Just Checking In here

[nowwhatz]

Over a month or more out of the last recycle. No contact. No tears. No severe depression.

But am concerned that I could be suppressing some needed "grieving." I block her out of my mind and keep myself so incredibly busy I have no time to think about her/it.

I go to therapy. Have plenty of work drama to fill my drama quota. I have a girl who likes me and likes to go out with me and have sex.

Many things in my life are on the upswing. I am involved in a lot of music and am getting into different types of music I hadn't had much time to discover before (progressive/experimental black/death metal... .  I know sounds negative ... .  but I am learning new styles on my guitar and enjoying it).

However I am seeing some of the consequences of being in the crazy r/s. Not sure if I can ever be in a r/s again. Now I am afraid of any possibility and nobody can compare to the intensity of the BPD r/s.  Etc. blah blah.  You know the drill.

As I get away from the fog I am thinking of trying to repair the friendships and valuable relationships that were damaged during my time with Miss "it."

Also at this point there is a lingering concern that "it" will soon make another attempt to return.

Still I worry a bit that I will never relate to women in a healthy way again... .  concerned that the shadow will always be with me going forward.

[sad but wiser]

Dear nowhatz - yeah, that was me after the first shock, too busy by choice to feel much of anything most of the time. Just wait, 6 months out and I am hurting and depressed.  It is almost a relief, because I knew there ought to be more feelings going on here... .  

[nowwhatz]

Dear nowhatz - yeah, that was me after the first shock, too busy by choice to feel much of anything most of the time. Just wait, 6 months out and I am hurting and depressed.  It is almost a relief, because I knew there ought to be more feelings going on here... .  

Sad But Wiser,

You know... .  I have gone through so many recycles and had so many bad periods of depression after the recycles I think either I feel like an "old pro."  But now I consciously block thoughts and feelings of her/it out of my life. On the other hand I finally got tired of the nonsense so my thoughts and feelings are not going to be as prevalent anyway. 

Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle and I will go through some grieving down the road... .  but even my attitude about grieving for this is somewhat been there done that... .  

Maybe this is progress!

[sad but wiser]

It sounds like progress toward detaching.  Good for you!  Once you understand the process, it is a bit like knowing how a magician did a trick, isn't it?  You just know what is going on, and it never seems magical again. 

[willy45]

Good for you man. I think that is great! I am not at the point where I can consciously block her out of my mind. I know that is that is the healthiest thing to do, for sure. I'm just not there yet. I'm trying!