Any codependants our there with a BPD partner?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I just am now coming to a huge realization in my life. My fiance was diagnosed with BPD about two weeks ago now and she is still trying to accept it and she is on medication and going to therapy to take care of it.

I on the other hand, have been with her for almost 4 years now (been engaged for 1 year). We are due to get married this October and something is happening inside of me. It's interesting that statistically speaking, the majority of partners of people who have BPD are codependent which if you look at the symptoms of both it can be called "the perfect fit." I have played the role of the codependent in this relationship probably since the 6th month of our relationship when I rushed over to her house because she was talking about killing herself. ever since then I have played the role of "i'm staying no matter what and I know when you are okay again, then my needs will be met."

Since that time, she colored her hair from blond to dark red; cut her hair which was to her mid back all the way up to the bottom of her ear lobe, has gained 60 pounds (she is now 5' 1" at 209 pounds), has huge stretch marks on her stomach, and has grown a significant amount of chin hair. She is 24 by the way and I am 26.

So what is my problem? Well, everything about her has changed. Since her diagnosis she has tried to be more forthcoming to me and honest (which is a improvement). She told me she cut her hair because that was a form of hurting herself. She didn't think she should or could be pretty. And now that I am coming to the realization of my codependency and trying to work on my own happiness and needs I am starting to question why I am staying in the relationship. I mean, we have had some great times over the last 4 years but the realization of my codependent controlling behavior now has really started to unravel my brain. I haven't been anxious for the first time in a long time now and am finally focusing on my own needs for once and letting her sort her own life out.

This may sound very superficial and shallow of me, but if she hadn't changed so much physically over the last 2 years then I feel like this would be easier to tolerate. Am I wrong? I can't even get a erection anymore or enjoy sex because it is just so unbecoming to see her like this. I can't help the fact the physical attraction has worn away but how could anyone blame me for the way that I feel? I mean, we're not even married yet and we are having the problems of a married couple who's been together forever. I'm seriously thinking about jumping ship and the more my head unravels, the more I can't remember why I stay in the relationship.

Can anyone give me some advice? Should I hold out? We are supposed to get married in October and everytime she starts talking about planning it and stuff I get super anxious inside because I feel like I can't marry her like this. What's to say that anything will change in the future? I am having a harder time now than before telling myself that if i hold out long enough then everything will be good finally and we will have the life together that we had planned.

I am not going to lie, I was excited to get married but I am now questioning whether i was excited about the marriage itself or getting married to her. Am I asking legitimate questions? Should I not jump to conclusions? I could really use some kind and wise words.

Thanks.

[SamsungUser86]

So I just am now coming to a huge realization in my life. My fiance was diagnosed with BPD about two weeks ago now and she is still trying to accept it and she is on medication and going to therapy to take care of it.

I on the other hand, have been with her for almost 4 years now (been engaged for 1 year). We are due to get married this October and something is happening inside of me. It's interesting that statistically speaking, the majority of partners of people who have BPD are codependent which if you look at the symptoms of both it can be called "the perfect fit." I have played the role of the codependent in this relationship probably since the 6th month of our relationship when I rushed over to her house because she was talking about killing herself. ever since then I have played the role of "i'm staying no matter what and I know when you are okay again, then my needs will be met."

Since that time, she colored her hair from blond to dark red; cut her hair which was to her mid back all the way up to the bottom of her ear lobe, has gained 60 pounds (she is now 5' 1" at 209 pounds), has huge stretch marks on her stomach, and has grown a significant amount of chin hair. She is 24 by the way and I am 26.

So what is my problem? Well, everything about her has changed. Since her diagnosis she has tried to be more forthcoming to me and honest (which is a improvement). She told me she cut her hair because that was a form of hurting herself. She didn't think she should or could be pretty. And now that I am coming to the realization of my codependency and trying to work on my own happiness and needs I am starting to question why I am staying in the relationship. I mean, we have had some great times over the last 4 years but the realization of my codependent controlling behavior now has really started to unravel my brain. I haven't been anxious for the first time in a long time now and am finally focusing on my own needs for once and letting her sort her own life out.

