Help classifying my behavior please

[fakename]

So I noticed when I post on other people's threads that I feel like I hi-jack their thread by always telling my story in some way.

Why is that?

Do I have such hurt bottled in me that I need to continually get it out?

My mind is telling myself that I'm trying to provide evidence or something for the poster to relate to but I wonder if there's some underlying thing behind at the root?


Also, for as long as I can remember I always felt stupid and like people didn't actually like me.

I know it's the contrary ( most of the time I know I'm very smart and everyone thinks so too, but I am just insecure about it because of my childhood). And I have a number of very good friends and its easy for people to like me, but aside from the 13 friends in my one group, I don't keep contact with others too much and not too interested in doing so. I feel like I would rather just have a small number of people that are truly genuine and wish the best for me and never gossip or whatever about me. And I am very comfortable with that. But up until like 2-3 years ago I would shy away from people getting to know too much about me.

I don't want to type an essay so I'll just leave it at that. Just wanted to share that.

[seeking balance]

So I noticed when I post on other people's threads that I feel like I hi-jack their thread by always telling my story in some

Do I have such hurt bottled in me that I need to continually get it out?

do you?

My mind is telling myself that I'm trying to provide evidence or something for the poster to relate to but I wonder if there's some underlying thing behind at the root?

maybe it is both?  no "one size fits all answer"

Also, for as long as I can remember I always felt stupid and like people didn't actually like me.

I know it's the contrary ( most of the time I know I'm very smart and everyone thinks so too, but I am just insecure about it because of my childhood). And I have a number of very good friends and its easy for people to like me, but aside from the 13 friends in my one group, I don't keep contact with others too much and not too interested in doing so. I feel like I would rather just have a small number of people that are truly genuine and wish the best for me and never gossip or whatever about me. And I am very comfortable with that. But up until like 2-3 years ago I would shy away from people getting to know too much about me.

I don't want to type an essay so I'll just leave it at that. Just wanted to share that.

Based on this explanation, do you think you mirror, so people can relate to you - maybe as a form of empathy even?

I think the bigger question on all this is:

why does it bother you that you do this?

[fakename]

Thanks for writing seeking balance.

I don't know if the hurt is bottled or what. I don't know how I classify that stuff.

I thought I was moving on with good progress until the contact on Friday. Maybe that reawakened some hurt? 

I guess it has to if sometimes I feel like I need I tell someone my story and get a response on it. What is that? Beig needy? Needing consoling? Needing someone to just tell me they understand or just needing to get stuff off my chest?

I would have to then say that it's probably both. I do think examples and experience are good insights for others.

I used to mirror up til in high school. Then I stopped in college. Then over time I stopped trying to appease everyone and I allowed myself to have opinions rather than having to be accepted or approved by others which I kinda think I grew up with - I feel like I had to be a sheep. And that's just not me at all.  Which brings to mind my ex would try to push me back into acting like a sheep.

The way I am now, I'm very proud of. I've worked long and hard to evolve Into the type of person I am now. And then I grew a lot when I gave up alcohol and she wasn't in my life and I'm growing again after the breakup. Becoming more of an individual and doing things I like to do. Having an identity.

So I'm not bothered by who I am, but I can't help but question things because of all this and figure out what things I should put attention on and make sure I'm not heading down the wrong path.

I think I allowed some bad habits and insecurities to develop when I was in that relationship as I'm just trying to make sure I'm examining things. While I don't exactly want I be 'normal' I don't want to be unhealthy, and I guess I just need to know what is or could be unhealthy.

[laelle]

I think maybe you are wanting to be heard that you are hurting.  Something hurtful was done to you.  Thats perfectly normal.  We all gather validation from one another, thats what we are here for.  

I think as long as you dont lose sight of the need to move past it, stopping for a while and ranting about it is healthy.  I understand your hurt.  I hear you.

btw 13 friends you hang out with all the time?  WOW

I have very few friends.  Reaching out to people is something I need to work at.

[fakename]

Haha. I'm fortunate to have both of you commenting on my threads tonight.

Laelle, I appreciate that. Thanks. I guess it's comforting to know if I'm behaving normally. It's hard for me to gauge how crazy I've become.

Haha. The 13 friends, we don't see each other too often as a whole, but keep in tough almost daily on an email chain and I always look forward to a camping trip or some other activity. We all used to work together and we're all so different it's amazing how great of a dynamic we became. We all really appreciate that.

[laelle]

LOL, I dont think your crazy at all.  No more than me anyway.    I know that the whole "BPD" experience can really mess with our heads.

