Having a bout of getting angry suddenly

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not sure where the best place to put this is.  :)ecided to do it here.

My house is just too expensive for me now.  Especially with having just bought a new car (old one died, had to buy a new one).  First time I've had a car payment in 7 years.  It's been hard to keep up with the mortgage, bills, etc.  The house has maintenance needs and I just don't have the cash to do it.  I also don't the cash for things like soccer league for my son, etc. without it being very difficult, as in skimping on lunch for me at work, and things like that.

When I first bought the car, I also had HOA dues, and some other yearly bills hit.  My expenses vs. income are always at best equal, and when all those expenses hit, I was already broke.  I never can build up savings because of all this.  I'd been thinking about trying to sell because of the mortgage was too much anyway.  I hadn't because the house is upside down and since my divorce, I'd wanted to try to hang on until the prices came back.  Well, it's been 4 years or so, and the values have only dropped more, and it's projected to be another 5 years until it's worth what I owe on it, and then would take 9-10 to get back to what I paid for it.  

I ended up having to fall behind on the mortgage to pay other things.  I'd been behind and gotten caught up before, but this time I just didn't have the fortitude to really fight through it all again.

So I hired a realtor that specializes in Short Sales, and that's gone okay.  We have an offer, it's accepted by the bank, the appraisal is done, just waiting for HUD to give final approval since it's an FHA loan.  Closing date is 4/26.  I've been looking at potential rentals, but they really move quick here.  I can get a rental that's nice, in a good school zone, and will be able to accommodate any needs I need for housing for a long time, and for about $800 less a month than my current mortgage.  I don't know where yet, but I know I'll get something.

Here's the thing.  I like my house.  I like my neighborhood.  I like the location.  I've really liked living there.  It's got a finished basement that was my man cave prior to divorcing.  I'd wanted to be able to save up and buy new stuff and make it my man cave again.  This house represents dreams.  I had hopes to add another kid or two and the house was perfect for it.  I guess this is the final, last thing from prior dreams when I was married, etc. that I'm now letting go of.  And I'm really pissed now about it.

Thanks to paying off legal debt, child support, daycare expenses, etc. that I would not be paying right now if things had gone differently for my marriage, my expenses are around $1500-2000 a month higher than they would have been otherwise.  I didn't cheat, and screw ex-wife over so bad for so long... . I didn't create such bad conditions.  I just had to get out of it eventually.  Nobody should have to endure what we've all been through here.  I guess I'm just re-experiencing old anger from bearing the brunt of the fallout for a bad situation I didn't create.  She ran up huge debts, hid it, and then got to walk scott free from it.  

I hate packing and moving.  Such a pain in the arse.  And I don't want to do it.  Even though I know I need to.  And I know once this is done, I'll be better off.  And my son will be better off.  And I'll be fine.  But the whole thing just was just unfair and continues to be.  There's no justice.  And I usually do okay with not letting what I can't change bother me.  just at this particular moment, I'm mad about it again.  And I'm mad that I'm being affected emotionally by it again too.

And I'm also mad that i didn't ditch the house 4 years ago in the thick of the divorce.  I had a chance to just walk.  :)eed in lieu it to the bank, and be protected legally from still oweing on it, etc.  I worked out just the savings in housing costs would have saved me $50-70k since then.  And I'd soon be in a great place to take advantage of low cost, nice houses and low interest rates to buy a new one now.  i think a deed in lieu doesn't affect your credit after 5 years or something?  I'd be in great shape.  At the time, I was thinking it was the house my son was used to, wanted to keep some semblance of stability for him, etc.  You know what, he's shown he can roll with changes a lot easier than I can!  And i was just stubborn.  Let my emotions of not wanting to have the stigma of something like get in the way of logical judgement.  

Who could have known that the values would plunge so far too?  At the time, the standard wisdom was hang on to it, the values will come back from the small drop it was at the time quick, and then sell it and use the proceeds to pay off the legal debt.  So much for that plan.

It's like the perfect storm of conditions that you can't control hit.  It wasn't any one problem.  It sucks.  