This may sound very superficial and shallow of me, but if she hadn't changed so much physically over the last 2 years then I feel like this would be easier to tolerate. Am I wrong? I can't even get a erection anymore or enjoy sex because it is just so unbecoming to see her like this. I can't help the fact the physical attraction has worn away but how could anyone blame me for the way that I feel? I mean, we're not even married yet and we are having the problems of a married couple who's been together forever. I'm seriously thinking about jumping ship and the more my head unravels, the more I can't remember why I stay in the relationship.

Can anyone give me some advice? Should I hold out? We are supposed to get married in October and everytime she starts talking about planning it and stuff I get super anxious inside because I feel like I can't marry her like this. What's to say that anything will change in the future? I am having a harder time now than before telling myself that if i hold out long enough then everything will be good finally and we will have the life together that we had planned.

I am not going to lie, I was excited to get married but I am now questioning whether i was excited about the marriage itself or getting married to her. Am I asking legitimate questions? Should I not jump to conclusions? I could really use some kind and wise words.

Thanks.

[bruceli]

Just by posting this should perhaps answer your own question.  Due to current information/diagnosis... .  you are in for a complicated road ahead no doubt.

[Kunoichi]

The weight gain and facial hair is a hormonal imbalance and not something she did to herself. Part of her behavioral issues could very well be related to that. Please encourage her to consult an Endocrinologist and be tested for PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. She has 2 of the most classic symptoms, weight gain and facial hair.

[arabella]

Hi SamsungUser! Welcome!

I've got to say - thank goodness you realized all of this before you got married! It's not for anyone else to tell you what you should do, that's something you'll have to figure out on your own. You're asking some good, but hard, questions here. Have you considered telling your gf that, with everything going on with her dx and your mental health work, you think you should postpone the wedding? I know this will be a difficult conversation, but a looming wedding, and all the planning that entails, is not conducive to stabilizing anyone's mental health! You don't have to tell her right now that you are having second thoughts, especially if you aren't even sure about it yet, but just say you want both of you to be healthier so that you can plan properly and enjoy yourselves. She just started treatment, a wedding is probably not a good idea even just for her sake.

Regarding the physical issues that you're noticing... .  It could require medical treatment, as Bellamina suggests (the facial hair is definitely suspicious - BPD doesn't cause that sort of thing!) If a hormonal imbalance isn't a culprit, it's very possible that some of this will self-correct now that your gf is coming to terms with her issues. Or maybe not. I think you'll have to see how it goes and perhaps get further along in your own recovery to really assess the situation accurately.

As you read through the lessons here (see the side panel ---> and do your own work, I think things will become clearer over time. You are just beginning your journey out of the FOG - don't make any hasty decisions until you can see clearly. Bear in mind, sometimes as we heal we find out that the people in our old lives do not fit in the same way into our new lives. And be prepared for your gf to come to the same realization. Who knows where you'll end up? This may ultimately strengthen your r/s or it may turn into a beautiful friendship or it may fade away altogether. All you can do is work on your own issues. I wouldn't start trying to predict the future just yet.

[SamsungUser86]

Hi SamsungUser! Welcome!

I've got to say - thank goodness you realized all of this before you got married! It's not for anyone else to tell you what you should do, that's something you'll have to figure out on your own. You're asking some good, but hard, questions here. Have you considered telling your gf that, with everything going on with her dx and your mental health work, you think you should postpone the wedding? I know this will be a difficult conversation, but a looming wedding, and all the planning that entails, is not conducive to stabilizing anyone's mental health! You don't have to tell her right now that you are having second thoughts, especially if you aren't even sure about it yet, but just say you want both of you to be healthier so that you can plan properly and enjoy yourselves. She just started treatment, a wedding is probably not a good idea even just for her sake.

Regarding the physical issues that you're noticing... .  It could require medical treatment, as Bellamina suggests (the facial hair is definitely suspicious - BPD doesn't cause that sort of thing!) If a hormonal imbalance isn't a culprit, it's very possible that some of this will self-correct now that your gf is coming to terms with her issues. Or maybe not. I think you'll have to see how it goes and perhaps get further along in your own recovery to really assess the situation accurately.

