Making that tough decision

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,

My last post, a week ago, was in regards to uBPDh "leaving" me. He was so sincere, said it was better this way etc, he was so calm (for the most part) I thought maybe it would stick this time.  I was kind of hoping it would.  Basically, we spent the afternoon and evening apart.  I have to say, it was so peaceful for me, knowing whatever he was doing wasn't my problem because he wasn't my partner anymore.  I say this because he has proven to be untrustworthy with keeping promises of showing up when he says he will and not being open about what he is doing.  He has created a life in another town where he works, has friends, etc that I have never, in a meaningful way, been invited to join.  It's as if he wants these two worlds to remain completely separate and it makes me wonder why.

After him "leaving" me, I allowed him to come stay here for the night on the couch because he couldn't find anywhere else to go.  He had asked for blankets so that he could go stay elsewhere for a couple weeks, I guess to decide what he wanted and to give us a "break." I think he was upset I got the blankets out and left them for him to take.  He yelled at me and hit the door and left in a huff.  I was merely honoring his wishes.  I didn't want or need to beg him to stay.  NO Thanks!

Later that day he texted to say sorry.  I said, thanks, me too.  Nothing more. Then he called a while later and hinted all around about coming home.  I think he wanted me to ask him to or something.  Finally, I say well since we don't have money to pay for another place for you to live right now, I guess you can come home and we can just "not talk" except for small talk.  

It has since become obvious to me that this is just part of "our cycle". I don't want to participate in the cycle any longer.  He seems fine with it.  I think he leaves, wants to come back and it all be exciting, all make-up euphoria.  When I don't play my part in the cycle, he seems disappointed.

It has become super obvious to me that I am not happy at all in this relationship.  There is so much wrong.  It's as if a limb is filled with disease and the only option left is amputation.  

I know I will be okay.  That peace I had for those few hours when he "left me" was so refreshing.  The peace that would come from him not being in my life is tempting.  

My problem is... . I don't think he will be okay.  I think he wanted to come home because he is too afraid to do something else.  He says he doesn't love me (like the infatuation kind).  I can see in very, very small ways that he maybe made an effort for a day or so, but I just don't think he has it in him anymore.  

It dawned on me yesterday how much of a parent/child relationship we have.  He wants the comfort of knowing he has me, a home, the kids, but wants to spread his wings and be autonomous (like a teenager) when he feels stifled.  But he wants to keep me on the sidelines.  This doesn't work for me.  

I guess what I am wanting to know is, how do I make a decision and move forward?

If I decide to not continue in the relationship, how do I get over the worry that he will fall apart?

Why, after all the crap he has put me through and pulled, do I even care if he falls apart? Seriously?

Is there even a hope that this relationship could improve and meet any of my needs?  Or is it all just hopeless?

[4now]

Hello all,

My last post, a week ago, was in regards to uBPDh "leaving" me. He was so sincere, said it was better this way etc, he was so calm (for the most part) I thought maybe it would stick this time.  I was kind of hoping it would.  Basically, we spent the afternoon and evening apart.  I have to say, it was so peaceful for me, knowing whatever he was doing wasn't my problem because he wasn't my partner anymore.  I say this because he has proven to be untrustworthy with keeping promises of showing up when he says he will and not being open about what he is doing.  He has created a life in another town where he works, has friends, etc that I have never, in a meaningful way, been invited to join.  It's as if he wants these two worlds to remain completely separate and it makes me wonder why.

After him "leaving" me, I allowed him to come stay here for the night on the couch because he couldn't find anywhere else to go.  He had asked for blankets so that he could go stay elsewhere for a couple weeks, I guess to decide what he wanted and to give us a "break." I think he was upset I got the blankets out and left them for him to take.  He yelled at me and hit the door and left in a huff.  I was merely honoring his wishes.  I didn't want or need to beg him to stay.  NO Thanks!

Later that day he texted to say sorry.  I said, thanks, me too.  Nothing more. Then he called a while later and hinted all around about coming home.  I think he wanted me to ask him to or something.  Finally, I say well since we don't have money to pay for another place for you to live right now, I guess you can come home and we can just "not talk" except for small talk.  

It has since become obvious to me that this is just part of "our cycle". I don't want to participate in the cycle any longer.  He seems fine with it.  I think he leaves, wants to come back and it all be exciting, all make-up euphoria.  When I don't play my part in the cycle, he seems disappointed.

It has become super obvious to me that I am not happy at all in this relationship.  There is so much wrong.  It's as if a limb is filled with disease and the only option left is amputation.  

I know I will be okay.  That peace I had for those few hours when he "left me" was so refreshing.  The peace that would come from him not being in my life is tempting.  

My problem is... . I don't think he will be okay.  I think he wanted to come home because he is too afraid to do something else.  He says he doesn't love me (like the infatuation kind).  I can see in very, very small ways that he maybe made an effort for a day or so, but I just don't think he has it in him anymore.  

It dawned on me yesterday how much of a parent/child relationship we have.  He wants the comfort of knowing he has me, a home, the kids, but wants to spread his wings and be autonomous (like a teenager) when he feels stifled.  But he wants to keep me on the sidelines.  This doesn't work for me.  

I guess what I am wanting to know is, how do I make a decision and move forward?

If I decide to not continue in the relationship, how do I get over the worry that he will fall apart?

Why, after all the crap he has put me through and pulled, do I even care if he falls apart? Seriously?

Is there even a hope that this relationship could improve and meet any of my needs?  Or is it all just hopeless?

[tuum est61]

I guess what I am wanting to know is, how do I make a decision and move forward?

If I decide to not continue in the relationship, how do I get over the worry that he will fall apart?

Why, after all the crap he has put me through and pulled, do I even care if he falls apart? Seriously?

Is there even a hope that this relationship could improve and meet any of my needs?  Or is it all just hopeless?

All of these questions will continue to haunt you until you start focusing on the smaller changes you can make to your actions and your responses.    

Once these changes are made, you will start to see some clarity around the answers to the bigger question that the Clash lyrically posed "Should I stay or should I go"  (With the references to being painted black, it would seem Jones and Strummer might have had a pwBPD in their lives at one point?)

So one step at a time and back to the suggestions and questions I posed to you last week.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197167.msg12221897#msg12221897