I think its great that you are trying to find out what role you played in your relationship with your BPD.  I wanted to save mine because I saw myself in him.

No one wanted to save me when I was down and hurt, and I wanted to give him what I didnt have.  When he started the manipulating and meanness, I overlooked it because at that time I didnt feel me being demeaned was any far leap from the bad place I was already sitting.  I didnt like myself much.

Have you come up with any thoughts about what got you hooked with your ex, and how that might play back into your earlier post?

[fakename]

i have thought about what got me hooked... .  

initially i guess cause i was just looking to hook up, and she was hot and sexy... .  

then i felt like she seemed like a sweet girl, she seemed courageous and like she didnt care what others thought, was very good at her job (shes a dietitian), seemed like she was a caring person and gave to others, seemed like she cared about me and i thought she was just treated poorly by others, (i wanted to save her), she seemed like she knew what she wanted and was commanding.  she seemed playful and fun.

so what got me hooked, i guess was me filling me need to be needed by someone. and appreciated (though i can see now i wasnt appreciated), for me to take care and look after someone... .   her looks and the sex also got me hooked.

i cant really think of anything else. i cant say that i shared a lot of laughs with her, it was mostly just tending to her sad moods and stuff, and when she wasn't sad maybe i felt like i had something to do with it or contributed to lifting her up.  it seems like (and i can be wrong) that there was always turmoil, or complaints or stress or me having to jump to her needs (whether changing my plans and rushing to see her or whatever)

i cant really think of what else got me hooked.  i have trouble even picturing her now... . and when i try to, i feel like i dont even want to touch her and i feel bad that she's in so much pain.  i dont 'love' her like i thought i did.  now, i guess its me just thinking of her sexually, but i dont even want to kiss her... . i dont think it would feel right or there would be anything behind it.  (i always felt like there was something missing from our kiss anyway, and she would even say 'you need to learn how to kiss me'... .   when we had our year off and i dated others (prematurely), i observed how my kisses with others had more behind them... .   its sad... .

[laelle]

As i was just told in another thread, its normal to be wanted by and to want to be with someone.  I think where the wrongness comes into it is what we are willing to put up with and sacrifice to stay in these relationships and the tight, firm grip they have on our hearts.

I felt the same as you.  Always a crisis or an illness.  Its funny tho because he broke up with me talking about all the drama when every day I was dealing with him being fed up with the world or needing something he did not have.  If he got it, he would immediately move on to the next thing.  Was it the same for you?

[Finished]

Ask yourself why you do this if you think you do. Your reason for doing this, if you do, is very telling.


I know that I tell stories from my life when talking to people. I also know why and have no intention of changing it .

I do it for two reasons.

1. To show empathy and understanding. I always hate it when people say "I know how you feel". I always wondered "How?" I'm explaining how so that it's not just a hollow statement but has the ring of truth to it. So that the person I'm talking too doesn't feel like they are so alone in their situation.

2. Respect for their situation. It's not my job to speak for other people. I only have my life to draw from. If I start dissecting their lives that is disrespectful from my point of view. To me it comes across as if I"m not taking them into account. Rather I'm telling them what to do or how to think or feel. It's not my job, nor is it my place, to live others lives. I can only work from my life.

I know I can be a bit long winded and talk too much, but it comes from a good place and a belief I've held for years.

[fakename]

@laelle,

yeah my ex always seemed to long for what she didnt have. and she's doing it now as well with her thinking this new job as a life coach is what would maek her happy... .   i did what i could in terms of telling her she's making a bad choice and leaving a good thing for just the idealization of the other job. (shes gonna go from a very flexible schedule and from working 4 days a week, to a longer commute, less money and a job that will be just as stressful just because she thinks she'll spend more time one on one with people ( i have the understanding that there is a whole lot of paperwork and data entry in that job)... .   but, she has some guy in her life that is telling her that it'd be good for her cause he thinks he knows her apparently... .   but i know she wouldnt even be able to handle the close to 1.5 hour one-way commute, especially with her fibromyalgia, let alone the 5 day work weeks (and they also say maybe weekends)... .   she wants less stress, but is pursuing something that will give her more!... .  

... .   and i just realized why that irks me... .   because it's soo irrational!

but yes, once she gets something, she grows bored of it quickly or thinks she needs something else... .


@finished,

yes, i do it for the same reasons as you listed... .   just as a matter of common sense and also in learning how to deal with and influence people, it helps if you give some reputation or experience behind what you say so it assists in helping them understand that you have some idea of what the other person is talking about... .   i just worry if some of my behaviors are done out of the same reasons as her behaviors and i think that has me in a funk right now, just questioning things about myself that maybe i shouldnt so much... .  

