My own feelings of shame

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Shame is something I associate with exH but I am feeling so much of it myself at the moment. 

I am ashamed that I allowed him to deal with his shame by hurting me.  I am ashamed that I have let my children down when I should have provided more stability for them.

That's hard enough but I've had some recent conversations with close family members who I feel are angry/frustrated with me for continuing to go back and forth with exH for so long.  Tonight I was told that if I'd said 'no' to him and made him wait when he wanted to reconcile, we might be together now.

I know that they love me and that they are hurting too - he was very much a part of my extended family for so long and has cut them off.  My ex has recently become engaged to someone he's been dating for only a short while and plans to marry very soon.  I think that the finality of this - no possible future relationship with FOO and very limited one with me as a 'co-parent' - has triggered all this.

I feel responsible for my FOO's hurt.  I feel that I have been 'weak' because I didn't leave him first (though ex tells me I did by leaving him 'emotionally'!) And I feel angry about this because I was brought up in a family where people were given chance after chance; where marriage was sacred and divorce a disaster.  Where faith taught me that redemption was possible; that 'resurrection' followed 'death'.  Has been really difficult for me to fight those themes.  I can't go to church any more because I hear these kinds of messages and it mixes me up.  My exH is a clergyman (not with his own church but still in a related role) so that makes it all worse.

I am ashamed that I am struggling whilst he is so happy planning his wedding.  I can't afford to struggle too much because my kids are also finding the timing lousy and they need me.

I have good things happening in my life that I am trying to hold on to and I know this will pass but tonight it's just really hard.  I just want this wedding to happen and be over and everyone (including me) to stop going on about it.

[clairedair]

Shame is something I associate with exH but I am feeling so much of it myself at the moment. 

I am ashamed that I allowed him to deal with his shame by hurting me.  I am ashamed that I have let my children down when I should have provided more stability for them.

That's hard enough but I've had some recent conversations with close family members who I feel are angry/frustrated with me for continuing to go back and forth with exH for so long.  Tonight I was told that if I'd said 'no' to him and made him wait when he wanted to reconcile, we might be together now.

I know that they love me and that they are hurting too - he was very much a part of my extended family for so long and has cut them off.  My ex has recently become engaged to someone he's been dating for only a short while and plans to marry very soon.  I think that the finality of this - no possible future relationship with FOO and very limited one with me as a 'co-parent' - has triggered all this.

I feel responsible for my FOO's hurt.  I feel that I have been 'weak' because I didn't leave him first (though ex tells me I did by leaving him 'emotionally'!) And I feel angry about this because I was brought up in a family where people were given chance after chance; where marriage was sacred and divorce a disaster.  Where faith taught me that redemption was possible; that 'resurrection' followed 'death'.  Has been really difficult for me to fight those themes.  I can't go to church any more because I hear these kinds of messages and it mixes me up.  My exH is a clergyman (not with his own church but still in a related role) so that makes it all worse.

I am ashamed that I am struggling whilst he is so happy planning his wedding.  I can't afford to struggle too much because my kids are also finding the timing lousy and they need me.

I have good things happening in my life that I am trying to hold on to and I know this will pass but tonight it's just really hard.  I just want this wedding to happen and be over and everyone (including me) to stop going on about it.

[mango_flower]

I can relate to the feelings of shame.  But you know what - that's because we have a conscience, and in some ways are much harder on ourselves than we'd be on anyone else.  Try and depersonalise it a bit.  If this was a close friend of yours, would you say they should feel shame?

You should never feel ashamed for struggling.  If anything, he should be the one feeling bad for flaunting his happiness whilst you're struggling... .  

I want to gently challenge a couple of your comments:

Firstly, that you feel shame for allowing him to hurt you.  We all wish we had been braver/stronger/wiser. But we're not born into this world with an instruction manual. You did what you thought was best, I am presuming to keep things together, to allow him to hurt you in order that you stayed together, kept the family unit as a whole. It may not have been the most healthy way, but you tried, the only way you knew how.  If we could all be perfect, life would be so much easier - but we're not.  And you tried.

You're also not responsible for your FOO's hurt.  Many families stay in touch with a spouse who has divorced their loved one - that's between them and the spouse.  It's not your fault that he has cut them off.  He is an adult and has made his own choices.

You're also not anybody's punching bag, metaphorically.  You do NOT need to stay to fight, fight, fight. You weren't put on this earth to be unhappy.  You can only do so much.

Please be kind to yourself xxx

[fakename]

Just to add on what mango said,

There's nothing you can do about the past except learn from it.

