Hi Really,
I started dating again rather than live in the past. I've seen a counsellor a couple of times but couldn't get another appointment for a couple of months
Living or dwelling on the past can get in the way of living one's life. But sometimes one needs to consider one's past in order to determine the best route towards a future of one's preference. Perhaps you're ready to start dating again but perhaps you're not yet ready for a serious relationship yet either... . I don't know. Having a counsellor could help you make such a determination.
So I've been on dates with 5 women. Three of them I was interested in seeing again and got rejected by all three after the first or second date. My ego was massively dented by my ex running off with my replacement getting engaged and planning the wedding we were going to have. I'm at an age where I fear that my hopes of having the family I always dreams off are fading fast. The women I've met don't compare at all to my ex and it hurts to get rejected.
You've dated 5 women so far. Three of them with whom you were interested in rejected you early. The very next thing you bring up after writing this is how damaged your self-esteem is by your ex. So I'm guessing that perhaps one has something to do with the other. When dating, you need to bring your A-game into the fray... . if you feel like damaged goods, you need to spend time with yourself to patch yourself up. Consider what you didn't like about the other 2 women you dated and try to articulate what you did like about the 3 that did not want to date you further. If any of those qualities you would describe of the 3 (or of the 2) apply to yourself, then you might consider cultivating (or eliminating) those qualities in yourself.
You are not your ex. You do not suffer from borderline personality disorder. So you cannot traverse the road that your ex has and quickly get engaged to another person as if your ex never existed.
Do your plans of happiness hinge upon having a family? Can you be a happy person without having a family now? Because in my experience, nothing is more attractive and compelling when dating, than happiness. If you can cultivate happiness in yourself... . happiness that does not depend upon whether or not another person is or is not in your life... . then people who are interested in such happiness will gravitate towards you. The trick is not *looking* happy but actually *being* happy... . Even the least clever of us are able to discern one from the other, after a date or two.
I also don't understand why are you comparing your ex to these other women you are dating. I thought that the last thing you'd want in your life now is another person like your ex. From where I stand, your ex is pretty good at appearing happy without having any of the necessary tools to cultivating happiness in herself or others. Her "happiness" is short-lived and illusionary. Isn't it? Perhaps you don't believe that.
I've got into a cycle where I feel depressed then try to get out of it by putting myself out there and trying to meet new people and when it doesn't happen I get down again.
Then perhaps you need to build a better foundation for yourself. When you try to get out of your depression... . do so without the expectation of meeting new people (at least for the purposes of dating). That will come later when your depression does not return so easily. No one wants to date someone who is depressed. Or if there is someone who wants to date you when you are feeling depressed, then they may have some dysfunction or attachment to you staying depressed. Build a life for yourself (one you can be happy about) first before you ask someone to share it with you.
My ex treated me with such contempt that she doesn't deserve a second of my thoughts. I don't think of her as much any more but I do want someone in my life.
It is good that you don't spend any more time thinking about your ex. But that is not the only prerequisite before inviting someone else into your life. Figure out what the other prerequisites are (for you).
This is the longest I have ever been out of a relationship and bottom line is I'm not happy. I see happy couples and families and wonder what I did so wrong to be alone.
This is a false formulae for happiness. It is one that I subscribed to for many decades of my life. Being in a relationship is NOT necessary for being happy. Also, you can be *IN* a relationship, *believe* that you should be happy, and still find yourself not happy. The only way to be happy is to take the time and effort to determine what it takes for *you* to be happy and go about getting/doing/finding that which you need. It is different for every person. That is the hard part. You cannot just look at someone who is happy and then duplicate what they do. You need to *know yourself*. At the very least get acquainted with yourself.
This was something that I refused to accept until I had no choice. I was caught up with the idea that the reason why I was not happy was because I did not have someone. That was why I was stuck with my ex-BPDgf for as long as I was. While I was with her, I was desperately unhappy. But I was in denial of my own unhappiness. Because I was with her. And I could not let go of my belief that so long as I was with someone, I was happy. Until the belief let go of me. And I was forced to consider that all that time I was with her, I was *still* unhappy. And only then did I realize I had to find a new way, a new formula.
I know I can't rush things but I'm struggling to break this cycle. Mall my mates are married with kids and I just don't have much social life at all.
There is no race to see who is the first to get married, or have kids, or retire, or die. For all you know, your mates are having second thoughts about whether they are ready to have kids (too late there). But if you want a social life, that is something that you could start building for yourself. A social life could actually be a good tool for "knowing yourself." What kind of social life do you think would make you happy? Experiment. Find out which beliefs you have of yourself are right, which ones are wrong. When you have a pretty good understanding of yourself, then (and perhaps only then) you might have a good idea of what kind of partner would best compliment you. Right now, I don't think you really know. Or at least right now, you are perhaps more focused on finding a partner that makes you happy, without being able to sufficiently communicate your ability to add to the other person's happiness.
I know I need to get happy being by myself before I can be happy with someone else and I can't force things but its so bloody hard.
It ain't easy. But it is a worthwhile endeavor. It is a life long endeavor.
Meanwhile she's off having the time of her life without a second thought about the damage she has left in her wake.
You say this, but I don't believe this for a second. Sure, she's all distracted with all the attention of getting married. And perhaps she is spending a lot of her time convincing everyone that this is the happiest time of her life. But I think she's trying to convince herself most of all. Because she's not. At least not while at her core there is this borderline personality disorder. It's going to eat away at the personal life she's building with this new guy, if it hasn't started to erode already. But what do you care, I thought you're not thinking about her any more? I hope to God you're not trying to beat her at her own game, because her game is mostly delusion. And for you to beat her at delusion, you'd have to be delusional yourself. :)on't be. :)o what is hard. Because it will pay off.
I wish I had never started my relationship win her. It's her 30th birthday this week. We were planning a trip to South America for a horse riding trip - she loves horses. She will be spending it with her man doing somehing amazon no doubt and I will be alone and sad.
I want to be who I was before her.
If you never had your relationship with her... . if you are the same person you were before when you were with her... . then you might just as well repeat the experience you had with her again (or three more times if you care). And go through the same elation. The same confusion. The same heart break. But as far as I can tell, you are not the same person you were before her. You are wiser and more experienced. But you do need to pick yourself back up. And that is hard.
It's her 30th birthday. So I imagine you are + or - 30 years old. I didn't start having kids until I was in my 30's. It doesn't take long to start a family. It does take a while to figure out what kind of a family you want for yourself.
... . Your formula is incorrect. Just because she is with someone on a trip to a far away and wondrous place, does not mean she is happy with that person. Or at least be happy for long. Her disorder will always undermine her most intimate relationships. You do no have such a handicap. And granted you are alone and sad now. You are still grieving over your lost relationship. You are still learning the lessons of that experience. She cannot learn from them. She is only repeating the same lesson with a new partner. And until she begins to recover from her disorder, she can only repeat this same lesson. Over and over. But with new partners.
So long as you do what is hard, you will not be sad for too long. And you will not be alone from much longer than that. And at a time when you have begun rebuilding your life in a fashion to your liking, she will be recycling yet another relationship.
Best wishes,
Schwing
