On the day wife files, OM taunts me by text

[Vinnie]

How this for "classy"?

I get a call from an attorney last Friday, informing me that my "soon-to-be exwife" has retained him, and the divorce papers have just been filed.

Nice of her to tell me herself.  (For two months she had been telling me she was unsure of what she wanted to do.)

Then that evening as I'm sitting on the sofa in shock about the call from her attorney, my phone beeps with a text from her new "friend" (the guy she cheated with), telling me I'm "such a wimp" for not sticking around to help load up the truck he brought over the day before to get some of her furniture. To which he added, "You will never control or manipulate her again. Do I make myself clear."

Seems he was waiting with bated breath for her to finally file so he could put me in my place and taunt me about being her protector now.

Lately the shock of her betrayal has been giving way to anger toward  HIM. He used to be a friend of mine. He induced my wife into the affair where our marriage got tossed in the garbage and our 9yo son's life turned upside down. While I realize that her painting me black has got him believing I'm a monster and undeserving of any respect whatsoever, I still have fantasies about unfortunate  things happening to him.

However, I'm struggling because I'm a person of faith, and I don't want to give place to bitterness in my life.

Over the last couple of days, I had a small breakthrough to where I'm starting to look forward with hope to a new life after this divorce is through. Regarding the OM, I found myself amused by the thought, "I'm probably going to end up feeling GRATEFUL to him for getting her out of my life, because I would never have done it on my own." 

Oh yeah, and the best revenge, if there is to be any, is: You have her now, buddy. Good luck with that. 

(Ok still need to work on the better- not bitter- thing... . )   

[SWLSR]

This part of BPD still mystifies me.  But I think it has to do with them wanting out of a marriage without becoming a lughung stock.  The lawyer thingis just about money.  They really don't care as long as they are paid.  Your exwife is a playing a con game and the further she gets into it the worse she is going to be

[mango_flower]

Well, you will get a small sense of satisfaction when they split up and she paints him black too... .

And even if you never know about it, he will realise that he was duped and will feel like a complete idiot!

[imstronghere2]

Vinnie - buddy, I struggled with what you're going through for a LONG time.  I still harbor a lot of resentment for what is now my exwBPD's husband, who was also the man she was having her affair with.  He is the classic super alpha NPD male, and I mean over the top.  Could be it's just exactly the perfect match made in Hell but now I'm at a place where it's like "Yeee-Haaaa" and thank you, you SOB for taking her away!   Only thing is - NO REFUNDS!   LOL

I'm 1 1/2 years out of my marriage and I'm really starting to feel NORMAL again.  I didn't think I'd ever even know what normal was, let alone feel that way.  Did 22 years with that woman, 19 of them married.  My life was over the day I said "I do".   Literally.  Now I'm getting it back and it feels GOOD!   And you will too.  It just takes time.  You may very well end up feeling grateful to him eventually.  All the anger you feel now is normal.  He'll look back and see how YOU were the lucky one.  This "prize" that he caught won't be wearing any gold ribbon, that's for sure.

Stay strong man.  Your son needs you now more than ever. 

[marbleloser]

Keep those texts,and every text he or she sends in the future.Emails also.

Stay in your home,or move back in if you've moved out.You have a mission now to be there for your son.

Her having a bf is going to work to your advantage in the divorce.You can focus on your son,she has someone else to focus on.Use this in your favor.You've got a little catching up to do.She's filed,so she's a few steps ahead of you and she'll be calling the shots.

Also,have you been served with divorce papers? Kinda odd that an attorney would call and give you a heads up instead of someone serving you.

[marbleloser]

Go to the courthouse tomorrow morning.If divorce papers have been filed,they'll have a copy.(These things are done over the internet by the atty now,so they should have a copy)

At the least you'll get to see what her reasons for divorce are and what she's "asking" for.

The very next step is for you to retain your own atty.

If the courthouse doesn't have a copy of the papers,don't mention that to the stbx,but do mention it to your atty.

[lockedout]

You're dealing with this OM much better than I would have - especially if he'd been a friend. I would have parked my car in the way, then not helped load up her crap. If I got one of those "make myself clear" messages, I'd say, "no, I think you should come over her and do it personally". I give you a lot of credit for keeping your sense of humor on this one.

Mine is on a dating website now (actually the same one I use, only I don't post a picture). I haven't filed for a divorce yet (waiting for emotions to become less volatile, establishing time-sharing history for our son and documenting EVERYTHING), but I'm hoping she'll meet some new guy to draw her attention away long enough for a less difficult divorce. If he starts spouting off about the details of the failed marriage, I'll let the punishment fit the crime. If he does anything to step between me and my son, implied or actual, he's leaving by helicopter (getting flown to a trauma center).  

[waitaminute]

Vinnie,

The text could have been from her... . On his phone. My BPDex did that. Problem is... . Her guy friend doesn't write or speak English )

And the sarcasm was too sharp for his style.

He could have had a friend write it buy I doubt that. It was too personal.

So... . You really never know what is true with these people.  And best to leave it alone. She could be trying to start a fight between you two.

