was condescending/ selfish and as if it was addressed to an adolescent by a life coach.

DIL then started her rage. "I don't like you!, I don't like you" in a wailing voice is how she started. She informed me that during the Labor Day 2011 visit she could have "taken my face off". The F-bombs were flying. The repeated cries of " I was never good enough" and it is no longer about you dude (me). It is about me (DIL). Another 90 minutes where we tried to reason and of course made no progress.

Our son re-iterated that they are a team and soon to be a team of 3. She repeated that actions have consequences implying that unless I comply with her request for a better apology, we will not meet our grandson.

I had a solo session with the psychologist subsequent to the rage. She has advised that NC is mandatory with the DIL and the grandson who is expected in June.

Our son has not contacted us for the last 5 weeks since the call. Previously we had weekly calls at a minimum. Prior to our visit in late June, the calls were 2-3 times per week. We were very close.

They are going to be relocated by the military shortly after the baby is born. The psychologist is concerned about post birth depression and possible psychosis.

Should I advise my son of the seriousness of this situation, or cross my fingers and let the chips fall where they may.

While we are very sad about the situation, we do recognize that there is nothing that we can do... .  but maybe there is something that he can do with some good guidance that will make the situation better for himself and his son.

Sorry for the length, but this is the place where I think I can get some good input and assistance.

[NeedAdvice]

I will try to be concise, but this is a long chain of events that we (wife of 29 years and I) only recently began to understand.

Our 26 year old son (active military)met the "love of his life" on 5/20/2011. We met her during our summertime visits to the city where his unit is based. She was lovely, well spoken and obviously smitten with affection for our son.  Our best friends also met her when attending a conference in the city where he is based. Our trusted friends also gave her a "thumbs up" and we were very pleased that our son was entering a new era in his life.

Labor Day weekend of 2011, they came and spent the weekend with us. All was well, we liked her very much and I personally told her that she was "A-OK" with us. Our son told me that he thought "she might be the one". I told him that since she was a few year's older than he that he should "strike while the iron is hot". A ring and date, a long engagement to allow him to get to know her better was my fatherly advice.

Our son sent us an email post visit that thanked us for all the hospitality an love during the visit.

Her background that we now know:she does not know who her biological father is, raised in a same sex female household for a period of time, abandoned at some point by her birth mother and raised by her grandparents. This was during the time when same sex relationships were not broadly accepted as they are today.

Now things start to move quickly, engagement commences in October of 2011. Future DIL believes that her landlord is selling the house where she rents a room. Our son is ready for a scheduled 2 month stateside deployment where he will be away from the area where they both reside. Future DIL tells our son that she must move back to her hometown and move in with her mother as her current situation is too stressful.

In December, she legally becomes our DIL in order to situate her in Married Housing on base while he is away on his assignment. Our son tells us that this is not his preference, but he cannot take a chance on losing her.

Another wedding ceremony is planned for September 2012 for friends and family in her hometown area. All is well and peaceful.

Our son visits us for Christmas 2011 after the civil union and we start discussing the formal wedding. He asks if we can go beyond the normal and customary rehearsal dinner and also pay for the DJ at the wedding reception. We agree and call the DIL to tell her what we have agreed upon. She seems happy and grateful.

Spring comes and goes and we have regular contact with our son and minimal contact with the DIL. We do collaborate on a birthday gift with our DIL for his birthday.

Wedding is scheduled for September. We travel to visit them in their new home in late June and figure that the rehearsal dinner plans and other specifics will be planned and agreed upon during our week-long visit.

Upon arrival we are told how stressful the wedding planning is. There seems to be no excitement by the DIL. My wife finally asked, "Aren't you excited about the wedding?"

DIL is pouty and impolite for the next 2 days. We do not give it much mind, but our son finally broaches the subject, "You guys can tell she is not happy, right?. He shows us a text that he had received that am, "It is not that I hate your parents, I dislike them because of the way they have treated me". Our son tells my wife that DIL was "very offended by the questioning of her excitement about the wedding."

We want to have a discussion with DIL to resolve these issues before they fester. Our son tells us that he does not advise it "because she wants war!" And war it was. She raged at us for 90 minutes and most times appeared to be talking to someone else. After all, we had not really spent much time with her and were just getting to know her. Her rage all centered on how I make her feel ("horrible, you always made me feel horrible".

We left their home and cut our visit short as her behavior appeared to us to be a type of breakdown and was something we had no experience with.

