I thank God my BPD Wife had a breakthrough

[Depression = 72% of members]

I want to thank the board for helping me keep on balance.

I want to thank God for healing my wife.

After two days of praying, fasting and reading the bible my wife realized she had what she described as a "dead puppet" living inside of her.

She would go into dead puppet mode in order to escape her feelings and was able to function in life but had no feelings. For the first time last night she was able to express her feelings and not attack me. This allowed us to discuss the situation in which the conflict arose without damaging our relationship.

I believe God has healed her.

Joe

[Joseph54]

I want to thank the board for helping me keep on balance.

I want to thank God for healing my wife.

After two days of praying, fasting and reading the bible my wife realized she had what she described as a "dead puppet" living inside of her.

She would go into dead puppet mode in order to escape her feelings and was able to function in life but had no feelings. For the first time last night she was able to express her feelings and not attack me. This allowed us to discuss the situation in which the conflict arose without damaging our relationship.

I believe God has healed her.

Joe

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Great to hear that your wife can express her feelings without attacking you, Joe!  It's a great first step, and hopefully she will get used to expressing herself more and know that it's a good way to communicate. 

Keep using the tools you learnt on here at the same time 

[Joseph54]

Hi Chosen,

This being the first step, what do you think is the second step?

Joe

[Grey Kitty]

Well... .  sadly, those sort of realizations don't always "stick." And sometimes starting to understand your own behavior is a step short of being able to change it.

So second steps would be your wife actively working on her own issues.

I don't know your situation, or how open she is to these sort of exercises... .  but you might find "The High Conflict Couple" useful to work through together. It doesn't actually talk about BPD, although it does refer to DBT some.

[waverider]

These insightful moments often are not a permanent change,. I have heard that it can help if the person writes their thoughts down, this can often help them to "own" those thoughts longer and make revisiting them easier.

Otherwise the defense mechanism of denial can kick in too easily, and you are back where you started.

With all steps it is often better to concentrate on consolidating what you achieve before trying to rush onto what you think is the next step. Try to make open discussion of these issues the normal, while trying to fend off the big denial mode which always wants to creep back in.

[Joseph54]

Hi Grey Kitty & Waverider,

Thanks for your concern.

My wife and I are both doing fine and my son who was tramatized by our fights opened up last night and is now healing also. Next is her daughter.

I give thanks to God for this also!

Joe

[waverider]

Hi Grey Kitty & Waverider,

Thanks for your concern.

My wife and I are both doing fine and my son who was tramatized by our fights opened up last night and is now healing also. Next is her daughter.

I give thanks to God for this also!

Joe

Does your wife truey understand the impact of her behavior on your son? That can be a good grounding point. Also your own difficulties in dealing with the conflict, and its effect on your son, how has that changed the way you react? If you can both get on the same side to help your son, that will give a common bond and goal to aim for.

enjoy the stability and make a big show of how life is better for everyone, but make sure there is no blaming, only acceptance

[Joseph54]

Hi Waverider,

No offence, but I find your questions confusing, demeaning and judgemental.

Why do you come on this board?

I have spoken to my wife throughtout our entire relationship about how the impact of her behavior is affecting our relationship as well as our children and my office staff. I have done this in a loving manner.

I use boundaries to keep my life with her on balance and she enjoys it.

We are very blessed financially(we have a bunch of money). We own 2 homes which are 45 minutes from each other. We also have another home on the water on the other side of the country. It is quite easy for us to give each other space. We do this weekly for as long as we need to.

I do not need to make a "big show" I know who I am.

I thought that the purpose of this board was to help one another.

You are not helping me.

Let it go.

Do you truly understand?

Joe

[waverider]

Hi Waverider,

No offence, but I find your questions confusing, demeaning and judgemental.

Im sorry if you found the questions confusing. They are not meant to be demeaning or judgmental.

Not accusing your wife of anything just trying to get a handle on the depths of her understanding of the dynamics this disorder has had on others. Some are very insightful and others are not so, so we dont assume anything while trying to offer advice.

When I say "big show" I dont mean you show off, merely that your wife sees the obvious benefits to all that her new awareness brings, and working together to consolidate this.

Giving space does not mean physical separation, but respect for mind space within the relationship so you grow together as individuals.

