He wants me to stop defaming him

[atcrossroads]

My husband and I (no kids/10year r/s) have been separated and our divorce is impending.  Our communication has been strictly email for the last few months, mostly to cover issues about the house, etc.  A few days ago he sent me long, nasty emails demanding that I stop defaming him to mutual friends and his family members.  I have only spoken to one of his family members one time and have not revealed intimate details of our split except to my few closest friends and even to them I have not revealed all.  They know him, so they understand well enough.  The only one (besides those on this forum) who knows all is my therapist.

In the email, he went on and on, speaking in generalities, telling me how he is "hearing" from tons of people how I've been trashing him and telling lies about him and making him seem like a very bad person. 

I sent a response where I didn't apologize (which I imagine angered him) but told him simply that I agreed that the divorce is hard enough and that we shouldn't be defaming one another.  I went on to assure him I would not speak to any of his family members and tell him if he gave me specifics I would address them. 

Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation?  How did (or would) you handle this sort of accusation?

Thanks!

[Lady31]

Yes!  I have dealt with this.  Interesting thing is some of HIS friends havenow told me that this is how he is behaving!  To the EXTREME!

I made my H leave the house after a physical incident.  He is currently staying with his dad while we move forward with the process.  He started saying the most ridiculous things to people.  I think in an attempt to make me sound crazy so no one would ever believe me if what he was doing came out.

Frankly, I think two things are going on here and potentially could be the same in your situation:

1) It is an attempt to alleviate their own shame.  He very likely could be the one who is defaming YOU right now (as mine is) and this is his way of projecting all his crappy feelings about himself onto you.  You aren't around for him to do this directly, so he could be doing this by running you into the ground with other people.

2) Him actually accusing you of this could also be an attempt to engage you.  With my H I noticed he does this.  If there isn't a way he can positively engage me, but he wants contact - he will find something negative to contact me with.

[Lady31]

I think you handled it very well.  Don't defend yourself or let him draw you in.

[atcrossroads]

Lady, thank you for the replies and what you say about projection and attention does make sense, and it crossed my mind that he may be smearing me.  I have not heard that he is (except to his family, who happen to all believe that I am the bad guy in the split), but I must admit, I'm curious.

I guess I need to study up on smear campaigns, just in case.  

[HarmKrakow]

What did you tell them in regards of the reasons of your break up?

Anything that could have backfired to you?

Did you tell them about BPD?

[atcrossroads]

What did you tell them in regards of the reasons of your break up?

Anything that could have backfired to you?

Did you tell them about BPD?

Hi Harm,

Last year my husband had an emotional breakdown (work related incident spiraled him downward) and was very close to being admitted to inpatient.  Nothing for us has been the same since.  His parents were rightfully concerned for him, as was I -- it was a very dark and troubling time.  For a few months, his mom (also BPD (w/NPD traits) qualities) and I were communicating by phone (we live far away) more than we have during my entire r/s with husband.  After an ER visit where a psychiatrist told me he suspected BPD (w/NPD traits) (not an official diagnosis), I did share the info with his mother and with him.  This was before I knew how dangerous that could be!  At first my husband was very open to it and even enrolled in DBT -- he did/does realize there is something "off" or wrong.

But soon, he dropped the therapy, and he and his parents are adamant that he is not BPD.  I quickly realized my folly and let that drop.  Husband had had a wild youth with drugs and drinking and his parents asked me many times last year during the turmoil if he was drinking/doing drugs.  I covered for him as I always have done.

However, when we separated earlier this year, I had one conversation with a family member of his in which I revealed the true extent of his marijuana use (daily - for the whole time I've known him).  He has clearly told this family member that I was outright lying.  He has an addiction problem, but they don't want to see it.  I have only spoken to the one family member one time since I've left, and yes, it's all backfired.  I am not trying to push the issue - I want to let it go and just to finish the divorce, heal, and attempt to move on with my life.

I don't know how else to respond now.  I care for him - his emotional as well as physical (not to mention financial) health and well being.  I don't think he is doing well at all on any count, but in the emails he keeps bragging to me about how great he's doing, while in the next paragraph demanding that I quit lying about him to others.  

I hope there's not more fallout to this... .   I am at a point where I want it all to be over, want the house to be sold, and the divorce to be final.  The stress is eating me up.

I know you have had a very tough road too lately, and I appreciate your reply.  Hang in there.  We will survive and be stronger in the end!

