guilt keeps us hovering over the scene of "crime" (which we didn't do)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

hi to you all , I'm in my early 40s in a LDR for over 3 year with a BPD . We experienced all what you here complain about. Until a year ago she just detached , rarely talking , saying that the relation had missed her up and putting distance is the best thing yet no breaking was mentioned. I had a hard painful year and today , this very day i realised that what she's doing is almost accurately listed in article about how to leave a BPD ! Funny , isn't it? I realised I'm at phase 4/5 of grief ... . denial, anger, bargaining , DEPRESSION and acceptance. To be honest i was still fluctuate between bargaining and depression until yesterday , guilt and hope mend (what you feel mistakenly to be your fault) are bad combination makes you hover longer around bargaining or shall i say offering more compromises that drains what's left of your dignity and self esteem. Today i realised that all what i thought to be faults made by me that caused the relation to collapse , were not the actual reason , or at best modest estimate , expedite the inevitable . I didn't throw the precious diamond off my hand , it jumped on it's own and blamed me for not being careful. Lose the guilt first , there was nothing more you could have done , taking guilt of the dilemmatic equation's inputs , will help you significantly sort out the rest. She showed up today after 3 days without even a text and i found my self calm and didn't even bother where was she. I lost guilt coz i started to learn here that a BPD will usually succeed in brain wash you making you feel guilty and that she's the victim. I also lost some anger coz i realized that how hurtful they are is not intended and much similar to the scorpion/frog fable , don't be angry at the scorpion , it's its mature . Just regret how you carried it on your back through the river . Special thanks to Mr. Green and Mr. Wave

[squashed.human]

hi to you all , I'm in my early 40s in a LDR for over 3 year with a BPD . We experienced all what you here complain about. Until a year ago she just detached , rarely talking , saying that the relation had missed her up and putting distance is the best thing yet no breaking was mentioned. I had a hard painful year and today , this very day i realised that what she's doing is almost accurately listed in article about how to leave a BPD ! Funny , isn't it? I realised I'm at phase 4/5 of grief ... . denial, anger, bargaining , DEPRESSION and acceptance. To be honest i was still fluctuate between bargaining and depression until yesterday , guilt and hope mend (what you feel mistakenly to be your fault) are bad combination makes you hover longer around bargaining or shall i say offering more compromises that drains what's left of your dignity and self esteem. Today i realised that all what i thought to be faults made by me that caused the relation to collapse , were not the actual reason , or at best modest estimate , expedite the inevitable . I didn't throw the precious diamond off my hand , it jumped on it's own and blamed me for not being careful. Lose the guilt first , there was nothing more you could have done , taking guilt of the dilemmatic equation's inputs , will help you significantly sort out the rest. She showed up today after 3 days without even a text and i found my self calm and didn't even bother where was she. I lost guilt coz i started to learn here that a BPD will usually succeed in brain wash you making you feel guilty and that she's the victim. I also lost some anger coz i realized that how hurtful they are is not intended and much similar to the scorpion/frog fable , don't be angry at the scorpion , it's its mature . Just regret how you carried it on your back through the river . Special thanks to Mr. Green and Mr. Wave

[squashed.human]

don't be angry at the scorpion , it's its mature . Just regret how you carried it on your back through the river . Special thanks to Mr. Green and Mr. Wave

[/quot

i meant the scorpion nature , not mature , blame on mobile T9 spilling

[sunrising]

I lost guilt coz i started to learn here that a BPD will usually succeed in brain wash you making you feel guilty and that she's the victim.

Hi, squashed.human... .    It seems to me like you may be giving your Ex a little too much credit or, more importantly, giving yourself far too little credit.  I understand how we can get caught up in guilt in these types of relationships.  I have done the same.  However, I don't feel like I was brainwashed.  Sure, my ex's actions caused me to have confusion and guilt, but I lost touch with my own values and  boundaries.  My values and boundaries are my responsibility.  Do you feel the same?

Have you read this workshop?

Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds

It really helped me understand my role in the "dysfunctional dance" and come to realize that I played a part, along with my ex. 

I also lost some anger coz i realized that how hurtful they are is not intended

Letting go of the anger is very healthy.  It seems here you're acknowledging your ex has some challenges which are out of her control.  Her challenges are most certainly out of your control.  Ultimately, it is probably best for you to learn what role you played in the relationship: Did you ignore some  early in the relationship?  I know I did.  Why did you ignore them?  Were there times during the relationship when you recognized you were taking part in a "dysfunctional dance" but you stayed anyway?  Why?

When I started asking these questions, I was able to shift the focus from my ex- a person I cannot change- onto myself.  I can change me, for the better.  A lot of pain can come from these types of relationships.  The *gift* (and I know it's hard to think that way... . ) is a better understanding of ourselves.   That better understanding leads to healthier relationships for us.  I know that's what I want.

sunrising

[motherof1yearold]

I still agree BPD's can leave you brain washed. I am in 3 different therapies still trying to get through it after divorce 8 months ago.

