I feel frightened

[lipsticklibrarian]

My mother has been on the verge of a nervous break down now for about two years, then a few days ago she told me she had a job promotion, she's going to become the principal of a school!

I feel very relieved on the one hand that she is contented and I don't have to worry about her mental condition, on the other hand I've been feeling deeply deeply frightened and I don't know what to do.

In a way this has kind of reaffirmed her behaviour, that she is in a successful, powerful position with more money. She is literally grooming my sister to be a little version of her and well... .  I'm getting sort of pushed out of the family.

I know that in a normal situation this would be a good thing because it means a more comfortable way of life for everybody but... .  it's kind of warped. Someone who half of the time doesn't like me and considers me to be her enemy just got a whole lot more authority and power and I'm frightened.

I've been having these visions of what's going to happen to me as a middle aged woman, that my mum will not offer me any kind of support even though she has so much she'll probably leave it all to my sister and literally leave me for dead. I feel so worried like my fate is sealed and I'm doomed to be the person in the family who ends up with nothing. I don't know what to do, my life is good now, I'm making money, I have a good job but in terms of my future, most people's parents are investing in making their children's lives more comfortable and I think my mum just got a crap load more money to invest in making my life unpleasant... .  

[lipsticklibrarian]

... .  

[Rose Tiger]

Hey L3 

Are these fears from years ago when you were a kidlet and didn't have choices about most stuff?  Sometimes old fears can get mixed up with present day dilemmas and overwhelm us.  You are much more capable now of making your own decisions and taking care of yourself.  You are bright, resourceful, kind, it takes a strong person survive toxic parenting.    Give yourself some credit and a pat on the back.  Many many people do just fine in the adult years with no other financial support.  Those kind of fears, well, focus on today, roof/clothing/enough food?  Then all is well.  Today has enough worries of it's own, leave tomorrow's worries on the shelf because everything could turn out just fine and it would be wasted effort.  You are doing great with accomplishments, school, working, you are doing it.  Good  job you.

[GeekyGirl]

Someone who half of the time doesn't like me and considers me to be her enemy just got a whole lot more authority and power and I'm frightened.

Are you frightened that because of this additional money that your mother will have additional power over you or are you worried that the additional responsibility and power will make her more unstable and unpredictable?

Rose Tiger made a good point. You are strong--you were able to move out, start a career, and take care of yourself. That's something you've worked for, and something that will help you down the road whatever happens. Things change, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, so no matter what your mother decides to do with her money, you'll be ok.

[lipsticklibrarian]

Thank you for your support, it's really not fair that people like her get rewarded when they spend their whole lives growing stronger by weakening those around them. I am feeling a bit more confident that I'm no longer part of the sphere of people that she is abusing and I'm completely financially independant which is a wonderful feeling.

When I graduated I made the mistake of trusting my mother and moving back in with her, I just have to learn my lesson and realize that when I have weak moments in my life I have to rely on the support of good people like my friends or my boyfriend or relatives that really care about me.

thanks for your help guys, I think I'm going to be alright

[GeekyGirl]

Thank you for your support, it's really not fair that people like her get rewarded when they spend their whole lives growing stronger by weakening those around them. I am feeling a bit more confident that I'm no longer part of the sphere of people that she is abusing and I'm completely financially independant which is a wonderful feeling.

I've felt the same way. My brother is the golden child, and has been for as long as I can remember. I've been frustrated that it appears that he's rewarded for his obedience. My T told me that my brother has paid a higher price, though, for that reward, than I could have imagined. At first I didn't believe it; how could it be better to be the one who receives the silent treatment and rages?

Then it hit me about 6 months ago... .  to stay in my mother's favor, he has had to carefully build a life that pleases her, while putting his own wants and desires aside. I don't think he's unhappy, but I can see now that he hasn't made many decisions for himself, and I can't help but wonder if he's making some big sacrifices to appease my parents. He works for the same company my father does (and didn't interview anywhere else), he married a woman who works in the same field as my mother (and has many of her traits), and drives the same car that my parents do. He might very well have made these choices on his own, but I suspect that he's made a lot of them with the (perhaps subliminal) intent of pleasing my parents.

While all this is going on, I've forged a life separate from my parents, and whatever choices I make are my own. I've made some mistakes and had successes, but what's cool is that I can honestly say that I have had the freedom to do what's best for me (and now my DH and DS).

What I'm saying is that it may appear on the surface that others are handsomely rewarded for their obedience, that reward comes at a high price. It may not seem fair on some levels, but by being independent, your potential for happiness overall is much greater.