Our son was very apologetic, called us daily for the balance of the week.

I read a book titled "Put it Down (Forgive so you can be Forgiven) and we decided to attend their wedding due to the fact that if we did not attend, our son would have no one other than his best man and one groomsman attend. His side of the chapel would have been empty. We brought friends, aunts, cousins with spouses etc. It was definitely an olive branch.

We gave them generous wedding gifts and I danced with the bride at the reception. She had been passively rude up to that point (not introducing us to her family etc.), so I told her during the dance, "we just want to wipe the slate clean so we can move forward as a family, can you do that?" She said yes.

In October we received the phone call that we were going to be grandparents. My wife reached out to her by telephone and text to congratulate her. There was no response.

We questioned our son about why she did not respond to her MIL. His response was that she was just being stubborn.

At Christmas we sent a Christmas box with gifts for her, him and them. They went to her grandparents for Thankgiving and Christmas. No gifts were received from them, but we got a very nice card from our son.

After the New Year we provided our son with a ticket for him to visit for a few days. He told us that he wanted to discuss the "heartbreaking" situation with his wife. Bottom Line-DIL wants an apology from me . As our son has been with us virtually all of the time we have spent with our DIL, I asked him what the apology should be for. He did not have and answer but we all agreed that to ask what the apology for would not be beneficial.

My wife and I went to a family therapist/psychologist and told our story. She introduced us to BPD based upon the contingency that as long as what we told her was factual, it was a distinct possibility.

We love our son dearly, I decided the best olive branch I could offer was a heartfelt letter.

The letter is as follows:

I know I am not your favorite person, but believe me most of us do not put our in-laws in our favorite persons list. And that is OK!

I meant what I said when we had our brief dance at the wedding reception, I only want to wipe the slate clean and go forward as a family.

I want to cut to the chase and just let you know that any slighting or insult to you from me was definitely not intentional, nor was I aware that an insult was made. If my person (i.e. who I am) offended you, please accept my apology. But realize I cannot change who I am.

I meant what I said that night, all who asked what we thought of you only had one heartfelt response, "we think she is terrific:"

Life is tough many times, we don't as people always know how to handle all that confronts us.

Speaking for me, I just want you to know that there is nothing from  my side that cannot be overcome. In fact, it is all ancient history as far as I am concerned. We want to move forward and look forward to being grandparents and having a relationship with you.

(Son's name) is so excited about his new MOS and being a Dad, we just want to share in your new family's joy.

Can we be friends or at least folks that can spend some time together?

We would like that very much!

End of letter.

One week later they called us, I was informed by my son that in his opinion the letter was condescending/ selfish and as if it was addressed to an adolescent by a life coach.

DIL then started her rage. "I don't like you!, I don't like you" in a wailing voice is how she started. She informed me that during the Labor Day 2011 visit she could have "taken my face off". The F-bombs were flying. The repeated cries of " I was never good enough" and it is no longer about you dude (me). It is about me (DIL). Another 90 minutes where we tried to reason and of course made no progress.

Our son re-iterated that they are a team and soon to be a team of 3. She repeated that actions have consequences implying that unless I comply with her request for a better apology, we will not meet our grandson.

I had a solo session with the psychologist subsequent to the rage. She has advised that NC is mandatory with the DIL and the grandson who is expected in June.

Our son has not contacted us for the last 5 weeks since the call. Previously we had weekly calls at a minimum. Prior to our visit in late June, the calls were 2-3 times per week. We were very close.

They are going to be relocated by the military shortly after the baby is born. The psychologist is concerned about post birth depression and possible psychosis.

Should I advise my son of the seriousness of this situation, or cross my fingers and let the chips fall where they may.

While we are very sad about the situation, we do recognize that there is nothing that we can do... .  but maybe there is something that he can do with some good guidance that will make the situation better for himself and his son.

Sorry for the length, but this is the place where I think I can get some good input and assistance.

[CBoo]

 

I am sorry to hear about this. 

It's really difficult to know what to do.  Your son is probably trying to keep the situation from errupting - he may not even be aware that he is taking this role - it took my Mum 17 years to figure it out! 

Perhaps write to him to express your support, and let them get in touch with you when they're ready?  Hard, but takes the pressure off him - I suspect he'll be feeling very conflicted.

If you disclose the BPD at this stage, the same (or similar) will be levelled back at your I suspect.  Especially if BPD is the case.