Are you all over the place sometimes?

[sheepdog]

I want to preface this post by saying that I had kind of a breakthrough this past week - a good one.  I don't miss my friend.  I don't miss my person wBPD.  If I never see or talk to him again, I will be happy.  It was horrible and unhealthy and false and I want no part to do with it or him ever again.

BUT, as a result of my relationship with him, a whole huge Pandora's box of issues *I* have has been opened.  And I feel like I am all over the place.

He and I have not spoken since the first week of August.  And sometimes I feel so much further on and sometimes I don't.

I've started an exercise class.  It's free and it's 3 days a week for an hour each day.  I'm pretty fit but this class is hard and I feel myself getting physically stronger.  I love it.  The first two weeks, I've been flying high... .  only good thoughts, feel like I can conquer anything. My therapist says I suffer from overwhelming toxic shame and that I have some of the lowest self-esteem she's ever seen and that I am highly critical of myself.  I get so happy about this class, I can not even tell you.  And it's helped upstairs in my head, too.  I was starting to kind of like myself a bit.

And then this am... .  the total opposite.  I feel sad and down.  I started thinking about how I don't miss him anymore - the drama, the lies, how everything centered around him, etc.  I checked in with myself and still felt that way.  I hopped on Facebook (I think this may be a trigger for me) and saw that another friend/acquaintance that I used to be closer to but as a result of the craziness with BPD friend last year I feel that she now sees me as weak even though I hid all of that for the most part had gone out with other friends last night.

And it all came rushing back - all of the toxic shame, all of the desire for just one, true friend that gets me, how I'd love if me and my SO could find a group to hang with (we have this but not in the way I'd like).  And I'm sitting here crying.

There is a thread where a person has titled it in a way that I think they're talking about ending it.  Before this class, three days before I started it, I thought 'if I knew that God would just open his arms to me and accept me, I'd just want to disappear.'  I haven't felt like that for these weeks.  Today, I do.

Any thoughts?  

Thank you.

**Modified to add:  I do have a therapist but have not been since November.  I have an appointment scheduled with her this week.  On this personal inventory board, I have a thread about my toxic shame.  I know this has much to do with it.

**Modified again to add:  that person, the one above (me) that wants God to just forgive me for these thoughts... .  she scares me.  I have always had a huge love affair with life.  I get so excited about everything:  trees, sunsets, babies laughing, bike riding, everything.  Feeling hopeless is something I had never encountered until BPD... .  

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sheepdog,

My answer to your question in the thread title is YES.  I relate to your post.  It has been one year for me at the end of this month and I feel so much better overall.  The r/s with pwBPD opened a can of worms that I must have been sitting on for many years.  I'm astonished at how deep my FOO issues were/are affecting me.

After my breakup with pwBPD, I didn't want to live, either.  Had never felt that way before, and I've had several difficult breakups in my life.  I definitely didn't want to end my life, I just didn't want to live anymore.  I chalked it up to PTSD, abandonment depression, FOO stuff, something like that  

Like you, I started to feel a lot better, but then, inexplicably, one day I'd fall into a hole again and feel so incredibly hopeless about life in general.  (It has nothing to do with r/s with pwBPD) The last time it happened was this week!  But I noticed that I was uncovering some difficult FOO stuff to do with my mother.  Then *poof*  I immediately fell into that hole.  You mentioned that you had a breakthrough.  So maybe it's the whole process of coming to terms with our past and how it affects us now.   All this change brings up a lot of  

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that I also have those days, even after feeling so much better.  They don't last long, thankfully.

Please don't judge yourself for having those thoughts.  I felt guilty, too, but then realized that I won't be struck dead for thinking them, and it doesn't mean I'm an ungrateful, bad person.  They are just thoughts and feelings which pass through - not who I AM.

Hang in there, I hope you have a good session with your T  

[clairedair]

Hi sheepdog

I was actually thinking of starting a thread today on just this topic because after a really good week, I woke up this morning feeling low and defeated. 

