Time to heal

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Some may know from the saying board that my H has been very depressed of late and started talking suicide and then wanting to kill me and the kids.  We called the crisis line, they called the cops and he has been in the mental health crisis house since last Wed.  Now there is a NC order, except by phone, and he cannot come home.

Now, it is time to heal.  There has been 16 years of abuse to process and the kids are just starting to open up and talk about their feelings.  They could never say anything while their Papa was at home because he was always there. 

We started by moving all the bedrooms around and everybody traded beds or got a new room.  We changed our routines in the morning and we are going to start going out more, have some fun.  We are planning on going to the Easter sunrise service that H would never let us go to because he didn't want to get up that early.  After spring break I will start looking for work and am thinking of starting an etsy store for selling baby quilts, although there are a ton of those on etsy, so not sure about that. 

A couple years ago I would have been devastated at his being gone and trying my best to fix things for him.  Now he has to find a place to go after his time at the house runs out and I have learned that he has to take responsibility for himself (yeah me! I'm not going to enable any more!).  I am feeling relieved that he is out of the house and not hurting us any more.  I want to use this time to allow healing for both me and my kids. 

So here I am at Personal Inventory.  I've been hurt, but I will get better.  I've accepted my part in the problem and I'm working toward setting boundries and realizing I can't fix the problems of others.  I'm capable of taking care of me, my kids, and my home (20 acres in the middle of no where.  Yes, I can drive the tractor and not break it, what do you know?).  I have hope for the future and life looks pretty good today.     

[Mara2]

Some may know from the saying board that my H has been very depressed of late and started talking suicide and then wanting to kill me and the kids.  We called the crisis line, they called the cops and he has been in the mental health crisis house since last Wed.  Now there is a NC order, except by phone, and he cannot come home.

Now, it is time to heal.  There has been 16 years of abuse to process and the kids are just starting to open up and talk about their feelings.  They could never say anything while their Papa was at home because he was always there. 

We started by moving all the bedrooms around and everybody traded beds or got a new room.  We changed our routines in the morning and we are going to start going out more, have some fun.  We are planning on going to the Easter sunrise service that H would never let us go to because he didn't want to get up that early.  After spring break I will start looking for work and am thinking of starting an etsy store for selling baby quilts, although there are a ton of those on etsy, so not sure about that. 

A couple years ago I would have been devastated at his being gone and trying my best to fix things for him.  Now he has to find a place to go after his time at the house runs out and I have learned that he has to take responsibility for himself (yeah me! I'm not going to enable any more!).  I am feeling relieved that he is out of the house and not hurting us any more.  I want to use this time to allow healing for both me and my kids. 

So here I am at Personal Inventory.  I've been hurt, but I will get better.  I've accepted my part in the problem and I'm working toward setting boundries and realizing I can't fix the problems of others.  I'm capable of taking care of me, my kids, and my home (20 acres in the middle of no where.  Yes, I can drive the tractor and not break it, what do you know?).  I have hope for the future and life looks pretty good today.     

[maria1]

Mara2

Welcome to PI.

I just read your post here. I've not followed any of your story at all before now but it sounds like you and your kids have been through some absolutely horrific stuff.

It also sounds like you are being an amazing mother and support to them. I hope you can continue to post here and look after yourself. I am so glad you're off to find some fun and do such positive stuff.

Lots of hugs and huge respect to you 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mara,  It's nice to see you post on PI.  Your situation sounded very scary.  I'm happy that he is not in your immediate envionment now.  When I got some physical and emotional distance from my ex, it was amazing how much my stress level decreased.  I am by no means 'out of the woods', but I can see glimpses of good things to come. 

Be good to yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help.  PI is about taking the focus off of my ex and putting it on me.  What is about me that chooses to stay in relationships that are abusive and ones where my needs are not getting met?  What can I do to take better care of myself?  What does it mean to love myself?  I am asking myself these and other questions.  Take it easy.   

[P.F.Change]

I am so encouraged to hear how you are taking care of yourself and your family.  There aren't enough  s in the world to convey how awesome that is. It makes me happy to hear how relieved and safe you and your children are starting to feel, and that you are giving all of you new beginnings. I think that Easter service will be appropriate and hope you all feel renewed.

Glad to have you here on PI... . just let us know when there is something you are working on or anything in particular you will need help with. There are ups and downs to leaving a relationship like this, and we will be here for you as you continue to heal you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Mara2]

Thanks everyone.  Still breathing fresh air and it feels good.  I am starting to do things I like again. 

I do have a question for you.  Most people think I should be "going through it" or upset at least, but I don't.  I feel that this is the mess he made and now he gets to clean it up.  I feel rather detatched and more relieved than upset.  Do you think this is hard hearted or healthy? 

[maria1]

I think you have been through enough and you deserve a break right now. Feel what you feel. I don't think it's surprising to feel some relief, even happiness at the face that the advise has stopped. There is nothing wrong in feeling what you feel.

Don't be surprised if your feelings change though. You may still need to grieve. You may have grieved already.

Be kind to yourself.