Restraining order was dismissed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My hearing was this morning. My attorney had plenty of data ( paper trail) to refute her allegations. Although a victory for me, I still felt kind of sad to see her lie so well in court. The emails we printed out from her over the last 7 months caught her in a big lie. She did not think I would save them. She tried to claim to the judge that I doctored the dates.

She also testified under oath that I picked her up and slammed her on her bed a couple years ago. No police report, no doctor bills, did not happen. I can't understand why her fabrications.

The match.com emails she sent to me she did not know how to respond. She clearly wanted to bait me into violating the restraining order but WHY?

The judge dismissed the restraining order and I was releaved and have my name restored. I am still not understanding why she wanted to hurt me so much. I told the judge that I knew I never wanted to see her again when she got the police involved. I also mentioned in court that I realized I never knew this woman when I read on the restraining order that I physically harmed her. She was so angry when the judge ruled to dismiss the order. She went into this drama that she fears for her safety. Is it possible that she split me black? I find that I still have sorrow over this whole thing. Any help? 

[swimjim]

My hearing was this morning. My attorney had plenty of data ( paper trail) to refute her allegations. Although a victory for me, I still felt kind of sad to see her lie so well in court. The emails we printed out from her over the last 7 months caught her in a big lie. She did not think I would save them. She tried to claim to the judge that I doctored the dates.

She also testified under oath that I picked her up and slammed her on her bed a couple years ago. No police report, no doctor bills, did not happen. I can't understand why her fabrications.

The match.com emails she sent to me she did not know how to respond. She clearly wanted to bait me into violating the restraining order but WHY?

The judge dismissed the restraining order and I was releaved and have my name restored. I am still not understanding why she wanted to hurt me so much. I told the judge that I knew I never wanted to see her again when she got the police involved. I also mentioned in court that I realized I never knew this woman when I read on the restraining order that I physically harmed her. She was so angry when the judge ruled to dismiss the order. She went into this drama that she fears for her safety. Is it possible that she split me black? I find that I still have sorrow over this whole thing. Any help? 

[broken3]

Swim,

Same here. First one dismissed. Second one they withdrew after I was going to request perjury and contempt.

I had 6 months worth of texts ( I requested that be the only way to communicate).

  Now the ex demands to only communicate by phone ( that will never happen).

[swimjim]

Thak you broken for your reply. I can't understand why such hate. It was like she lost the championship game when this was over. There are no winners here. Like I said, I am sad to see how easily she can lie and how badly she wanted to hurt and embarrass me. I am sad to realize she is not the woman I thought she was. She told me as recently as last Fall that she still loved me and wanted to marry me. It does not make sense.

[ForeverDad]

It does not make sense.

Of course it doesn't make sense.  It's mental illness.  When the thinking or cognition are distorted, anything can be claimed or alleged.  Anything.  Whether she really believes it or is just posturing and punishing you or both, it doesn't matter.  Now you know she is Bad News.  Avoid her.

A couple more thoughts.  Blamers often view ALL past relationships as abusive ones, yours is no exception.  Apparently too she can't handle being seen as the problem.  The fact that she was speechless about the website's contact shows she hadn't planned an excuse for that question.

However, take this to heart:  By means of this case, you have been warned.  Due to her inconsistent moods and perceptions, contact with her is risky.  Even if she initiates contact, she WILL change and revert to her roller coaster behaviors eventually.

Yes, maybe someday or someyear she may seek counseling and work on her deep issues.  Maybe.  But you can't expect that and you certainly can't count on it.  Again, far too risky.  Best to Let Go, if any feeling are left, and Move On.

Likely too at some point she will reach out to you again.  Be prepared to (1) not respond and (2) document it to your lawyer.  Lawyer may decide to pursue it if it continues.  You just want to avoid another near-fiasco and she could frame you again so easily.  Also be careful if she manages to find you somewhere and approaches you.  You've known her for a while, she knows the places you frequent.  Prepare now for such scenarios just in case, don't be caught off guard.