It is a big step you have achieved. I am at much the same point myself and trying to help my partner develop her own sense of self rather than just leaning on me to hold her up. I am conscious of my partner trying to replace the dysfunction by slipping back into the idealization phase that was part of the start of the RS.

So the challange is how to build on this in a positive way

[Chosen]

Hi Joe,

I know you are very hapy that your wife has a realisation about her behaviours in the past and is willing to open up to you.  I'm happy for you too, and I see it as a breakthrough.  At the same time, members here have given some realistic comments (perhaps from their own experiences) and I think it's also possible- that this realisation may not be a constant.  Either because her realisation wasn't "real", or sometimes she may still slip because she is used to not expressing herself.  It happens to anybody- even us.  We do forget things we learn 

This is why I say it is a good first step.  The second step is how to help her in keeping up with this.  It may be too naive to think that just because she can do it once she will always be able to do it naturally- after all, there had been times when you had reminded her, no matter loving, that her way of expressing herself was not ok and she didn't change then, right?

If you had been using the tools here, the second step is to continue to use them, to help her establish the right communication pattern.  I think this step is more crucial than the first.  If she had a realisation and was able to communicate right for one time only but slip back into her past practises, this will hardly be of any use, right?  You mentioned that you have 2 homes, you can easily give each other space... .  but I'm guessing you don't think this is the most ideal way to live, or else you wouldn't be so happy she finally can express herself without attacking.  So in order to help her continue that, you will have to continue with your newly-establish communication pattern as well- continue to set boundaries when needed, continue to validate and so on.

[Grey Kitty]

If you had been using the tools here, the second step is to continue to use them, to help her establish the right communication pattern.  I think this step is more crucial than the first.

I agree, and I would also like to say that the tools I've learned here are serving me very well, even after my wife does seem to be cured of her BPD. When I'm dealing with healthy people, I find that I don't need the tools quite as often, and that they are often easier to apply. But they still work very well for me. The reminders to work on it are part of why I'm still here in this forum.

[Joseph54]

Hi waverider,

I get it. I can understand that it is difficult for a lot of people as it is for me also.

The issues my wife and I have, as well as the method in which we deal with them is unique. Everyone has a uniqueness about them, we are all special in our own way.

I do not have much time at the moment but I do respect the way you responded and will take the time in the next little while to respond more completely.

Joe

[Joseph54]

Hi Everyone,

My wife and I are both born again Christians.

Her fasting, prayer,and reading of the bible, produced a catharsis or special healing.

It released within her, a place in her subconcious that she used to hide in, so she could escape reality. She was hurt in the past and her subconcious mind created a place of safety which she no longer needs.

She does not hide anymore.

I know it works because I have experienced a number of these catharsis or special healings in the past which have cleared out things in my subconcious never to return again and they have all been due to my faith in Christ, prayer and bible reading. The only thing she did more than I did is to fast. We both focus on what is good, but we are not perfect as no one is except for Christ. We fail but get back up again and ask forgiveness and then refocus on Christ and the bible which teaches us to do good above all things.

She now focuses on Christ when she gets confused and returns to prayer and bible reading to regain her peace.

She now is open and willing to engage in proper communication methods. She was not able to do this before her special healing as I tried so many times before but she would only hide within herself.

We are practicing rules that we both set up that allow expression of our own feelings without blaming each other. Emotional events are just things that happen in life no one is to blame.

How we allow space for each other works very well for us, this all based on our lifestyle and our ablity to provide that, it is normal for us. We both enjoy it. This is healthy for us, so you must do what works for you.

She has been in the process for the past number of months of opening up her own business to give her joy, satisfaction and reach her own potential which she is excited about and she has her own financial means to do so, even if it fails. I fully support her in this endeavor.

Just because you may not understand or believe what I say is true, it does not make it a lie or an exaggeration. I can see there are skeptics amongst us.

I am just sharing my experiences so that we can help each other not harm one another.

Joe

[lbjnltx]

Hello Joe

What a wonderful blessing you and your wife have received.  The hidden feelings of shame that thrive in the darkness lose their power when exposed to The Light of The World. 

It is good that your wife has goals and the enthusiasm to work towards them.  I hope and pray she achieves them and finds happiness through her endeavers.  I know from experience that happiness is situational and therefore fleeting at times. It is often out of our control.   JOY comes from our relationship with Christ and is therefore within our control because He never leaves us nor foresakes us.  It is up to us to keep that relationship strong and constant.

