Such a long road sometimes

[irene76]

Hi,

My DD 27 seems to cycle through her life, using her boyfriend's life as a pattern for her own.  She is currently going to college because he did and she wants to get a better job because his friends and he are wealthy.  The relationship is just a year long, and she concentrates so much on her diet and real and imagined illnesses that I am afraid he is going to get tired of taking care of her.  I don't like the caretaking relationship anyway but the heartache is so much stronger for BPDs.   She's been to DBT and it worked wonders and she uses it, but I can just sense when she is not being honest and it crushes me with anxiety.  It's been ten years of troubles, starting out with drugs, then behavior and emotional turmoil, then breakups and job endings.  She is much better but I feel like a sword is always hanging over my head.  Is this common?

My son is recovering from opiate addiction, so the combo of the two is taking me down.  I'm struggling at work, nearly broke down last week in tears for no reason, just overwhelmed.  My ex is mental as well, and doesn't provide any support for the kids, he's more of a kid himself. 

I use [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], and it works miracles but the anxiety that I'm left with is crippling.  I've tried anti-anxiety meds, but they have such a bad rebound effect that I steer clear.  Hard enough feeling anxious without super anxiety later on. 

I know exercise, take classes, get a hobby and so on.  And I try.  I even listen to hypnosis apps to defuse the feelings.  Got a dog who I swear has emotional problems as well. 

Starting to believe the whole "dog like owner" thing. 

Anyway, I could use a success story.   Does it get better for some of you? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

irene76 sometimes it all just gets overwhelming, doesn't it? You have so much on your plate, no wonder you have issues with anxiety.

I am here to tell you it does get better. Here there are those who child with BPD has turned the corner. There are those here who are 'at peace' with their very sad situations. Then there are lots of us who struggle with varying circumstances and great challenges and difficulties. All of us here are however, a supportive bunch of darned nice people.

I was a hyper anxious person. Fortunately I am able to manage that now. There are two reasons, one I no longer have the stresses and chaos I used to have in my house; two I have learnt here a lot of skills and different ways of thinking that have allowed me to learn how to manage my emotions better (anxiety is driven by fear no?).

She is much better but I feel like a sword is always hanging over my head.  Is this common?

I think we are all on tender hooks for our loved ones and with BPD, a concerted effort to stay well is required, so there are often 'relapses', only natural I think. But whether we let that worry for the uncertainty of the future influence us or not, seems a waste of good worrying time. Why worry about something we have no control over?

So, Irene76, we are here for you. It was only last year that I joined this forum and the help it has given to me is extraordinary, I hope you are able to benefit like I have.

Tell me does your son live at home?

cheers,

Vivek    

[jellibeans]

Hey Irene

you are riding the roller coaster we all know so well. I think there are always good times and always bad too. When things are going well I feel a little dread and I wonder what will happen next.

What problems are you having with anxiety? How is it impacting your daily life? Hard to give advise when I am not sure what challenges you are having. I can relate to your daughter mirroring those she is with. My dd does this too. i think it is because they don't have any sense of self.

Are you really taking time for yourself? At times I thought I was too but even when I was out I was on pins and needles and wondered if I would get a call so when you say you are taking care of yourself I want you to really think if you can do more. Take care of yourself. I found this site a few months ago and it has helped me so many times. We all have our struggles... .   sometimes that help me to know I am not alone... .   I hope you know that too... .   we are here for you.  

[griz]

Irene:  I can so identify with that feeling of anxiety even when things are going well.  When my DD18 is having a bad time I am anxious about the present and when things are going well I am anxious about how long it will last. I don't know if antianxiety meds help with this.  I have been on one for quite sometime however it doesn't seem to take  this particular anxiety away.  I try my best to stay in the moment and when I find my mind wandering to what if... .   I try to remind myself not to think that way.  It is not easy but my T is working on this with me and it is hard work.

None of us know what the future will bring and it is not a fun way to live for any of us but I do believe that things can get better and it is wonderful to know that we are all here for each other.

I hope you have a peaceful day.

Griz

[irene76]

Thank you all.   

No, my son lives with his dad, who is emotionally unavailable (drank too much, now sober but many issues with money and other addictions).  Part of the anxiety is that his dad talks about him sort of in the third person as if he has no emotional connection to the problem at hand.  He doesn't want to monitor him or even watch him for signs that he is using.  He only communicates with me when I use exactly the right words (think large eggshells).

As I write this, my thinking is, "Wow, my life is screwed up".  Seems worse in written form.  (Smiling here).

The messages you've sent do matter, thank you for taking the time to write them.  Hope is a funny thing, you need it, but it can also send you in directions that aren't realistic. 

I feel better having talked this out.  And you are right, this board does have people who will reach out and take a minute to let others know that they are not alone.

Irene

[vivekananda]

I often say that though we are all different in our experiences with the BPD in our lives, in our families, the effect on us is the same. We all have felt that deep hurt, felt angry, frustrated, isolated, misunderstood and even at times crazy. Some describe this as a FOG, I recall for me it felt at times like I was moving through a thick fog... .   depression does that to me. There is a link below that explains what this is about.

Please feel free to explore what the site here has to offer, there is much we can learn to help us feel better.

Cheers,

Vivek   


ps let us know what you think, ok?

What it means to be in the "FOG"

[pessim-optimist]

Wonderful link Vivek !

Hi irene76,

 

lbjnltx has a wonderful success story with her beautiful daughter!