As you read through the lessons here (see the side panel ---> and do your own work, I think things will become clearer over time. You are just beginning your journey out of the FOG - don't make any hasty decisions until you can see clearly. Bear in mind, sometimes as we heal we find out that the people in our old lives do not fit in the same way into our new lives. And be prepared for your gf to come to the same realization. Who knows where you'll end up? This may ultimately strengthen your r/s or it may turn into a beautiful friendship or it may fade away altogether. All you can do is work on your own issues. I wouldn't start trying to predict the future just yet.

I did forget to add that she does have PCOS which was diagnosed just a month ago and she is going for electrolysis (which is very expensive) which would I guess explain the weight gain and facial hair but it nevertheless effects my sex drive. She is on hormone therapy now too.

I have mentioned more than once that I wanted to postpone the marriage, but (I guess b/c of her BPD) it has turned into a argument every time. She says she feels that if it doesn't happen this year then it will never happen, which i suppose is her fear of abandonment talking. So i have run out of ways to approach this with her, but I think I will bring it up during her next therapy appointment. When she was diagnosed with BPD, her therapist specifically requested for me to be at the next session so perhaps that would be a good time to bring it up again. Even though I am making some small strides with getting out of this fog in my head, this is still one of those subjects which I think strongly triggers for her.

[Kunoichi]

Wow, she's had a lot of devastating news come down on her in a short amount of time not to mention the physical changes she is going through that are out of her control. I can understand if she's acting out of sorts since her BPD and PCOS diagnosis. That's a lot to deal with at one time and it sounds to me that she is doing everything she needs to do to get better. I'm wondering what you are doing to get better. Are you in therapy?

I don't want to seem rude but it seems to me that your issues are more related to the way she looks than to her behavior. Am I understanding that correctly?

I'm not going to tell you to stay or leave that is something only you can decide but I would hope that you examine your motives for wanting to marry this girl in the first place.

[SamsungUser86]

Wow, she's had a lot of devastating news come down on her in a short amount of time not to mention the physical changes she is going through that are out of her control. I can understand if she's acting out of sorts since her BPD and PCOS diagnosis. That's a lot to deal with at one time and it sounds to me that she is doing everything she needs to do to get better. I'm wondering what you are doing to get better. Are you in therapy?

I don't want to seem rude but it seems to me that your issues are more related to the way she looks than to her behavior. Am I understanding that correctly?

I'm not going to tell you to stay or leave that is something only you can decide but I would hope that you examine your motives for wanting to marry this girl in the first place.

Yeah, we went to 6 different doctors before we got the PCOS diagnosis because of her complaints. Then in January she was diagnosed with bipolar, and just two weeks ago they changed the bipolar diagnosis to BPD.

So yeah, it's been pretty tough for her. And no, my complaints are not all physical. My point in that was that my continuing with this relationship would be easier if her appearance didn't change so drastically. I can't rely on any emotional intimacy from her, so what else do I hold onto? Regarding her personality, it is okay. But truthfully, we don't share many of my favorite things. She hates theme parks, she hates my music and openly admits it (I hate her's too), we don't talk much, and her diagnosis has got me thinking a lot especially reading everything i've read online about it. The things she doesn't like that I like wouldn't bother me so much if she wasn't so outward in telling me. Like, in a relationship you put up with things because your partner likes them and you love them but you usually don't tell them how negatively you feel about it. Right? So with the knowledge that she hates my music, hates theme parks, hates bowling, and other stuff I did before we got together... .  makes me want to not even approach the idea or go. I feel like if we go to a theme park now, I know she will hate being there... .  so why should I go if I consciously already know how she feels about it. It's like someone showing a friend your favorite possession and they say," that's stupid. How could you like that?" Wouldn't that take your peg down a notch?

From what i understand is that people with BPD are master manipulators, and their whole outward appearance from their personality to their looks is a facade to hide the massive trauma and self-hate that is inside of them. My question is, how can I continue a relationship with someone who is constantly putting on a facade with me? For such a long time i have felt like I have been manipulated into doing things I didn't want to do, but because I love her and am so willing to compromise I did them anyway only to feel manipulated afterwards and never being able to voice that.

