I need your help

[Undone123]

Here is my story

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198808.0

Will she come back and what do I do if she does? its 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

No way to know for sure whether she will come back or not.

But if she does... .  

Part of that answer might be in understanding why you felt compelled to try to save her.  What was it about your own self that allowed you to get sucked into an unhealthy relationship... .   And crave more of it! 

[Undone123]

Wow! deep! well I had all the red flags, and asked questions... .   Third time of kicking me out I was like "Hey you need to get counselling". She was going to do this, before counselling had started she split and ended it.

I new something was up. Now I feel I know whats up. I can't hate her. This is not her fault. I have detatched my emotions from her actions, because it essentially an illness and I have to accept it. (which I do).

Is that healthy or is that codependent? Previously to my ex I was an independent successful man, there is no doubt I panicked when she split though.

Whats all that about?

[Undone123]

And also the part of the reason I wanted to latch on to the relationship was because I'm getting checked out for lymphoma, so wanted her with me... .   obviously that didn't happen. Not playing victim, thats just the fact of the matter.

[yeeter]

These relationships have a way of cutting right to our vulnerable spots.  And we stay with it, past the point of where it's healthy.

So this part is our own to sort out.  Worthwhile, because the self awareness will help us the rest of life

I read your intro, and now see that you are on staying.  What is it you want to happen?  (and how likely is it?)

[VirtuousWoman]

Hi, I know I haven't written here in a while, and that's only because I have been busy writing/researching psychological disorders.

I don't mean to just jump into the subject like this, but we sometimes hender our recovery process when we are physically ill by enduring unnecessary stress. One of those unnecessary stressors is unhealthy relationships. Stress affects our immune system. Whatever the source of that stress needs to be re-evaluated if it is worth our lives to keep it.

[Undone123]

Thanks a lot for the help... .  

I'm hoping really for her to reengage me, maybe paint me white again. I fear this might not happen because I think her smear campaign would have done some pretty big damage, and she wont want to lose face. But once the dust settles, who knows? She may. All I want to happen really is for us to go at the relationship with this knowledge, and get therapy. My expectations are realistic, she's still gonna blow up because I didn't shut the shower curtain... .   But with help this will improve.

So if she does come back, I want to engage her. About the problem. I remember her saying in a rage "i think i might be bipolar or have BPD" but I was stupidly so cynical about mental illness, and there was other stuff going on in the rage that I didn't take much notice. So she is receptive... .   So if she makes contact again, what do I do? In our relationship there is no lie, my strong independent character twindled, and I found myself losing myself. That can't happen again. IF she comes back, and I'm not sure she will, how do I handle it so that I'm not going back grovelling, to be her b1tch... .   I want her to get help, but I want to keep my sanity

[VirtuousWoman]

Sorry to intrude again, but your sanity is something that has to be on the top-notch priority list in order to help someone who's sanity seems unstable. If both of you are unstable, what good will it do?

I was involved with someone who tried with their life to take my sanity. Not because it was a revenge tactic or anything. It was because they did not want me to tell the truth and expose them. I took a chance and told the truth anyway. Their whole smear campaign backfired. I don't think me telling the truth would have worked if I had of let this person take my sanity, because if they did, then they would have used that as a cover-up for their lies and say "She's insane! Don't believe her!" That's usually the reason why they try hard to make you lose control.

[yeeter]

Read about boundaries dank.  They are there to protect your own sense of self, and sanity.

It's critical you don't lose yourself in the relationship, which means taking care of your own well being.

Ultimately she has to make the decision for herself if she wants help, and do the work.  You can draw lines such that the relationship moves forward only if, it's a healthy dynamic.

Start with the lesions on the right>> >>  

[Undone123]

Sorry to intrude again, but your sanity is something that has to be on the top-notch priority list in order to help someone who's sanity seems unstable. If both of you are unstable, what good will it do?

I was involved with someone who tried with their life to take my sanity. Not because it was a revenge tactic or anything. It was because they did not want me to tell the truth and expose them. I took a chance and told the truth anyway. Their whole smear campaign backfired. I don't think me telling the truth would have worked if I had of let this person take my sanity, because if they did, then they would have used that as a cover-up for their lies and say "She's insane! Don't believe her!" That's usually the reason why they try hard to make you lose control.

Good point she has already made me out to be insane

[yeeter]

She will misrepresent you in a number of ways.  To anyone who will listen.  You will always be the bad guy.  And yes, if you let it it will affect you sanity

The way to combat it is to walk the walk.  Have confidence in yourself.  Take the high road and don't get sucked in, ven when it affects the public perception of you.  After a while people will figure it out and form their own opinion about you.