What should I do for my own sanity?

[4now]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on the undecided board. I could write a book about the last week or so, but I guess I will spare some of the details and just get to the part I need help with.

uBPDh has left the house. He packed some things and said good bye to the kids.  He alternated between being nasty to me and telling me he cares about me and that I will be fine. That I am young and pretty and will find someone else.  He has left several times before, usually only for a night, but had never been this calm while doing so.  So I felt like this is it.  I cried, called a friend, talked to my Mom, then went to dinner with a friend. (we had this planned since days before) Then I get home and he calls.  After making it very clear he didn't want to talk to me, there was nothing left to say, etc. 

He asks how the kids are.  How I am.  If I am okay, that I was so upset, if I am better.  I say yes I am better.  I tell him how confused I am. Why is he calling.  He says it's hard for him to.  But keeps saying this is better, better for the kids, us not being together and fighting.  While I agree that it is terrible for the kids to see and hear us fighting, I am still confused.  He sort of alternates between talking about things that are wrong (ie talking it out) and talking about how it just doesn't work.   I am confused and tell him so. 

During this time, he is driving from where he was to the town where our house is, which is about 35 miles.  He said the house where he was going to stay, an empty house he is re-modeling, is cold.  He drives to a restaurant close to our house and I talk to him while he is eating and drinking a beer.  Then he asks if I can leave the chain off the door in the a.m. so he can come while I am taking the kids to school and get a blanket.  I say fine, yes, if I remember to do it.  All I meant by this was if I forget in the a.m. in the rush to get kids out the door, that's why.  This made him upset and he said he'd just go buy one.  We get off the phone in a huff.

This was a very civil conversation. I tried to listen to what he was saying, without judging, or expectations.  During the conversation, he says two things that really stand out to me today.  That he would like to feel that really strong love for me, like he did in the beginning, and where he couldn't wait to come home and see me.  That maybe with some time, ie 10-14 days apart, we could "miss" each other and feel it again.  Then he says that as he sees it, another huge issue is my not wanting him to have a social life, that if he does I have to be part of it.  Which, honestly, I don't care if he has a social life as long as he is meeting his responsibilities to his family and he is honest about what he is doing. 

To me, this just seems like more of the BPD madness.  Where he is expecting to "fall in love" with me all over again, but I fear that when the reality of the situation sets back in where I do have expectations and do expect honesty, etc, he will fall right back out of love again.  Plus, how do I refute the argument about his social time, when it is something he has convinced himself of and I will only make it worse to tell him how wrong he is. 

After getting off the phone with him last night, I text and tell him I hope he is warm and sleeping.  I had turned my phone to silent and wasn't expecting a text back as that is his usual m.o. Well, he texted back and asked to stay here last night.  So I let him, he sleeps on the couch.  He didn't want the kids to know as he thought it wouldn't be fair to them, so I wake him before they get up and he hangs out in our bedroom until they are eating breakfast.  Then he showers.  I take the kids to school and he is almost ready to leave when I get back.  Our youngest is with me.  He talks to him briefly.  Then he says, thanks for letting me stay here and goodbye.  I just nodded.  He didn't like this.  I say it's just hard, I don't know what to expect, when you will call or whatever. He got mad and hit the door, started shouting at me, saying I abuse of him, and a bunch of other stuff I don't even remember now.  But he was so angry.  Why? I don't know. I tell him not to call me.  I don't even know if I mean that, but I know I can't deal with the back and forth.  And for him to be so angry and yell at me.  Over what? What is the best step right now? I don't think we can talk about anything right now, but when we do talk what should I expect so that I know something will be different next time? He is totally convinced the problem is with me. He rarely says what his part is or what he can do differently. Where  do you go from here?

[pari]

4now: I understand completely what you feel. This is the exact situation I am in. All the problem is with me. He gets mad over nothing, starts yelling at me in public, goes black and white few times everyday but still I am the one who confuses him or does not listen to him. If I try to explain him or even validate him, it makes him more angry.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. If you are tired of this splitting back and forth, take a mental health break. I am no expert in dealing with such situations but while making these suggestions to you, I slowly try to follow it in my life as well. 

[tuum est61]

4now,

I feel for you and I feel for your very confused husband - since his push pull reminds me so much of my uBPDw. On Friday I was asked to leave - yet again - so I said I would move into the spare room downstairs - for the night anyway - but before I even got home from work, she said that "no, she did not want me to sleep elsewhere."  And then she went on to make a special dinner for us.     

I am no longer perplexed by the behaviour.  It still bothers me - I can't see it not bothering me, since I still love my W very much, as I am sure you love your H.  Its like they just don't get that - your H and my W actually say that we don't love them.  And perhaps as difficult and contradictory to loving someone else as it sounds, its times like these that you really have to focus on yourself, not your H.  

To keep your sanity, you need to detach from his confusion.  You did well in your crying (expressing YOUR feelings), talking to your Mom, having dinner with your friend (good for going through with this planned event)  - all good stuff to look after yourself.  

Validate his feelings - that you understand that he is uncertain about what he wants to do, but don't try to resolve his confusion for him.  Try not to participate in covering for him regarding the children.  Be there to support your children regarding his actions, but not him.  Resist his attempts to reengage you regarding his needs - like the blanket - he can certainly look after such things himself.  Generally speculate less or wonder why he's doing what he's doing.  He's a pwBPD and it is "madness".   All these things will help with your sanity.

I tell him not to call me.

I think you are trying to set a boundary - and thats a good thing because boundaries are the ultimate in sanity providers. But is that really what you want?  Will it work? If not, how could you adjust the "boundary" to make it more viable?