[Latrodge]

Just a few Qs:

Why was she just now diagnosed?  :)id you prompt it, request it or demand it? Is your recent 'soul searching' being driven by her diagnosis (as in, now I know what I've been living with for 4 years)?

Your questions are valid, but I think the way you've phrased it is more of a statement on what you know you should do. If you have a legit concern about the wedding/marriage, and she turns it into an argument w/her - that is a sign of what you're in for as a married couple.  On every decision from family holidays, to jobs, to money, to vacations, to home decorating and on and on, every opinion you may have has the potential to be a 'devaluing' of her and trigger a rage.  Not a give-and-take to try to solve a mutual problem. Sure, things may change but not without a lot of work, and likely $. Further, you probably won't grow more attracted to her as time goes on.  It's hard enough to stay physically attracted to a pwBPD (who will regularly push you away) when you start out attracted to them. It gets into your head over time.  That may be your problem now, not just her looks.  If you have these concerns - postpone at the very least.    

[arabella]

I did forget to add that she does have PCOS which was diagnosed just a month ago and she is going for electrolysis (which is very expensive) which would I guess explain the weight gain and facial hair but it nevertheless effects my sex drive. She is on hormone therapy now too.

Okay. That makes sense. I do understand the attraction issue, but she is working to address the problem now that it has been diagnosed. I don't mean to be harsh here, but you were prepared to take a "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" vow and now you are upset that she temporarily doesn't look as good as she used to due to a medical problem? I mean, yes, sex and mutual attraction is very important - but this is a temporary situation. I'm also a little concerned for your future if you are putting all of this on her shoulders - what if she gets sick in the future? What if she, heaven forbid, had some sort of disfiguring accident? I mean, if this were just a matter of her 'letting herself go' that would be one thing (i.e. personality based) but this... .  You may want to do some deep introspection about the nature of this relationship.

I have mentioned more than once that I wanted to postpone the marriage, but (I guess b/c of her BPD) it has turned into a argument every time. She says she feels that if it doesn't happen this year then it will never happen, which i suppose is her fear of abandonment talking. So i have run out of ways to approach this with her, but I think I will bring it up during her next therapy appointment. When she was diagnosed with BPD, her therapist specifically requested for me to be at the next session so perhaps that would be a good time to bring it up again. Even though I am making some small strides with getting out of this fog in my head, this is still one of those subjects which I think strongly triggers for her.

Yes, a professional 'mediator' (i.e. therapist) might be very useful to you here. She may be right, perhaps it will never happen. But that is the worst reason in the world to rush into it. If she doesn't trust you to still be around next year, she shouldn't be marrying you. No one should marry a person who isn't 100% sure and on-board with tying the knot. This isn't really an argument - if you aren't willing then it isn't going to happen, there really isn't a lot to discuss.

*****

Okay, I was writing the above and it cross-posted with your reply so... .  

Calling a pwBPD a "master manipulator" is insinuating that they do it on purpose. In most cases they do not. It is just their survival instincts. It is not a facade, that's how they cope and that's who they are. Bear in mind too, she's working to change this - you said yourself that she's starting opening up to you a little more.

What attracted you to your gf in the first place? You didn't like the same things, she is critical, etc... . You also sound very sensitive to her criticism (I'm like that too!) but that is often a codependency issue that needs to be addressed within ourselves too (I'm working on it). Why can't you go to a theme park with a friend if she doesn't want to go? And she didn't manipulate you - your codependency meant that you allowed weak (or non-existant) boundaries to be trampled. Did she want those things? Yes. But it was up to you to say 'no' and mean it.

[SamsungUser86]

Just a few Qs:

Why was she just now diagnosed?  :)id you prompt it, request it or demand it? Is your recent 'soul searching' being driven by her diagnosis (as in, now I know what I've been living with for 4 years)?