[broken3]

Swim,

Forever is right. My last withdrawal for abuse was because I drove by her car on MAIN street. Be very careful. The allegations could lead you into a world you probably never would have dreamed. Document everything.

Its about control and fear. In my eyes.

You are dealing with a person who thinks "outside the box, or normalcy".

Do not try and figure this out because it makes no logical sence.

Work towards strengthening yourself. And being the better person. I know it hurts and sucks.

Talk is cheap. its our actions that make us who we are.

[momtara]

As others have said, it's mental illness.  The lying is part of it.  It's hard for us to understand because we think like normal people.  I know it's hurtful that someone you loved could do something like that.  Just be careful, as the others have said.   If only someone like that could be forced into the right treatment... .  

[catnap]

I am glad that the order was dismissed.  It is extremely scary when they can lie so easily and with such conviction.

I cannot top what Forever Dad said. . .hit the nail on the head. . .avoid her, keep a record of incidents/contact, and if necessary have your L take action. 

[swimjim]

Foreverdad, I sent you a private message but don't know how to find if you responded. Although I am releaved that the restraining order was dismissed, I am still in a terrible withdrawal (yearing). Can anyone encourage me that I am better off without this person. She definitely appears to have BPD. If she does, I may have peace of mind knowing that I would have lost her no matter how much love and material things I would have given her. My friends don't want to hear about it anymore. They tell me to just move on. I want to understand things more in order to move on. Please help.   

[momtara]

That's the rough thing about friends.  They don't understand. 

Of course you are yearning.  You felt a real and deep love.  It is hard for us when this mental illness robs our loved ones and makes them push us away, when we would give them anything they wanted. It's a very contradictory illness.

You'll find a lot of people here (particularly men) struggling with this.  We women are sometimes so emotionally abused that we are glad to get away, althoguh still confused.

[swimjim]

My friends say I should be happy to be rid of her. It just isn't that easy. I keep getting emotional. It is so easy for her to move on with my ex friend.  I have lost weight over this. I would have never thought she would be this mean. :'(

[ForeverDad]

Imagine if you had married and had a child or children and then you were blacklisted.  However, you have only one consideration to trouble you, the end of a close relationship.  Although difficult to adjust and it will take time, it is far less complicated than if you had children.  Others here have to deal with an imploded relationship plus, due to having children together, attempts at co-parenting for many years to come.

Don't fret over whether it is BPD or something else.  You may never know for sure, most here still don't have any official diagnosis of the other person.  In any case, BPD is just a description of a 'pattern of behaviors or behavioral traits'.  Just stick to the behaviors and her patterns of behavior.  Your friends are correct, however it will be a while before you can look back and agree that you barely dodged a bullet so to speak.  Give it time.  Time heals most wounds, if you let it, but there may be some scars that linger.

[catnap]

swimjim

Your ex friend and you exgf did not sail off into the sunset to a perfect life of bliss. . .sooner or later he will be devalued just as you were.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Understanding what we have been through - our true reality - is very hard. So much is not as it seems. This is because our understanding of what has happened is based on our view of the relationship.

We have the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD board that will help support you through the disengaging process. 

[swimjim]

I am going through some big time withdrawal from the relationship. Please remember, She wanted to marry me so badly that every time we got together, she would bring up getting a ring. My gut instinct told me to hold off and that something was not right. Did she really love me or was she just desperate to get married. She said that she was 100 % sure she loved me and that is why she was ready right away. I am the one who held off because she seemed so desperate. She was so angry that I would not commit marriage to her so she dumped me for my best friend.

[livednlearned]

swimjim,

You'll probably get much more support for this over on the Leaving board, like catnap mentioned. Here on Family law, there are a lot of people who are in a world of hell because we got married and had kids with a pwBPD, and that nightmare doesn't end quite so easily. I don't know about others here on Family law, but I feel no small amount of envy that you can just walk away right now. You're free.

Hope you find some peace sorting through this.

[swimjim]

Thank you livedandlearned,

I have moved my situation over to L3. It started on this board because of the restraining order. I respect what members are going through in this section. I can only hope everyone here can find th peace they are looking for for having to deal with fallout from a BPD.