I saw a new T this week and it was a good session with some 'lightbulb'  but it has meant feeling like some things in life have not been the way I thought they were.  This includes my own belief that my self-esteem was pretty good - but I have allowed myself to be treated with little respect for some time so can my self-esteem be that good?  Then I feel ashamed that I allowed this and the self-esteem drops even lower.  Vicious circle.

Looking back, the times when I feel low are not as intense, nor do they last as long so I'm hopeful that I'll get to a point where such moments are few and far between.

take care

Claire

PS I'm very impressed that you are taking a class three times a week!  Good for you.

[sheepdog]

Hi Sheepdog,

My answer to your question in the thread title is YES.  I relate to your post.  It has been one year for me at the end of this month and I feel so much better overall.  The r/s with pwBPD opened a can of worms that I must have been sitting on for many years.  I'm astonished at how deep my FOO issues were/are affecting me.

You mentioned that you had a breakthrough.  So maybe it's the whole process of coming to terms with our past and how it affects us now.   All this change brings up a lot of  

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that I also have those days, even after feeling so much better.  They don't last long, thankfully.

Please don't judge yourself for having those thoughts.  I felt guilty, too, but then realized that I won't be struck dead for thinking them, and it doesn't mean I'm an ungrateful, bad person.  They are just thoughts and feelings which pass through - not who I AM.

Hang in there, I hope you have a good session with your T  

heartandwhole- thank you so much!  SO much of what you said resonated with me.  I'm glad to know I'm not alone.  I am also astonished by how deep my FOO issues are - and I'm still trying to understand them as I truly had 2 really great parents but I guess *everything* plays into your FOO.

Yes, the breakthrough is that I no longer want to be friends with him.  I no longer hard-core wonder what he is doing.

Have you had any contact with your person with BPD?

Thank you again.

Hi sheepdog

I was actually thinking of starting a thread today on just this topic because after a really good week, I woke up this morning feeling low and defeated. 

I saw a new T this week and it was a good session with some 'lightbulb'  but it has meant feeling like some things in life have not been the way I thought they were.  This includes my own belief that my self-esteem was pretty good - but I have allowed myself to be treated with little respect for some time so can my self-esteem be that good?  Then I feel ashamed that I allowed this and the self-esteem drops even lower.  Vicious circle.

Looking back, the times when I feel low are not as intense, nor do they last as long so I'm hopeful that I'll get to a point where such moments are few and far between.

take care

Claire

PS I'm very impressed that you are taking a class three times a week!  Good for you.

Claire:  but I have allowed myself to be treated with little respect for some time so can my self-esteem be that good?  Then I feel ashamed that I allowed this and the self-esteem drops even lower.  Vicious circle.  YES!  This is right where I am.  Exactly.

I'm glad your session with your new therapist was good.  Those lightbulb moments can be doozies.

I'm so glad you're making progress.

[heartandwhole]

Sheepdog, No, there has been no contact between us, and that has been a blessing for me.  I know it's not for everyone, and I've had my hellish moments, but today I'm glad of it.  

How about you?  

[sheepdog]

Today - first time - I've glad of it.  Maybe that is why I am so down?  Not really caring what he is up to... .  that's like letting him go.

And there is no other best friend to replace him.  I have many friends but none that really have gotten to the core of me.  So now I don't miss him but there is no one to fill that whole.

Of course, this could all change tomorrow... .     

I am glad you are happy there has been no contact.  Interesting both of out pwBPD have been in the no contact camp when so many on here get contacted over and over.

Thank you again.   

[heartandwhole]

Yes, at first I was sad that he didn't even try to contact me  :'(    But it has really helped me.  I think the hardest thing for me was letting go of hope.  Truth be told, that has always been hard for me, but especially with him.

Did you mean that someone else will fill the void that he left behind? Not sure if that's what you meant.  I'd really like *me* to fill up that hole, if you know what I mean.  Then the next r/s I'm in will be about two relatively whole people sharing their lives.  I'm not saying that a new r/s wouldn't help the healing process, I do believe in that, too.  But I don't want temporary medicine for my hurt, I want a healthy connection that benefits both of us.

Keep us posted, sheepdog.  You are doing great work we can all learn from.  