Your questions are valid, but I think the way you've phrased it is more of a statement on what you know you should do. If you have a legit concern about the wedding/marriage, and she turns it into an argument w/her - that is a sign of what you're in for as a married couple.  On every decision from family holidays, to jobs, to money, to vacations, to home decorating and on and on, every opinion you may have has the potential to be a 'devaluing' of her and trigger a rage.  Not a give-and-take to try to solve a mutual problem. Sure, things may change but not without a lot of work, and likely $. Further, you probably won't grow more attracted to her as time goes on.  It's hard enough to stay physically attracted to a pwBPD (who will regularly push you away) when you start out attracted to them. It gets into your head over time.  That may be your problem now, not just her looks.  If you have these concerns - postpone at the very least.    

I am not sure why she was just now diagnosed. BPD is hard to diagnose and she has been seeing this therapist since January. Her first diagnosis was Bipolar which is a common misdiagnosis (I read) when it comes to BPD. So I guess it took her therapist a couple months to determine what it really was? Ironically enough, the day that my fiance was going to the therapist's office (day she was diagnosed during the same session) I sent her therapist a text message saying "I think her problem is more complicated than bipolar. I think it might be borderline personality disorder." And she replied," I know, we are discussing that now." So I think her therapist had suspected the diagnosis but wanted to be sure before telling her. Even after my fiance got home from the appointment she said she thinks that her therapist suspected BPD for a while.

She in the recent days has been making a attempt to better listen to my suggestions on how to do things and thanking me for my input. So that is a start I guess. But she really easily gets overwhelmed at simple things that i keep saying," it's no big deal." But to her it's a huge deal.

[zaqsert]

But she really easily gets overwhelmed at simple things that i keep saying," it's no big deal." But to her it's a huge deal.

This is an important one to be aware of.  I learned it the hard way.  When someone feels that something is a big deal, it is certainly not uncommon for us to share our view and say "It's no big deal".  Many people are open to our alternate way of seeing the same situation, and it may help bring them back down.

But for a pwBPD, hearing "It's no big deal" can come across as a big invalidation.  They can hear it as if instead we had said "Your feelings about this being a big deal are absolutely wrong.  You got it all wrong.  You suck.  You always get it wrong.  You must be useless.  Why am I even here with you?"  Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating just a bit, but you probably get the idea.

Validating their feelings might look something like "I see that this is making you really upset. It looks like you are worried about what might happen."  Then let them talk.  If she is emotionally worked up, the time for you to share your views may be later, when things have calmed down.

Just be sure that you are working on yourself too so that you have an outlet of your own.  That way if your fiancee is not ready to hear your views for some period of time, you don't build up resentment.

[artman.1]

After reading this post, I have noticed that you are focused on your PWBPD Fiance when you need to focus on YOU!  If you are codependent, and realize that then you need to accept it and do something about it.  DO YOU HAVE A THERAPIST?  If not, you need one seriously to help set yourself off in the right direction.  Look for a T that specializes in BPD/Codependent issues.  Look at yourself and work on yourself.

     After that being said, I can say that I have gone the course with a 45 year marriage to a BPD and things have gotten progressively worse over the years.  I just found out about BPD, 2.5 years ago.  I am Codependent, and have a Therapist who specializes in BPD and facilitates DBT therapy with BPDs.  I joined CODA, Codependents Anonymous.  That has helped me tremendously.  My UBPDW is still in denial, and blames all on me and is projecting, blaming, and showing all the BPD traits except self harm, unless the obesity is part of self harm.  She weighs somewhere around 300 lbs.  After establishing boundries, I have been able to deminish her rages.  My T continues to suggest I leave, but refrains from that as a full blown advise.  Of course it is up to us.  If you stay and have children, then you will probably feel very stuck because they must be protected, loved, and nurtured.

Art

[justmef27]

Oh boy, this is so ironical... .  I just posted how I wish I didn't ignore all the  and marry my undiagnosed H. It would sure saved me a lot of trouble. We are separated now. Then I read your post... .  

We've been together for 4 yrs before getting married, just like you guys. And now after 4 yrs of marriage, I just exploded, couldn't take it anymore and kicked him out. I'm almost persuaded into taking him back but it's hard work I'm in for. Focused on ME, and ONLY ME. Because I can not change who he is. I can only change the way I act towards him, learn that I'm the adult in this marriage and learn to accept I will not live the dream, because I married someone like this, but I can make it bearable and one day who knows... .  maybe so much more.