God bless and keep you both.



lbjnltx

[Joseph54]

Hi Ibjnltx,

Yes it is a wonderful blessing.

There is a time and place for all things in life. Nothing last forever.

I believe as you do, as long as my wife stays focused on our comon belief in Christ she will be given the power to stay on course and not fall back into her old patterns.

The amazing thing that I have found is that the old pattern of her emotions firing off repeatedly have vanished. She is now able to deal with her emotions in a rational manner which allows me the ability to reason with her and resolve conflict between us that was impossible in the past.

Thank you for you words of encouragement.

Joe

[dmiller]

Hello Joseph54,

How interesting to see your posting today that involved a spiritual aspect to this. I am new to this site and am very careful (as we should be) as to what goes in my mind. I am a very spiritual person and know that God is the answer to all things. I also realize that there are reasons and purposes for everything so sometimes we endure things in our life for our growth and NOT just us but those around us. We are to stay focused upon HIS will in our lives and NOT what others think or suggest. I have found the information on here very helpful for communication and various ways of handling situations. And of course, I am just learning alot. But also theres a place where if we aren't careful dealing with someone who has BPD can become drama and we just slip into that. With that said, I know that God let me see your posting today because I feel I needed to see that someone else knows that its possible for God to do awesome things in our partners. We are devoted followers of Christ. My spouse gets peace so many times through just seeking Christ and His Word! We wouldn't still be together if it weren't for our spiritual beliefs. It's awesome that you guys have seen a breakthrough. Keep standing upon the healing and knowing that Christ is doing great works in your lives. God can heal Mental Illness just like he can anything else. It's in His timeing, not ours and there's reasons that we may never understand. We are His vessels! All we can do is continue to have faith in Him and let His light shine in us and through us! Our true purpose here is to share His love. Thank you for your posting. Hope!

[Joseph54]

Hi dmiller,

I agree with you whole heartedly. God always has purpose in all he does.

I married my 2nd wife who was similar in personality traits to my mother. My mother is now deceased.

40 years ago I did something which hurt her feelings and she could not forgive me but rather chose to humiliate me, any oppurtunity she had. I was never able to reconcile with her. This caused an emptiness within me that I could never heal from.

I became the black sheep in our family and due to mothers influence my siblings did not have any respect for me and also treated me poorly.

After my mothers death when my brother and sister had a falling out my sister was open to what I had to say.

Just two weeks ago after 11 months of talking my sister allowed me to fully explain to her my experience with my mother. This took all the emptiness away and I became free again for the first time in 40 years.

A week later my wife was delivered. It was all in God's time.

Joe

[dmiller]

Joseph54,   That's awesome. It's hard to just have faith and trust in Him and know that even though we are dealing with this, there's a reason. Of course, everyone deserves to be loved. It's just a matter of whether we choose to love from afar or upclose. Of course, upclose involves us and we have to be strong in Him to do what is right especially with a BPD person. God has shown me over and over again that He is doing awesome works in us and through us with this situation. My husband is strong spiritually and it seems to make a huge difference in a lot of areas. Of course, we are working through this. We just come to truly know what he has. He is very receptive and just glad that he actually sees there is something that explains how he feels. So we are going to stand strong in Christ and know that we are in this journey for a reason. And we know without a shadow of a doubt, Christ can heal him, but that's in His timing not ours. 

[Joseph54]

Hi dmiller,

Luke 11:9 Ask, Seek and Knock

This is what my wife did and she was healed. This is what I have done for 35 years, which started in October of 1978 when I gave my life to Christ.

God has a plan for all of us. It is through the difficulties in our lives that we grow and learn to rely on Him and not ourselves. To follow His will and not ours. That is when the wonder and power He has, is truly revealed in us.

Proverbs 3:5-8 (each statement is a step)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him.

And He will direct your paths.

Do not be impressed with your own wisdom.

Respect the Lord and turn away from evil.

Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.

May God Bless You

Joe  

[dmiller]

Thank you. Very encouraging. Good luck and many blessings to you too. 

[Joseph54]

Your Welcome.

[Joseph54]

Your so welcome.

It is amazing what God can do!

God Bless You!

Joe