But I'm just trying to help

[daylily]

I'm getting so frustrated that everything I say and do gets viewed through my H's "BPD lens" and distorted beyond recognition.  This is especially true when I'm trying to help him.  He says I "never" consider his feelings and I "never" do things for him.  What is actually happening is that I'm considering his feelings with many things I say or do, but my words/actions are being twisted into something sinister.  Examples:

*  I am out with S5 picking up dinner for the family.  H wants something different than I want, so I'm going to two different places.  While we're out, S5 decides he wants something altogether different, so now we're going to 3 places.  H was complaining about being really hungry, so I get his food first and bring it home before going to the other two places.  I think I'm being really courteous by doing this.  I walk in with his food and explain, and instead of being appreciative, or at least understanding, he is furious that I did that without checking with him first.  I must have not wanted to eat at the table with him because now he's going to have to eat alone while I go out for the rest of the food. 

*  H is making dinner.  He asks if I want asparagus or broccoli on the side of my meal.  I tell him "whatever's easier for you."  He becomes irate with me because if he's going to make me dinner, I'm supposed to appreciate it.  (Not sure why trying to make it easier on him is not appreciative... .   )

*  H stays home during the week with the kids. He called today telling me how miserable he is, he gave up his career for this, the kids are being difficult, he never has any quality time with them, "if only" his life was like mine and he only saw them on evenings and weekends for quality time, etc.  I told him that if he's having such a hard time, maybe we should be consider some options that we had dismissed before, like maybe an in-home day care center or a nanny.  He becomes furious at me because by this suggestion I am making his sacrifice "meaningless."

If someone tries to help me and it turns out not to be helpful, I at least acknowledge the fact that they were trying to help and I certainly don't become angry at them.  I'm not sure how to address this, because there's essentially no point to "considering his feelings" (at least not the way I would do it) because it only ends in a fight.  In fact, I have to catch myself before I do "consider" them.  Suggestions?

  Daylily 

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[Chosen]

If someone tries to help me and it turns out not to be helpful, I at least acknowledge the fact that they were trying to help and I certainly don't become angry at them.  I'm not sure how to address this, because there's essentially no point to "considering his feelings" (at least not the way I would do it) because it only ends in a fight.

Once again, daylily, I feel for you.  I get that a lot too.

We would acknowledge and appreciate people's efforts to help because we're kind-hearted and we know people don't need to help us, that nobody is responsible for us but ourselves.  Unfortunately, our Hs think we are responsible for them- for "making" them happy.

My H would be the same.  Just last weekend I tidied the kitchen for 6 hours with help from my mother-in-law's helper.  H helped a tiny bit (may for a total of 30 minutes), but most of the time he was in our room doing stuff surfing the net of watching YouTube videos.  But of course you must give him full acknowledgement and he keeps on bragging about how "we all did the kitchen", like we did it equally.  Of course, if it was the other way around, he would tell me my "help" is so insignificant and how dare I brag about it.

And oh, I get the meal thing too.  Sometimes, say he asks me whether I want A or B, and I picked A, he would usually end up cooking B (or C).  But I’m supposed to appreciate it because he did it for me (even though it wasn’t what I asked for).  So basically, asking me never changes the result but because he took the effort and “involved” me, I am obliged to appreciate.

And of course, when I’m busy/ upset/ not feeling well he would still make it seem like my life is so easy because I have so much support from my husband, while when he’s down it’s the end of the world because he has a bad wife who doesn’t support him. 

Daylily, I don’t know how to change these situations.  Bring them up will obviously do no good, as they simply can’t see another person’s point of view.  I suppose this is where “radical acceptance” comes in, so that we don’t expect them to consider our views and we won’t be expecting them do anything equal.  But you know what, I’m a person too, I’m not God, and it is tough, especially when you’re tired out and all you want when you go home is for someone to not make a fuss of everything!

[daylily]

Unfortunately, our Hs think we are responsible for them- for "making" them happy.

Yes!  Thank you for pointing that out; I don't know how I missed it.  I focus on the effort or the motivation behind someone's actions. The result is more important than the effort in his mind, because I'm expected to produce results, i.e., his happiness!  If I don't "make him happy" then to him, it doesn't matter what my motivation was -- I've failed miserably.  I suppose when you're depending on another person for your well being, you'd be pretty desparate for results rather than thinking "it's the thought that counts!"  But then again, I don't ever deliver results.  Wouldn't he at some point decide that I'm not a reliable "happiness maker"?  I suppose that's why some pwBPD cheat.  Instead of looking inside themselves for happiness they move on to someone else in the hopes that that person might succeed at making them happy.

The expectations my H has are true with regard to everyone, not just me, however.  If a stranger cuts him off on the highway, he gets furious, presuming they either did it on purpose or they just weren't paying enough attention to HIM.  I point out that maybe they have a lot on their mind, but he refuses to accept that explanation.  The result is more important than the reasons behind the result.  To him, reasons are "excuses" if something affects him adversely, and he doesn't want to hear them.

But of course you must give him full acknowledgement and he keeps on bragging about how "we all did the kitchen", like we did it equally.  Of course, if it was the other way around, he would tell me my "help" is so insignificant and how dare I brag about it.

  I'm with you Chosen!   

I suppose this is where “radical acceptance” comes in, so that we don’t expect them to consider our views and we won’t be expecting them do anything equal.  But you know what, I’m a person too, I’m not God, and it is tough, especially when you’re tired out and all you want when you go home is for someone to not make a fuss of everything!

True.  I have no problem accepting that my husband isn't going to contribute as much as I do.  I don't expect much out of him so I don't get disappointed.  And I have problems delegating anyway (Type A  ) so I don't mind doing more stuff because then it's done right!  Where I run into an issue is accepting the double standards.  No matter how many times they turn up, they still get me all riled up.       

Thanks for your insight and support Chosen!

  Daylily

[Chosen]

The expectations my H has are true with regard to everyone, not just me, however.  If a stranger cuts him off on the highway, he gets furious, presuming they either did it on purpose or they just weren't paying enough attention to HIM.  I point out that maybe they have a lot on their mind, but he refuses to accept that explanation.  The result is more important than the reasons behind the result.  To him, reasons are "excuses" if something affects him adversely, and he doesn't want to hear them.

My H is like that too, which is difficult to deal with along with his hyper-sensitivity.  There was a time he handed in his notice at work, and later on he called and he was really furious because one of his colleagues who knew this had told another colleague.  He was planning to tell the other colleagues himself.  So, instead of just being upset he thought that the colleague who had blurted it out was out to get him.  I tried suggesting that maybe the colleague just didn't mean anything, but he wouldn't have any of it. 

In a way it is "comforting" that he does that not just to me but to others, but I suppose since we are the spouses, we will get way more of that, which is only natural, as we are closest to them so we are supposed to solve all their problems.