How exactly do you feel brain washed besides the blame shifting? Was there gas lighting involved in the relationship?

Good luck

[squashed.human]

Hey split , i wouldn't call them red flags , i call them land mines , hidden under the ground and i step on them accidentally. I marked the whole mine field that way and it kept tighting on me until i found my self just standing in tiny spot and any movement will be on those now red flagged land mines , maybe from there the relation started to change. The failurs along my path is understanding simpl tools and guides that i only found here when it was already late. I never set limits , she used to call me abusive putting rules and so i backed off from that. I wish i had Read about limits and showed her how important it is. One of my mistakes also is not able to control my anger at some points or to follow the technique of talking time off befor continue an argument. Whatever failurs i had , were not that much big to dramatically affect the relation , it's like breaking the control stick of a plane that lost it's wings

[squashed.human]

Hello mother. What i mean by brain washed is for example writing blogs and poems to my self about how cruel and how much hurtful i was and how much i deserve to be in pain. Brain washed to the limit of taking guilt for anything wrong even when it's technical glitch in our contacting tools (which later turned to be her own mistake but she jumped on me when i said "i might have accidentally done so so so"

[sunrising]

Hey split , i wouldn't call them red flags , i call them land mines , hidden under the ground and i step on them accidentally.

I like the land mine comparison      Ok, let's call them land mines.  How many did you step on before you started realizing you could spend a lifetime marking the land mines and there would always be more?  Maybe you could walk further some times without stepping on one, but there were always more land mines... .  And did you start noticing that some of the land mines, even though they weren't in the same place, were just exactly like a land mine you had already stepped on?  The question I would ask myself, to continue with the land mine metaphor, is: Why did I decide to stay on the battlefield?  What was I getting from the relationship which made it seem Ok to walk around stepping on land mines?

[squashed.human]

ok split , i get what you're asking and still in same metaphor... . The answer is no matter how harsh the battle field , a patriot wouldn't stop and i never had the intention to stop , i was just pulled out and dropped in deer crater , still in battle zone but no action , nothing bad , nothing good , just as i said , i feel like mummified deer hanging on her wall. She want me there with her but would she pat my head? No

[sunrising]

ok split , i get what you're asking and still in same metaphor... . The answer is no matter how harsh the battle field , a patriot wouldn't stop and i never had the intention to stop , i was just pulled out and dropped in deer crater , still in battle zone but no action , nothing bad , nothing good , just as i said , i feel like mummified deer hanging on her wall. She want me there with her but would she pat my head? No

I'm sorry the relationship ended for you.  There are lots of us here, myself included, who can relate to the pain which comes with that.  I have been out of the relationship with my exwBPD (diagnosed) for a little over 2 months.  I can tell you that the pain diminishes with time and taking care of ourselves.  It isn't gone, but it's nothing like it was a few weeks ago. 

Are you taking time to do things for you? Do you have family/ friends with whom you can spend time?

[motherof1yearold]

I understand where you are coming from squashed.human . I believe it to be very common for partners of BPDers to take all guilt and responsibility for every wrong doing in a relationship. At first (when you are relatively healthy) you point out to the BPD that they indeed are wrong and not you. Yet over time , because they are so adamant about the fact they can "do no wrong!" us NON BPDers find it easier to cave in and agree with them that we are at fault for everything when that indeed is not the case. We must find it easier to not argue and try to carry the weight of the relationship on our shoulders.

So since you are posting on the leaving board, are you serious about ending the relationship? Often with BPD partners you just have to go No contact which is very hard after being in a romantic relationship with that person . Perhaps easier for you since you are long distance? Also it complicates things if children are mutual between you and her.

Hope this helps a bit. 

[Clearmind]

Squashed, it appears you are moving forward – that is a great thing.

We can lament over a lost love for a long time – eventually we need to look at the facts, collect the data and make sense of it.

Are you at that stage where you beginning to make sense of it?

[squashed.human]

Hey split . I been for over 3 years between extreme joy and extreme stress. It's hard to detach and forget the good times but really losing guilt and anger helps significantly coz they distort my thinking. I have family and friends to talk to but i had slowly isolated my self and detached from them (not intentionally) , so I'm all alone except for you guys here , my bpdfamily

[squashed.human]

hi mother

I'm not doing "no contact" , she's not after me. In fact i break up few months ago and she didn't bother to check my breaking arrangements mail but i return couple of weeks later , she's the one been doing "rare contact" for over a year and she's so clear about not wanting to break (only by words but no actions not good nor bad actions). So it should be easy for me to detach and degrade the relation to distant friends same as she

[squashed.human]

Yes Clearmind , I'm at the stage of understanding my true faults , not what i was said to be faulty at. I also understand now much more about her and can make sense of the things that puzzled me. I feel bit consent and think it'll be ok by time