I let plenty of people down in my life but I've taken steps to improve it and that is all I can do.

Feeling bad for myself or constantly rewinding back over my life choices I don't believe will get me anywhere. I just have to step forward and focus. Nothing else can be done and nothing to feel bad about myself for because I'm doing the right thing now. Be proud of that.

[Surnia]

clairdear

its brave to recognize the own feelings of shame! 

Did you speak with your children about it? Perhaps there is a moment when you can tell them that you feel really sorry being not so available for them in the past? Or something like: Next holidays we will do ... .   together!

I am ashamed that I am struggling whilst he is so happy planning his wedding.

And what about accepting both sides? Your struggles and his happiness?

I am very familiar with this kind of shame. I noticed recently that I am not very supportive toward my own feelings!

[clairedair]

Try and depersonalise it a bit.  If this was a close friend of yours, would you say they should feel shame?

No - I read stories here of people trying again and I don't ever think that they should be ashamed of their behaviour so I guess I am being hard on myself here.

We all wish we had been braver/stronger/wiser. But we're not born into this world with an instruction manual. You did what you thought was best, I am presuming to keep things together, to allow him to hurt you in order that you stayed together, kept the family unit as a whole. It may not have been the most healthy way, but you tried, the only way you knew how.  If we could all be perfect, life would be so much easier - but we're not.  And you tried.

I said again and again that I did not want to reconcile for 'the sake of the kids' - that we had to both want to be together.  But it was so good to be a family for the times he could manage that (we had been a family for a long time before the first split).  He was seeing a T and so I felt each time that it was worth trying again - there was always that increment of a difference in the right direction to help me rationalise an ultimately unhealthy choice!   I am much less of a perfectionist than I used to be because I realised that trying so hard to be in control of everything was disastrous.  However, I'm not totally cured!  I tried really hard to be perfect and in control and then I tried really hard to let things go and not be perfect and now I'm not entirely sure what to try.  But maybe I won't try so hard 

You're also not responsible for your FOO's hurt.  Many families stay in touch with a spouse who has divorced their loved one - that's between them and the spouse.  It's not your fault that he has cut them off.  He is an adult and made his own choices.

I do find this hard.  My family isn't perfect (but no worse than most) and I could share my frustrations with my exH but now I feel guilty because I think he has used this to justify his blackening of them.  They really struggle with the lack of closure in the same way I do.

There's nothing you can do about the past except learn from it.

I let plenty of people down in my life but I've taken steps to improve it and that is all I can do.

I made a bad mistake just at the point that the initial crisis occurred.  I 'ran away' from the shock and fear (this was before I knew about BPD) by becoming infatuated with someone else for a while.  I did learn from that - in all the times exH and I were separated, I did not date.  I wanted to make sure that I was healthy in case I dragged someone else into a mess.  i started to see a T and I am proud of the way I have grown over the years despite the drama and chaos and heartbreak.  fakename - your post has reminded me of how far I have actually come.  I need to concentrate on that instead of wallowing in shame.

Did you speak with your children about it? Perhaps there is a moment when you can tell them that you feel really sorry being not so available for them in the past? Or something like: Next holidays we will do ... .   together!

[/quote

Yes - I have apologised to my children for not being as emotionally available at times as the probably needed.   I have tried very hard to maintain some stability for them (no more moving house) and regular treats or time together one-to-one rather than huge gestures.

Thanks guys for the responses - feeling a little more grounded today. 

[seeking balance]

Shame is toxic - finding a way to feel guilt rather than shame can help in recovery.

So, you made some bad choices - it is called being human.  We all do the best we can with what we are capable of at the time.  You know better now, so you will make different choices, right?

Self-forgiveness is as important to recovery as anything else.  Positive self talk really does help to change our perceptions of ourselves.

clairedair - you are human, as humans we have flaws - be kind to yourself.  If you cannot be kind to yourself, how can you expect someone else to be?

[clairedair]

clairedair - you are human, as humans we have flaws - be kind to yourself.  If you cannot be kind to yourself, how can you expect someone else to be?

Seeking Balance - it occurred to me as I read your post that I had written about learning from a mistake and forgiving myself and moving on and yet the point of the original post was that I was now beating myself up about something else so maybe I have not moved on as much as I thought in terms of being able to deal with feelings of shame that no doubt pre-date my relationship with ex.

I have a new T and she's been great at really getting to the core stuff quickly.  I saw another T before but with her I was always going in and venting about the latest whereas now I realise it needs to be more about me and my stuff than trying to find ways of dealing with his stuff.