The Fog is lifting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well I still have the fear... . I still have the obligation... . but the guilt is lessening 

There is no more I could have done to prevent her leaving.

I am no longer looking back through rose tinted glasses - well, I am BUT not towards how she is now.

I do not have room in my life for somebody who can discard me after 6 months of wobbles (when were supposed to have our future planned out!).  I deserve better.  I may not find it but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For now, I am thinking "Poor K" (her new gf/fiancee).  I am free of this.  Hurrah.

P.S Don't get me wrong, I still feel lonely and miss her, but my logical brain is being strong at the mo.

[mango_flower]

Well I still have the fear... . I still have the obligation... . but the guilt is lessening 

There is no more I could have done to prevent her leaving.

I am no longer looking back through rose tinted glasses - well, I am BUT not towards how she is now.

I do not have room in my life for somebody who can discard me after 6 months of wobbles (when were supposed to have our future planned out!).  I deserve better.  I may not find it but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For now, I am thinking "Poor K" (her new gf/fiancee).  I am free of this.  Hurrah.

P.S Don't get me wrong, I still feel lonely and miss her, but my logical brain is being strong at the mo.

[willy45]

Yeah! Good for you. I'm really glad to hear that. A great step forward. Glad to hear the good news.

[elessar]

every day i am defending her less and my anger is rising. every day my eyes open more to what she did/is doing. i know she is undiagnosed. i know to 99% of the world she is charming and perfect. but i know how quickly that mask falls off when others are gone. everyday i am fluctuating between calling her an evil btch, accepting she has BPD but not the courage to get help, and missing the amazing memories about us and the amazing things she did for me in the honeymoon phase. but i have no more fear, no more obligation, and no more guilt.

and one day you will too mango_flower. when are we going to be ready to have a healthy relationship with one someone else... . i don't know? but isn't it amazing to know that we do not want this abuse anymore. sure, they might be the most beautiful girls in the world. the romantic moments might be straight of a dream. but the pain that follows isn't worth it. treating us like tools that is no longer needed isn't worth it.

the way she can leave us... . come back years later... . pursue us, chase us, make us promises, look for apartments with us and plan wedding with us and then poof... . gone. and move on as if nothing happened. we were toys who are no more useful or fun.

i might be bitter, but i am no longer defending her, no longer wanting her. and that is some progress i hope.

good luck mango_flower. i have said it before, but i like your posts

[mango_flower]

Thank you guys

I still feel broken inside, like there is a part of me I will never get back.

But I laughed yesterday for the first time in ages!

I will always wonder "what if" and think what could have been had she stayed as she was... . and part of me will always miss her.  But I need to move forward.

xxx