2-3 years for now I'll be able to buy again, hopefully.  And I'm really looking forward to it already.

[Waddams]

Not sure where the best place to put this is.  :)ecided to do it here.

My house is just too expensive for me now.  Especially with having just bought a new car (old one died, had to buy a new one).  First time I've had a car payment in 7 years.  It's been hard to keep up with the mortgage, bills, etc.  The house has maintenance needs and I just don't have the cash to do it.  I also don't the cash for things like soccer league for my son, etc. without it being very difficult, as in skimping on lunch for me at work, and things like that.

When I first bought the car, I also had HOA dues, and some other yearly bills hit.  My expenses vs. income are always at best equal, and when all those expenses hit, I was already broke.  I never can build up savings because of all this.  I'd been thinking about trying to sell because of the mortgage was too much anyway.  I hadn't because the house is upside down and since my divorce, I'd wanted to try to hang on until the prices came back.  Well, it's been 4 years or so, and the values have only dropped more, and it's projected to be another 5 years until it's worth what I owe on it, and then would take 9-10 to get back to what I paid for it.  

I ended up having to fall behind on the mortgage to pay other things.  I'd been behind and gotten caught up before, but this time I just didn't have the fortitude to really fight through it all again.

So I hired a realtor that specializes in Short Sales, and that's gone okay.  We have an offer, it's accepted by the bank, the appraisal is done, just waiting for HUD to give final approval since it's an FHA loan.  Closing date is 4/26.  I've been looking at potential rentals, but they really move quick here.  I can get a rental that's nice, in a good school zone, and will be able to accommodate any needs I need for housing for a long time, and for about $800 less a month than my current mortgage.  I don't know where yet, but I know I'll get something.

Here's the thing.  I like my house.  I like my neighborhood.  I like the location.  I've really liked living there.  It's got a finished basement that was my man cave prior to divorcing.  I'd wanted to be able to save up and buy new stuff and make it my man cave again.  This house represents dreams.  I had hopes to add another kid or two and the house was perfect for it.  I guess this is the final, last thing from prior dreams when I was married, etc. that I'm now letting go of.  And I'm really pissed now about it.

Thanks to paying off legal debt, child support, daycare expenses, etc. that I would not be paying right now if things had gone differently for my marriage, my expenses are around $1500-2000 a month higher than they would have been otherwise.  I didn't cheat, and screw ex-wife over so bad for so long... . I didn't create such bad conditions.  I just had to get out of it eventually.  Nobody should have to endure what we've all been through here.  I guess I'm just re-experiencing old anger from bearing the brunt of the fallout for a bad situation I didn't create.  She ran up huge debts, hid it, and then got to walk scott free from it.  

I hate packing and moving.  Such a pain in the arse.  And I don't want to do it.  Even though I know I need to.  And I know once this is done, I'll be better off.  And my son will be better off.  And I'll be fine.  But the whole thing just was just unfair and continues to be.  There's no justice.  And I usually do okay with not letting what I can't change bother me.  just at this particular moment, I'm mad about it again.  And I'm mad that I'm being affected emotionally by it again too.

And I'm also mad that i didn't ditch the house 4 years ago in the thick of the divorce.  I had a chance to just walk.  :)eed in lieu it to the bank, and be protected legally from still oweing on it, etc.  I worked out just the savings in housing costs would have saved me $50-70k since then.  And I'd soon be in a great place to take advantage of low cost, nice houses and low interest rates to buy a new one now.  i think a deed in lieu doesn't affect your credit after 5 years or something?  I'd be in great shape.  At the time, I was thinking it was the house my son was used to, wanted to keep some semblance of stability for him, etc.  You know what, he's shown he can roll with changes a lot easier than I can!  And i was just stubborn.  Let my emotions of not wanting to have the stigma of something like get in the way of logical judgement.  

Who could have known that the values would plunge so far too?  At the time, the standard wisdom was hang on to it, the values will come back from the small drop it was at the time quick, and then sell it and use the proceeds to pay off the legal debt.  So much for that plan.