[real lady]

Vinnie; Your situation sounds like what my brother in law had to deal with before my sister left their home and had "just broken up" with her then, 5th OM... . She has recently moved out and I do not know what she is doing... . I really think that she is HPD and that her "other guy" had some serious mental problems and he even CALLED my brother in law. This really just shows that she is SO mentally ill by evidence of her behavior and she has picked an OM who is more similar to herself.

This is REALLY a hard "In your face" situation and I would say that it would result in whatever "way that we really feel in response"... . there is NO way to prepare for it... . you are not the one who "has done wrong". I am so sorry.

Take it one day at a time and "keep moving forward"... .

[waitaminute]

BTW... . I agree with those who said you could thank him. My BPDex is trying to get back with me. I would feel that "white knight" tendency again because she probably needs the money. Her main OM is a broken deadbeat musician.

But because she put the other guy(s) ahead of me in so many ways, I can say "you chose him... . Deal with the fact that he wouldnt go to work for you. After all, he has all that charisma you raved about. See if it will pay your rent."

But I won't. I know she is mentall ill. So I'll just say good luck to her but will in fact use the truth about her choices to justify to myself my own refusal to help.

You could face the same thing if she tries to recycle you.

[Vinnie]

Ok I have to admit something I did that was sort-of bad... .  

Yesterday wife asked me if I wanted to come over to her place on Easter morning to help hide eggs for our S9. (Wife really wants this divorce to play to her audience like it's a mutual, friendly decision.)  My first thought was, I need to have a boundary about dancing to her tune, which I always seem to do. But another thought won the day... .   why pass up a golden opportunity to piss off the OM by spending this time with her?  Give him a taste of his own medicine. So I did.

I don't know where the OM was today; maybe out of town? I didn't ask her.  I spent most of the day at her place, and she was calm and sweet. It wasn't long before the thought crossed my mind: maybe she broke up with him and a recycle attempt was imminent. But that proved not to be the case, as she definitely didn't give any indication that she is having second thoughts about ending the marriage. No touching, no "come hither" looks. We pretty much just acted the part of  ex's who are now good friends.

[Hurt llama]

How this for "classy"?

I get a call from an attorney last Friday, informing me that my "soon-to-be exwife" has retained him, and the divorce papers have just been filed.

Nice of her to tell me herself.  (For two months she had been telling me she was unsure of what she wanted to do.)

Then that evening as I'm sitting on the sofa in shock about the call from her attorney, my phone beeps with a text from her new "friend" (the guy she cheated with), telling me I'm "such a wimp" for not sticking around to help load up the truck he brought over the day before to get some of her furniture. To which he added, "You will never control or manipulate her again. Do I make myself clear."

Seems he was waiting with bated breath for her to finally file so he could put me in my place and taunt me about being her protector now.

Lately the shock of her betrayal has been giving way to anger toward  HIM. He used to be a friend of mine. He induced my wife into the affair where our marriage got tossed in the garbage and our 9yo son's life turned upside down. While I realize that her painting me black has got him believing I'm a monster and undeserving of any respect whatsoever, I still have fantasies about unfortunate  things happening to him.

However, I'm struggling because I'm a person of faith, and I don't want to give place to bitterness in my life.

Over the last couple of days, I had a small breakthrough to where I'm starting to look forward with hope to a new life after this divorce is through. Regarding the OM, I found myself amused by the thought, "I'm probably going to end up feeling GRATEFUL to him for getting her out of my life, because I would never have done it on my own." 

Oh yeah, and the best revenge, if there is to be any, is: You have her now, buddy. Good luck with that. 

(Ok still need to work on the better- not bitter- thing... .   )   

That's really disturbing... .   But my story might help you and certainly will amuse you.

But it's better in a personal message... .   can't share this one publicly.

===

the short public story is that I was in a very similar situation where my ex's new bf got very involved and threatened me and made me more than a little upset.

The end of the story is he was eaten alive, destroyed. to the level I thought and she thought he was a real threat either of homicide or suicide... . and he was just a really sick guy... . and that's the danger for BPD's when they meet the wrong guy who gives new meaning to being 'triggered'.

[Vinnie]

Also,have you been served with divorce papers? Kinda odd that an attorney would call and give you a heads up instead of someone serving you.

Marbleloser,

She asked her attorney to call me rather than just have me served, because having me served "wouldn't be classy,"  in her words. Instead, she said to go to his office and the papers would be waiting for me. (It was probably more not wanting to fork over the $75 for a process server.)  And yes, her Petition requests that I pay her attorney's fees.

[lockedout]

IF you did not get the papers, DO NOT get them. DO NOT answer any if his phone calls either. By law they are supposed to officially serve you.

[Hurt llama]

I would not agree to go so full force lawyering up... . Of course must have representation but this is a very fragile process in which the rules of 'winning' are not easily defined or definable.

I would go the highest road and do things to make her more comfortable which will confuse her to your advantage. This is not a bad or evil thing... . You just want to get through it with as little damage as possible especially with children involved.

I sent you a PM.

Hope it wasn't that terrible today