zaqsert
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, starting divorce process
Posts: 300
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« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2013, 05:00:12 PM » |
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Hi CAJill,
It's great that you're asking these questions!
I can offer a few thoughts from having been in a partially similar situation to your step daughter's when I was growing up. I lived most of the year with my mom and stepdad. Lucky for me, my mom doesn't have a personality disorder. But my dad may have been uNPD, along with who knows what else. I spent summer and winter vacations with my dad. My parents lived far enough from each other that it was not practical to see him any more often than that.
My mom and stepdad were careful never to badmouth my dad. I learned later that there was plenty that they could have said, but they didn't. They offered to talk about anything, anytime. I didn't always take them up on it, but it felt like a safe place. When I would bring up problems about my dad, it was interesting how I still remember my mom at times adding the positive note that I did get some great genes from my dad. When my dad would tell me some BS story, usually about what someone in my mom's family did, and I would ask my mom about it, she would simply tell me what the actual facts had been.
It really helped me to have a safe place where I could tell my mom and stepdad about things that happened, safely feel whatever I might be feeling and be able to express it without negative repercussions, and know that they will always be there for me, with no agenda of trying to hurt or put down my dad. They were also great at supporting and encouraging my interests. In contrast, around my dad my interests didn't always matter and were sometimes ridiculed -- I was often supposed to adopt my dad's interests.
There is only one thing that I wish they had not done. My dad used to insist that I come to visit him as early as possible, often before classes ended before winter break. One year this made me miss things that I resented missing. My mom and stepdad had me write letters to my dad pretty regularly (long enough ago that we had no email, let alone Skype). In one letter I told him how upset I was about this. But when I showed the letter to my mom and stepdad before sending it, they asked me to rewrite it so as not to cause problems. If they had let me express that, maybe I would have learned to stand up to my dad earlier. Several years later, however, they did support me in taking a stand against something with my dad.
My dad on the other hand, often criticized my mom and almost everyone in her family. From early on I remember feeling uneasy about the things he said, but I suppose I knew enough not to question or openly confront what he said. For years, maybe even decades, I resented him for things he said and did.
If there is any way you can get your stepdaughter into therapy, it could help her a ton, even if only during the time when she is with you. Every bit can help. And in my case, I found much more recently that there were some things that I just wasn't ready to process as a teenager or even in my 30s, and then finally worked through more recently. But I wonder if I might have gotten there faster if I had started therapy earlier. Ok, so I suppose this makes two things that I wish my mom and stepdad had done differently.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
zaqsert
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