Yes, to H everything it's a big deal too. I understand where you're coming from. It's quite shocking, you never actually get used to it. What I did was try to avoid the unfamiliar, the new, the things he might consider as a burden... .  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. There is so much unpredictable coming your way in life, that there's no way you can protect them and therefore your psyche as a result of their tantrums. Unless you learn detachment.

I could write for days but this is your topic

There are people here really advised to help you.

Take care.

[SamsungUser86]

Oh boy, this is so ironical... .  I just posted how I wish I didn't ignore all the  and marry my undiagnosed H. It would sure saved me a lot of trouble. We are separated now. Then I read your post... .  

We've been together for 4 yrs before getting married, just like you guys. And now after 4 yrs of marriage, I just exploded, couldn't take it anymore and kicked him out. I'm almost persuaded into taking him back but it's hard work I'm in for. Focused on ME, and ONLY ME. Because I can not change who he is. I can only change the way I act towards him, learn that I'm the adult in this marriage and learn to accept I will not live the dream, because I married someone like this, but I can make it bearable and one day who knows... .  maybe so much more.

Yes, to H everything it's a big deal too. I understand where you're coming from. It's quite shocking, you never actually get used to it. What I did was try to avoid the unfamiliar, the new, the things he might consider as a burden... .  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. There is so much unpredictable coming your way in life, that there's no way you can protect them and therefore your psyche as a result of their tantrums. Unless you learn detachment.

I could write for days but this is your topic

There are people here really advised to help you.

Take care.

I appreciate your perspective and I wish you luck in your relationship. One thing that has worked for me since I realized I am codependent is to acknowledge the positive in my life instead of holding onto all the negative that she has caused me. The big difference is that people with BPD can't always control what's going on and in times of crises it ALL seems legitimate in their eyes, but with me being codependent I am adding fuel to this fire and need to work on myself too.

I'm glad someone earlier mentioned the codependency thing because after reading about it, I know that's what's going on with me. It is hard for me to see anybody about it because of the immense amount of money going into my fiancee's well-being. Her therapy, psychiatrist appts per month, medications, electrolysis... .  and on top of that putting money aside for a wedding just makes it seem impossible for me to see anybody about my problems.

[Joseph54]

Hi,

I am co-dependant with a uBPDw.

She has made alot of progress and I have learned to be detached from her.

We have separated, live apart, go to therapy, see each other periodically.

Dated  3 1/2 years and married 2 1/2 years.

The relationship never got better only worse.

My health, relationship with my son, my finances, my business, my happiness, never got better only worse.

I cannot rescue her, but I can rescue me.

Had I known before I married her what it would of been like. I would not have married her but would have run from her.

She is very, intelligent, wealthy, beautiful and sexy.

She is both a bombshell and a time bomb.

I hope you find your way home.

Joe  

[whereisthezen]

If you want help for you, I 100% agree with Artman, go to a CODA meeting. It will help. Being in a r/s with a BPD partner means you have to work 1000% on yourself just like if she wants to she'll need to work a 1000% on herself.  It's hard work just to understand yourself let alone someone with a very complicated disorder as BPD is.

If she has PCOS, and is in treatment for that, have her do a full hormonal panel to see if her estrogen/progesterone/testosterone are mixed up.

There are plenty of people with hormonal disorders that find relief and that may be toppling her BPD issues or cause her to have the symptoms.  Not a doctor of course, but if it were me, even codependent me, I'd say check it out to her.  Whether she does or not is her business and own initiative.  Keep working on you, check into CODA meetings you'll really find a lot of relief in them.

[Grey Kitty]

Pardon me while I jump in mid-stream... .  this caught my eye like a 

Her therapy, psychiatrist appts per month, medications, electrolysis... .  and on top of that putting money aside for a wedding just makes it seem impossible for me to see anybody about my problems.

If I read that right, you just said that you can't afford therapy for yourself because you are saving for a wedding you aren't sure if you want or not.

That and you said that paying for all her treatment/therapy comes first.

I can't answer the question about whether to get married or not... .  but I think you would be better off spending your money on therapy for yourself first, even if it means a smaller, cheaper, or delayed wedding.

GK