[atcrossroads]

I neglected to answer the first and main questions:

The reason I spoke to his family member was I feel I should talk to them one time and let them know the reasons for our split.  Reasons I gave (which were all met with total denial):

- intense anger/reactionary to everything (anger becoming increasingly scary to me)

-extreme and pervasive unhappiness with everything (including me)/total negativity

-self-destructive -- drugs, alcohol, not taking care of self

Those were the main reasons.  All this was met with the refrain of "All marriages have problems" (yes, I am aware!) and "Well, didn't you provoke him that time when he smashed all the furniture?"  (really?  sure, that makes it all ok).  Denial, lots and lots of denial.

[BPDdaddy]

This is exactly what my wife has been doing.  I assume that she gained some of the details of my point of view, which included my feelings and reason for feeling the way I did when she told me (out of the blue) that she didn't love me from a couple of my buddies who are married to her friends.  I can't blame them.  I would have helped her  try to understand her husbands point too if I only saw her damsel in distress act and didn't know about how crazy she actually was behind closed doors.  She now has accused me of the same thing, that she is "hearing" from everyone that I am defaming her--when in actuality, they have only heard that I broke her heart--and won't talk anyone she thinks I have talked too, which includes family members.  Extreme paranoia, and the crazy thing is, no one can really understand this side of her because I am the only one who sees it.  It's no use explaining to anyone who has known us throughout the years, because they just can't comprehend the way she treats me in private.   

[Lady31]

atcrossroads,

Our situations sound very similar.  I left for the same reasons.  Note:  I didn't think my H would ever actually get physical but his anger was VERY intimidating and scary.  I didn't count the pushing me backwards out of the way, throwing things in "my direction" (at me?), or poking his finger in my chest as physical.  He finally broke (after 5 years together) and the physical did come through on another level (and I should have considered the others physical abuse from the onset but for some reason didn't).  Anyway - my point in saying this is that you def. have to be extremely careful.  I would NEVER have thought he would have crossed this line to this degree.

The pot every day - SAME!  He lied to everyone else too.  His family also seemed to justify his behaviors as well.  His mother lived with us for a stint when she lost her job.  She saw him breaking things, cursing me out (outside too where all the neighbors could hear), throwing my belongings around the house and outside, SPIT in my face... .   and still somehow found a way to justify all these behaviors because of the stress he was under.  After one outburst with her standing in the same room he walked past her and screamed while pointing a finger in her face "And don't you say a ___ing thing!"  ?  

Interesting - as she literally talks about his dad nonstop and what an abusive, cheating jerk he was and they have been divorced 28 years!  Yet - she finds excuses for her son.  They live in a constant state of denial and totally enable.

I recently found out that it appears he had a pain killer addiction the majority of our marriage and I had no CLUE!  ?  (When they literally live out in their man cave for months at a time and only walk by you and say good night when they come in to go to bed is one reason I missed it.)

Anyway - I think smear campaigns are VERY common and I also think that the family dynamic enables them.  Of course their family is going to see you as the bad guy, especially if they have allowed this behavior all this time.

[mtmc01]

atcrossroads,

Our situations sound very similar.  I left for the same reasons.  Note:  I didn't think my H would ever actually get physical but his anger was VERY intimidating and scary.  I didn't count the pushing me backwards out of the way, throwing things in "my direction" (at me?), or poking his finger in my chest as physical.  He finally broke (after 5 years together) and the physical did come through on another level (and I should have considered the others physical abuse from the onset but for some reason didn't).  Anyway - my point in saying this is that you def. have to be extremely careful.  I would NEVER have thought he would have crossed this line to this degree.

The pot every day - SAME!  He lied to everyone else too.  His family also seemed to justify his behaviors as well.  His mother lived with us for a stint when she lost her job.  She saw him breaking things, cursing me out (outside too where all the neighbors could hear), throwing my belongings around the house and outside, SPIT in my face... .   and still somehow found a way to justify all these behaviors because of the stress he was under.  After one outburst with her standing in the same room he walked past her and screamed while pointing a finger in her face "And don't you say a ___ing thing!"  ?  

Interesting - as she literally talks about his dad nonstop and what an abusive, cheating jerk he was and they have been divorced 28 years!  Yet - she finds excuses for her son.  They live in a constant state of denial and totally enable.

I recently found out that it appears he had a pain killer addiction the majority of our marriage and I had no CLUE!  ?  (When they literally live out in their man cave for months at a time and only walk by you and say good night when they come in to go to bed is one reason I missed it.)



Anyway - I think smear campaigns are VERY common and I also think that the family dynamic enables them.  Of course their family is going to see you as the bad guy, especially if they have allowed this behavior all this time.

That helped to read. As it definitely hurt that her family turned on me in the way they did, especially her father who started ignoring me after we had always gotten along so well.