Anyone stuck on the Depression/Acceptance fence?

[Cimbaruns]

Hi all

I seem to be teetering on the fence today... .  somewhere between The depression and acceptance phase of this detachment from my relationship with my exBPDso.

I felt like I had crossed over and made significant progress toward acceptance... .  maybe half way even, or so it seemed.

I know the depression is mostly due to the absolute realization that this r/s has long been over.

I'm just feeling somewhat impatient today I guess... .  expecting that I shouldn't feel so depressed over something that I clearly see needed to end!

Anyone else have feelings such as this?

I know that I clearly cannot be in this r/s with this woman that I married 2 years ago... .  and totally get that there is absolutely no desire to return to any of that life that we once shared... .  so why can't I move through this grieving stage without being so "stuck"

It is truly different than grieving someone that has passed... I feel that... .  but I've also since lost 2 family members and a dear friends father(who was like a dad to me through a lot of my childhood)... .  and one of my two pets... .  all in the span of 3 months ... .  

Sounds silly ... .  but is it just grief overload? 

I am seeing a T and able to talk all these things out but sometimes I feel like my feet are in quick sand and I can't see a possible way out!

Everyone here is so helpful... .  I'm wondering if anyone can offer any insight... .  since we all share in this journey together

[tut-uncommon]

Cimbaruns,

I know how you feel. I think its because you (and I also) could still be in denial?

Part of it is the shock from being held up and adored then getting crushed with no real reason. Part of it it that we want to wake from a bad dream and the pwBPD comes back to us and we then live "happily ever after"?

This has been a tough time for me as I'm sure its been for you. Its a good thing youre seeing a T. He/She can help guide you through grief and process things better. These boards are also very helpful- there are many of us here going through it to. Feel free to sound off, vent, and ask questions.

Tut

[kahnighit]

I'm 5 months removed from the official end of the relationship.  I am also impatient and have been with regard to the depression and anger.  I think, to a certain degree, fighting them just makes it worse.

I've spent years in support groups focusing on dealing with family who are addicts.  I've got all the tools in the box, polished and well used, regarding them.  Yet, those skills just haven't worked with regard to my BPDex.  

The reasons I've come up with are as follows and in no particular order:

There's no object to demonize/blame.  It's easier to cope and love the person if there's a supposed outside influence that you can scapegoat.  "damn that alcohol. if it weren't for that... .  "  Not entirely the best coping method, admittedly, but a start.  I can blame her past or her parents or whatever but they weren't in the room when she made promises and/or broke them.  She's an adult and the assumption is she's responsible for her actions.

Unlike a parent or sibling I chose this relationship.  As I reflect back on the the relationship with the perfect clarity that hindsight affords I can see all the red flags that were raised and I watch myself ignore them and forge ahead towards doom.  To quote my best friend, "Of course you're angry.  You got duped by a moron."  So the depression is different as compared to the death of a loved one because there's a burden of responsibility added to the mix.  The loss didn't just happen beyond my control.  I played a very active part in it.

It's also different from a healthy relationship that "just didn't work out."  On one hand I was dealing with a mentally ill person who is incredibly adept at reeling people in and manipulating in various capacities.  Either I was ignorant to that or on some level chose to ignore it.  On the other hand the tools which the BPD uses are so emotionally intense, absolute and intoxicating that once they are removed the world is thrown into upheaval.  Looking back on the last 4 years I cannot tell you what part of her was real.  I am forced to assume that pretty much all of what she represented was a fabrication.  

And then there's the coming to terms with all the ways my boundaries were chipped away.  All the behaviors I would never tolerate in another and all the things I said I would never do and yet did.

In a nutshell the two problems with getting over the depression and anger fallout from this relationship are: Forgiving myself which is illustrated above.  The inability to really blame the other.  Once I really informed myself about this disorder I came to understand on a logical level that she isn't really in control of herself.  Emotionally, that's a bitter pill to swallow because I want to have a place to put accountability.  I want to rage on her and say, "why/how could you be this way and do these things?"  What I need to learn to accept is that she's on autopilot.  She's a spectator in her own life while her disorder does the driving.  I'm just not there yet.  Getting closer though.

[Cimbaruns]

Kahnightit

So much you said is true...

I did make the choice to stay in it and it so very different than a true"death" so to speak!

All the losses I've just been through were beyond my control whereas this "loss" is a part of my choosing... .  even though she was was the one who continually disappeared.

She IS on "autopilot" and the driving is beyond her control.

I continually ignored all of the  s and somehow thought it would somehow be different.

I feel like I was truly duped my someone I really never knew.

I guess in part I am probably still in denial so to speak... .  and going through the stages of grieving over and over again.

I fell deeply in love with this very disordered person... .  it sucked every bit of energy I had and yet I continued to "ride the ride" and endure all of the crazy making.

This realization of "taking care of myself"  now... .  is my sole purpose... .  

I guess I have to take it easy on ME and come to grips that this is a process that very well could take a very long time

Thank you for your kind responses

[jj2121]

I am, although I am over the relationship that ended 6 months ago now,but dragged on for 3. I am going to see a therapist this week as I now know I have issues too, it never was a realtionship,I was codependent.