It's like the perfect storm of conditions that you can't control hit.  It wasn't any one problem.  It sucks.  

2-3 years for now I'll be able to buy again, hopefully.  And I'm really looking forward to it already.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry Waddams - that all sucks!

I would be mad too.  I have moments like that too as my expenses are making me look around and wonder if I "should" stay in my home I love or move on - it isn't "fair" when we do things "right", yet they don't turn out the way we want or maybe even deserve.

I know you know this, but a new chapter may be absolutely great for you.  Until you settle in, the anger and another round of grief is normal under the circumstances.

Hang in there,


SB

[blecker]

One foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow, lets you piss on today.

Close your legs. Theres plenty to do today. Do it well, the rest will handle itself.

[AnotherPhoenix]

One foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow, lets you piss on today.

Close your legs. Theres plenty to do today. Do it well, the rest will handle itself.

How about: One foot in yesterday, on foot in tomorrow, gives you piss today. ... .


AnotherPheonix

blecker, If this is your quote, I hope you don't mind my tinkering with it.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Waddams,

I am sorry you are feeling so angry today. I've felt at least close to the way you are feeling. It sucks.

Wishing better days for you,

AnotherPheonix 

[laelle]

You have every right to be angry.  It sucks and its absolutely not fair. You are doing the right thing tho.  Sometimes its best to cut your losses to make the bleeding stop.

Because its the right thing to do doesnt make it hurt any less.  :'(

[Waddams]

just sent in a rental app to on a house.  it's a nice place.  hoping to get approved, then hold it with a deposit until time to move in and sign the lease.

only issue is it doesn't have the yard i wanted.  but the ones with yards i've liked, i've not liked the house.  and the neighborhood.  my current house doesn't have much a yard either.  my son and i are used to going to a park to run around and what not.  and the house has good schools, good neighborhood, etc.  neighborhood has a pool, tennis courts, playground.  just like my current place.

and this rental is a ranch style.  i'm used to 3 levels, basement, first and second floor.  ranch is much easier for moving in and out of.

i figure i can hopefully get approved for this one, hold it with a deposit, and then if i find something else i like better before moving and can get it, i can back out of this one, and get the one i like better.

but not having something lined up yet is bothering me, so i'm gonna go ahead and try to find something to have lined up and know i've got a new place to go to.  had also considered putting stuff in storage and getting a short term extended stay apartment or something until i found just the right place, but i really don't want to do that.  i want to get resettled as soon as i can.  i hate not feeling settled.  yet another reason why i held on to the current house probably longer than i should have.  was avoiding having to feel like this.

Edited to add - thanks for the kind words from everyone.  I do appreciate it. 

[waverider]

I felt like this when i split up with my ex, not BPD but messy all the same, loosing the house was like loosing a family member as I had rebuilt it from ground up. Thought I would never get over it, perfect location and everything. Now I have something 1/3 the value but found I soon mentally moved on from it as it represented my failed past, where as this house represents the now and a new future (all be it with a pwBPD in tow !)

[Cumulus]

Hi waddams, please keep us posted how it goes. I am also considering selling. I love where I am. It is so beautiful watching the sun rise over the lake. I designed the house, put in the gardens, hung the bird feeders that now attract hundreds every day. The house is me, but I am miles and miles away from civilization. There is no going for a walk down the street or going for a cup of coffee or dropping in to visit a friend. If you forget to pick up bread or milk you do without. Getting to work can be painful and is expensive with the price of gas. I feel isolated in my little bit of paradise. So perfect to grow old in with your beloved partner, which is where I was  five years ago when we built it, but now I just don't know. I don't know if I want the isolation or if I even want the memories that go with this home. I wish you well and please do let us know how you feel about the move.

[Finished]

My therapist said something about getting angry that I take to heart.

She said that when we get angry about how we are treated it shows that on some level we value ourselves. It's an alarm system saying that things aren't right. And that instead of staying in the angry place take steps to fix it.

When I think about certain times in my past that make me angry I know stop and evaluate what it was that caused me upset. Then I make sure to never repeat it again.

The right type of anger is a good thing