I'm so very anxious

[Rockylove]

So the deal is that I really feel I need to discuss the issues we've been having with anger and hash slinging.  I don't want to continue on the same path and I need him to know that I'm committed, but will not be subject to abusive language and live in fear of his anger. 

I've read some very important information on having discussions with difficult people (in general~~not just BPD) and I'm hoping I can make my boundaries clear, not JADE and be relaxed and calm when speaking with him.  I know that I'll need to apply SET and not over elaborate.  I tend to do that when I'm nervous 

Wish me luck... .   I'm gunna need it!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Good luck, Rockylove!  We're cheering for you!

   

[patientandclear]

Good luck!  Good for you.  This is important.  Let us know how it goes.   

[TigerEye]

My best wishes to you Rockylove, as p&c said, we know how important this matter is to you. Just remember that you have no control over the outcome, but take strength in the knowledge that you are standing by your values and that's the right thing to do. Good luck. 

[arabella]

Good luck! You sound ready and prepared. You're going to do great! Looking forward to your update later.

[Mara2]

Do let us know how things go- we are in your cheering section! 

I am working on this myself.  One good day, one not so good day.  It's not easy. 

[Rockylove]

You're not going to believe this... .   or maybe you will.  When I got home he was busy tilling the garden then needed more gas so asked me if I'd run down and fill the cans.  When I got back, he continued tilling so I went about my business several yards away cleaning up some briers and junk.  I looked over now and again and he was fine.  Then he let out a yelp and I went running over to him.  He said he had lost vision in is right eye and was writhing from the pain in his head.  I started to call 911 but he said not to that it would pass.  And it did... .   so he lights a cigarette (like that's gunna help if he's having a stroke)  Then he says that our friends are playing music at the brewery tonight and we should go that we need to get out a while.  Then he comes shuffling into the house and starts talking about dying by July or with his luck the stroke will only f him up.  He talks about selling the houses to his sons and yadda yadda yadda.     I made dinner and he's now sitting at his computer smoking another cigarette.  No doubt he'll have a few beers at the brewery later.  I suppose there will be some other crisis tomorrow if I bring up wanting to talk.  Big Sigh.

[arabella]

You're not going to believe this... .  

Is it a bad sign (for me) that I don't have any trouble believing this? How messed up is my head that this seems 'normal' to me?

Back to you, Rockylove. Do you think using DEARMAN might assist in getting him on board with actually having the conversation you need? I think it's too important to let him avoid, plus, the longer it drags on the more it's going to build up in both your heads until it seems overwhelming. Do you have a new plan in place yet?

[TigerEye]

... .   or maybe you will.

Totally

How messed up is my head that this seems 'normal' to me?

About the same as the rest of us who see it as 'normal' 

I'd have to agree with arabella, once it's been cited, get the talk in as soon as possible. My SO gets very twitchy once she knows we have to do this, I find it better to make the opportunity and move on to dealing with the outcome, good or bad.

Have you got an idea of what to say and how you want to say it? Are you going through it in your mind or have you tried writing it down? I find this can help define my approach and then it's all about not being distracted by the reactions. This is one of those times where you have a need to say your piece, there is no certainty to the outcome but you need to say what has to be said. This is values time, your values, find your strength by living by them.

[Rockylove]

I do have a plan... .   but it's all relative.  If he decides to get his hackles up, it's a moot point.  I'm anticipating the worst and hoping for the best.  Tomorrow is another day.  I'll give it what I've got and let the chips fall where they may.   I've been homeless before, I'm not afraid of being homeless again.  Besides... .   I've got some really terrific kids who would be more than happy to let me sleep on their sofas

[Rockylove]

So much happened last night that I've started a new thread about it.