ever seperated and still be a couple?

[Rainyren]

Last week end i blew up . hell broke loose. Yes i yelled at him told him bad things . I basically acted like a person with BPD. I lost it. I never get angry like that,  it takes a lot for me . I blew up like that 3 times in my life. i'm 30.  I can safely and proudly say that I know how to control my feelings and think in an objective way. But i lost it.  I want him out. period.

Now I did set up a boundary i guess , that's what my blowing up caused. Now he seems genuinely afraid to loose me. I think its the first time he realizes that i'm serious and i CANNOT handle his rage anymore. 

Fast forward to 2 days later. Now he is communicating. No yelling. no insults. no getting mad. I feel like we actually heard each other. Now he is happy and sweet and loving again.  I think he forgot that i want him out. Now i feel bad for kicking him out. I told him one day at a time., No plans. no decisions. Just learn to be friends again. Focus on our son. He is ok with that. but for how long? Im still not affectionate . No cuddling no i love you no kisses/.

But, i dont know if i still want him out, or what. I want to free of his abuse. Im so confused! But an idea came to me, Still have him move out  , but still see each other . then i will have a safe place to go (my home) and also, if in a few months he really is better at controlling his emotions, maybe i can move in with him again. .

Any feed back? I am only prolonging the inevitable?

[GreenTea]

My H and I separated for three months last year. I had all of my boundaries typed out. One of them was NC for 6 months unless it was SKYPing with a counselor/therapist and to talk with his daughter. Unfortunately, I backed down on that to the point he called me every time I logged on to the computer. I also took him back after 3 months. WAY TOO soon.  I told me everything I wanted to hear. He got himself in counseling. We actually had two hour conversations with no insults, belittling, criticism, etc. We did more talking in those 3 months than we had in the past 5 years... .  that is the truth! But literally after 3 days back, we were stuck in square one again.

My advice from my experience: a separation will give you the peace you crave. BUT set up your boundaries on what you will and will not accept during that separation and when reuniting and DON'T GO BACK ON THEM... .  like I did. Is he in therapy? If not, I would make that a requirement to get back together, and then no less than 6 months.

[Clearmind]

Therapeutic Separation is a way to provide you each with the space to improve the relationship by agreeing to put in the work required to reach that goal. This maybe an option you are willing to explore - your's and Hubby's choice.

Rainyren, you may agree that something needs to change. Change takes two - both you and Hubby may need to take this opportunity for individual growth and change - therapeutic separation is not meant to be used as a disguise for running from the problems in the marriage.

[hithere]

Any feed back?

When I left the second time (for good) I did continue dating my exBPD for a few months, we had an understanding that if we started a relationship with anyone else we would go our own ways.  For the first few months she tried hard to recycle me but I was not having any of it, when she realized we would not get back together she found a new victim and we both moved on.

There was still some ups and downs during that time, a few weeks here and there of no contact because I would not put up with her raging.  Having your own place protects you from the worst of it and for me it helped me get out of the FOG and start taking care of myself.

I am only prolonging the inevitable?

Yes, I would say if he has BPD and things are as you described there are only a few likely outcomes.  The most likely is a recycle back to the craziness or he will move on to a new person.

I also dreamed this type of arrangement would allow her to hit rock-bottom, realize what she had and start therapy (in fact I offered to pay and did take her to one session, she did not go back). But like everything else in a BPD relationship, it would never happen.

[artman.1]

Setting a boundry is only for you and your protection.  Being Married to my UBPDW for nearly 45 years, and finally discovering BPD, and my own Codependence has made me work this out.  She lost that loving feeling that lasted from immediately after our wedding to about two years after.  She stopped all her part of the RS, but allowed me to initiate and we proceeded to have three sons.  When we were married for about six years she started hanging around with her younger sister who was getting a Divorce.  She filed, and started cheating.  I was busy taking care of our three sons 3, 4, & 5 years old, and working full time and overtime.  I fought it and we finally reconciled.  I immediately moved us 1500 miles North to escape the distractions.  She cut off all intimacy about two years later.  That was 36 years ago, and still no RS and she is just a roommate.  I do most things around the home and work.  She watches TV from about 10AM, till 3:AM the next morning every day.  I stopped her rages about a year and a half ago.  I discovered she is BPD, and I am Codependent a two years  ago, and started working on me, and learning about BPD. 

     Boundries: I will not remain in the same location with someone who is raging, humiliating, or calling me filthy names, etc.  I did not tell her my Boundry, and just left each time she started.  It took three times and the fourth, she said, "If I say that, you will leave." and stopped raging and calling me names.  I just wish I would have known this many years ago.  Limit: I will not remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me.  I have not informed her, but I will not stay with her if she ever does this again.

     Boundries and limits are for your protection.  You must protect yourself emotionally, and physically.  I have detached with love, not anger and hate, but with understanding and compassion.  This allows me to see clearly what she is doing and what her behavior is a result of.  That is my mindfull way of figuring out what she really means and is doing, such as projecting, or victimizing herself.  She accused me of cheating on her at our 43rd wedding anniversary celebration.  With Understanding of the BPD behaviors and why, it became obvious she was projecting onto me her guilt and shame from her own past cheating.  It was in essence her admission to me that she has cheated, although she was not intending this, or even realized she was telling me her inner secrets.  Her behaviors betrayed her.  Typical BPD behaviors can allow you to know a lot more than you believe.  Her Childhood trama came from her very abusive and dysfunctional parents.  They beat her and her sisters, and essentially abandoned them as children while totally drunk out of their minds.  Her Father drank himself to death by age of 40.  There are no words to describe the intense abandonment and torture her parents waged on their children.  Her Mom was most definitly BPD.

     My UBPDW is in very bad health with Heart Failure, and Three Brain Surgeries.  At least I have been able to break up the rages and make life better for me.

Art