So, yes, there is hope, there ARE success stories. And, we are all here to support each other, and help each other along our individual life journeys, when the going gets tough. You are welcome and safe here.

It is so overwhelming sometimes to go through all that worry and suffering alongside with our children, isn't it... .      

Many of us have been on the BPD roller-coaster for a long time, and the longing is to be able to get off, and relax.

So, there is also another kind of success: As you keep coming back to this board, and get the support, it can help you along the journey towards personal peace and healing. As you take care of yourself, and re-gain some strength, you will be able to help your children more effectively... .  

So, hang in there, irene     

[irene76]

Both of you speak directly to my heart.   

I agree with the idea of "fog", only it should be FOG because it manages to trip me up every time.   

I'm spending tonight reading posts and writing down some boundaries for myself.  Rented a good movie (splurge!) and turned off my phone.  My goal for this week will be to focus more on myself, even if it doesn't feel right. 

Thank you so much.  Can't tell if I'm BPD myself because of so many years of living with an alcoholic who changed me into something I wasn't, but sometimes I feel like I know how my daughter feels. 

Irene

[vivekananda]

Hi irene76,

I am so glad you are taking so time out for yourself. If you are happy, then those you love have a better chance of being happy.

Do you know that there is a genetic link to BPD? Someone like myself has definitely got it ridden throughout my family and I believe my dh's family also. So, I can recognise the personality traits in me that trip up my good intentions. Self righteousness is one, sense of entitlement is another, a touch of the superiorities makes the third. But having identified this, I can now work on addressing these traits and am changing them because I don't like them in anyone else or in me.

Keep on posting irene76, it is one of the easiest ways to learn 

cheers,

Vivek    

[irene76]

Vivek ,

Your post really hit home for me.  My BPD 27 asked me about six years ago if I had ever considered that I might be borderline personality.  At the time I was new into divorce and going to alanon, and thought my crazy behavior was caused entirely by spouse.  Now that I'm clearer in my thinking, I see my own tendencies.  I've always felt I was empathetic; now I can see that it is so possible to care too much for others when they don't really need the attention or help.  I didn't feel at the time I was doing anything invasive, just spent all my time making sure there wasn't an unhappy person in the room.  Doesn't leave much time for your own growth.  Her dad is a mess of alchohol, narcissism and misery, so the gene pool pretty poor.  Poor kid.      I just don't blame myself anymore for the genes, because who knew?  Hindsight is always 20/20.

Thank you for your post.     Going to do the ":)ory" thing for today "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". 

Irene

[nickyg]

Hi,

My DD 27 seems to cycle through her life, using her boyfriend's life as a pattern for her own.  She is currently going to college because he did and she wants to get a better job because his friends and he are wealthy.  The relationship is just a year long, and she concentrates so much on her diet and real and imagined illnesses that I am afraid he is going to get tired of taking care of her.  I don't like the caretaking relationship anyway but the heartache is so much stronger for BPDs.   She's been to DBT and it worked wonders and she uses it, but I can just sense when she is not being honest and it crushes me with anxiety.  It's been ten years of troubles, starting out with drugs, then behavior and emotional turmoil, then breakups and job endings.  She is much better but I feel like a sword is always hanging over my head.  Is this common?

My son is recovering from opiate addiction, so the combo of the two is taking me down.  I'm struggling at work, nearly broke down last week in tears for no reason, just overwhelmed.  My ex is mental as well, and doesn't provide any support for the kids, he's more of a kid himself. 

I use validation, and it works miracles but the anxiety that I'm left with is crippling.  I've tried anti-anxiety meds, but they have such a bad rebound effect that I steer clear.  Hard enough feeling anxious without super anxiety later on. 

I know exercise, take classes, get a hobby and so on.  And I try.  I even listen to hypnosis apps to defuse the feelings.  Got a dog who I swear has emotional problems as well. 

Starting to believe the whole "dog like owner" thing. 

Anyway, I could use a success story.   :)oes it get better for some of you? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nickyg]

It is so hard to see someone you love not coping.  I can totally relate to feeling on tenterhooks and worrying about everything breaking down as you never know what is going to happen.  As people have said to me, and it is hard to do, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. If you can, try to let go of the possible outcomes for your daughter as we never really know what will happen in the future and it can just scare us when we think about possible disasters.

It is great that your daughter has done some DBT and it works for her, also that your son is recovering form opiate addiction. So there are some positive things to see here. 

Take care. 

Nickyg

[pessim-optimist]

irene,

right on! We use the ":)ory" comment in our family too. It always makes us laugh, and it's a GREAT plan! 

[vivekananda]

Hi there,

I've never heard of this 'dory' stuff but I assume it's a fish thing - as long as it's not the goldfish thing about swimming in circles and thinking it's a new view every 30 secs... .  

If you've done that boundary stuff, make sure it is directly related to the important values in your life - I think it can be a hard thing to do, figure out the values that are most important to me. I think it's acceptance as a value for me that is the most important at the moment - so I can try to work on humility... .   I try to solve others problems too quickly... .  

Cheers,

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

I've never heard of this 'dory' stuff but I assume it's a fish thing - as long as it's not the goldfish thing about swimming in circles and thinking it's a new view every 30 secs... .  

 Vivek ,

Dory was a (yes, fish) character in the movie "Finding Nemo" (she suffered from short-term memory loss, which made for a lot of funny scenes). But she was a very nice, friendly character with a lot of optimism and positive attitude. She would sing to herself when the going got tough 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming' (she could ignore danger, which would make her look silly and brave/cool at the same time)

You've got to see it!