Can Someone Be Abusive Because of the Relationship?

[willy45]

Here is my thinking right now. Sorry... . It is a bit disjointed. I just got contacted by my EX after explicitly telling her not to (for the 100th time)

Is it possible that someone can become abuse because of the relationship? I guess this is the same thinking I had about her abuse being all my fault... . And the mystical thinking that she is great and perfect now that I am out of her life... . And the usual thinking that I caused her to rage at me and freak out in public and get angry over every little thing that I did or didn't do or should have done or could have done.

Never mind. I think I am answering my own question. She was abusive with me. I am clear on that. Very clear. But I didn't behave great either. I never yelled and screamed at her or raged at her. But I was uncommitted to her. I tried to be. I gave it a million and one chances. But she always freaked out on me for something or another. She claimed she freaked out on me because I wasn't committed enough. I told her I couldn't commit because every time we spent anymore than 3 days together, she would yell at me.

Arg. And also, extra Blarg.

[paperlung]

You're blaming yourself for her abusive behavior. That is something us non-BPs seem to struggle with a lot; putting the blame on ourselves. Don't beat yourself up over what happened. She has a mental illness.

[MaybeSo]

This is an issue that is coming up repeatedly, you feel guilty that your lack of commitment wasn't very cool or caused some of the distess in relationship.

Ok so, I'm not going to talk you out of that. If you aren't very serious about someone for whatever reason, probably it's best to end the relationship especially if that is becoming a point of contention in the relationship, right? Staying for the sex is human, but not necessarily the best decision, right? . It's not like you broke a law, or anything like that... . but, for your own peace of mind and well being, ending this (sooner)  may have been the best bet.  I think this is an experience you can learn from and take with you as you move forward. Given a similar set of circumstances, hopefully your choices today would be a bit different?  We all make mistakes; the point is to learn from them... . beating yourself up doesn't facilitate growth.

Whatever mistakes you may have made... . you don't deserve abuse. She is responsible for her behavior, and vice versa.

Beating yourself up doesn't facilitate your growth or learning from this experience. Own your

part AND also have compassion for yourself.  You have an opportunity to learn more about

yourself from this experience.

Being a non in no way means we have no issues or in no way contribute to difficulties in relationships... . "non" is just a word to identify the non-disordered partner on this forum...  But non-disordered people have issues, blind spots, often lack relationship skills and contribute to relationship issues all the time... . "non" does not mean "perfect relationship partner" .

We are all learning.

[mango_flower]

This is going to be a short and sweet reply as I'm getting ready for work, but NO!

They have to have that side of them already, inside.

My worst fear is that she would have a perfect relationship with her new girl, but I'm caring less and less.

And if she does - it's because life is just lining up for her that way right now - no external stressors, no issues at work, no triggers.  And that is just pure luck and pure chance.  That potential will always be under there, lurking.

You did nothing wrong.  Nothing.

She has control issues - clearly cannot control her actions when things are less than perfect.

Think of somebody you admire and respect - would THEY act in the same way she did towards you?  Even if you were arguing, whatever?  No. Most people would sit down and say "hey, things are going great, are they?  Let's talk about our future".  It always helps me to think how another person would act.

Hope you're doing ok x