[sheepdog]

Did you mean that someone else will fill the void that he left behind? Not sure if that's what you meant.  I'd really like *me* to fill up that hole, if you know what I mean. 

Whoa, you just took my breath away.  Wow... .  

I'm really going to pnder that.

And yes I guess that is what I meant.  I have an SO but I don't have (besides the SO) that one true friend.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Hi Sheepdog,

I'm definitely all over the place sometimes! Especially after stressful situations, or encounters with my BPDw. I chalk them up to triggers! I have tons of them. And sometimes, I don't get out of bed. And sometimes I eagerly get out of bed in the morning. I've learned to be very kind and patient with myself about these things. Being this way has liberated my mind so that I am able to do a lot more things.

Please don't judge yourself for having those thoughts.  I felt guilty, too, but then realized that I won't be struck dead for thinking them, and it doesn't mean I'm an ungrateful, bad person.  They are just thoughts and feelings which pass through - not who I AM.

Exactly. Having these thoughts is normal. Persons with more functional FOO's than we experienced, learned a lot more tools for dealing with our feelings, including days like you are talking about.

I've started an exercise class.  It's free and it's 3 days a week for an hour each day.  I'm pretty fit but this class is hard and I feel myself getting physically stronger.  I love it.  The first two weeks, I've been flying high... .  only good thoughts, feel like I can conquer anything. My therapist says I suffer from overwhelming toxic shame and that I have some of the lowest self-esteem she's ever seen and that I am highly critical of myself.  I get so happy about this class, I can not even tell you.  And it's helped upstairs in my head, too.

This is fantastic! Way to go!  

I have always had a huge love affair with life.  I get so excited about everything:  trees, sunsets, babies laughing, bike riding, everything.

Gosh! This is so great and positive and wonderful! When is the next time you are going to go bike riding, pick up and tickle a baby, watch a sunset? Do it!    

Feeling hopeless is something I had never encountered until BPD... .  

:'( This happens to many of us.  BPD fleas.

but I have allowed myself to be treated with little respect for some time so can my self-esteem be that good?

This is normal when you are in a relationship with a BPD. So, it is no surprise that your self-esteem has been beaten down. Now you can build it back up, just like you've been doing. And, you can make it better than before your BPD entered your life!

I'd really like *me* to fill up that hole, if you know what I mean.  Then the next r/s I'm in will be about two relatively whole people sharing their lives.  

Heartandwhole, you are so right: You are the person who will best fill up that hole. I feel my whole getting filled up with me when I spend time working through my emotions, when I am self-commpasionate, when I compliment myself, when I self-validate. Someone recently posted about recognizing that you are being self-loving when you do things like take a shower. So, I've started telling myself that I'm showing myself that I love myself when I shower, and then rub my arms, etc. I feel it. I feel me with me. I feel myself filling up that hole with me. It is a great feeling.

I still have the need for human company, but that's a different need. I'm not saying that one can't fix myself while in a relationship with somebody else, but I'm currently finding it hard enough just to take care of my stuff.

Keep up the great work, sheepdog. You've come a long way!

AnotherPheonix    

[sheepdog]

Thanks AnotherPhoenix!

My self-esteem has always been pretty low so building it up - it's a huge undertaking.  I hate that he thinks I'm a sucker, a pushover, that he got the best of me.

So much of what you said makes sense.

[Blessed0329]

I'm really glad I found this topic, because I was beginning to think I was all alone here, and going crazy. Yes, I feel like I am all over the place emotionally, up, down, at peace, in turmoil, all in one day! It's exhausting having all of these conflicting emotions, and trying to find the balance I used to have.

[laelle]

Me too. Even tho I dont want the relationship back as it is critical to my self to keep away, I still find myself longing just to speak to him, and then I find myself not wanting to speak to him. 

I go between feeling used and feeling like I have lost something.

[sheepdog]

Blessed0329 and lealle - I'm glad I am not the only one!  But I'm sorry you are feeling this way, too... .

laelle - you said you go between feeling used and feeling like you have lost something.  Me, too.  But I feel like I have lost myself.  Is that what you mean?