[laelle]

That must be frustrating seeing her make what you think are bad decisions for her and not being able to convince her otherwise.

In my opinion, you did all that you could really do, and you have to leave her to make her own mistakes.  Sometimes when people bang their heads against the wall

so many times they eventually learn it hurts. 

Do you feel that you are responsible for her actions in some way?

[seeking balance]

While I don't exactly want I be 'normal' I don't want to be unhealthy, and I guess I just need to know what is or could be unhealthy.

You do know that it is ok not to be perfect, right?

What Brene Brown says about Perfectionism.  It is not about achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.

How are you at letting go of the shame?

[Finished]

@finished,

yes, i do it for the same reasons as you listed... .   just as a matter of common sense and also in learning how to deal with and influence people, it helps if you give some reputation or experience behind what you say so it assists in helping them understand that you have some idea of what the other person is talking about... .   i just worry if some of my behaviors are done out of the same reasons as her behaviors and i think that has me in a funk right now, just questioning things about myself that maybe i shouldnt so much... .  

It takes time to detox from these relationships. Give yourself some time. Eventually, that feeling will pass as you get back to a more balanced, even state. Being with a pwBPD means living in extremes. It takes time to regain a sense of normalcy.

You will get there.

[clairedair]

It takes time to detox from these relationships. Give yourself some time. Eventually, that feeling will pass as you get back to a more balanced, even state. Being with a pwBPD means living in extremes. It takes time to regain a sense of normalcy.

Hi finished, thanks for this - I needed this tonight.  Not just questioning my own behaviour but also having it questioned with a couple of people close to me giving me "I told you so".  I sense their anger at having been let down too and concern for my children.  Because there have been several recycles over years that have all ended with him leaving, I'm supposed to now be moving on and not be thinking of him etc.  I try telling others that I have been through something that they haven't and it will take time to 'detox' but I feel ashamed that became 'addicted' in the first place.

fakename - now I feel like I am hijacking your thread with my stuff!

[fakename]

nice, a lot to learn and think about from the latest series of posts... .  

@laelle, i dont think i am responsible for her actions... .   maybe i used to when she had me so manipulated to thinking everything is her fault, but bottom line is she lied and cheated so i broke up with her. her choices thereafter are her own responsibility. i feel bad that she doesnt have someone trustworthy and that knows her to help hold her hand through life as she needs it, but i have done whatever i could. i think i really have. (aside from having being unemployed, but that'll change soon enough)

@seeking balance,

haha, yeah i dont try to be perfect, i'd be crazy if i did. but i do believe in pushing myself and expecting more of myself. i do remember often telling my ex that she doesnt have to be perfect and her flaws and shortcoming are what give her a sort of perfection, but i guess i also spent a good amount of time with her trying to get me to be perfect and if i wasnt she'd be disappointed or upset.

i dont know if i feel shame... .   if i do, whats it supposed to feel like?

i should also add that i'm not sure if my emotions have reached a state of normalcy yet. some moments i miss her, some i'm glad she's gone. some i hurt, some i dont, but i dont think i have anger in that mix.

@finished

living in extremes is definitely right and it for sure has had its affect on me. i guess that's the fleas.


@clairedair,

how dare you! ... . just joking... . i definitely never mind hijacking, i am just always interested in the content of the discussion and how it can help.

those people close to you who said 'i told you so' - why do you think you let them down? also, how many times did they tell you so or try to advise you against being with your ex?

i can understand your feeling of ashamed with becoming addicted to some extent. i think when i first gave up alcohol, i felt that way... .   but it was really out of my control i guess... .   i made poor decisions, and it was a result of me not knowing enough about myself to know i shouldnt have abused it or gotten involved with it. i had issues and alcohol was what i thought helped me deal with it.  i think its also a part of me thinking that feeling bad about it or ashamed about it isnt going to do anything productive for me or the solution, so dont waste the energy... .  

[Diligence]

Dear fakename,

I try to respond to posts by sharing how I can relate to them.  That is what I am looking for in responses to my posts.  When I get responses from fellow members who can relate to my feelings, thoughts, or questions I feel supported.  It feels good to know that I am not alone in my life experiences.  People's related stories often offer interesting food for thought.

I am a recovering isolationist.  Having grown up in an alcoholic/BPD household, I internalized the message that I am not good enough.  I therefore feel awkward in many social situations.  My default thinking tells me that other people do not like me because I am deficient.  So, I can empathize with your feelings.

Thanks for sharing.   

Warm regards!