I know i need to set boundaries

[want2learn]

I was in a seemingly perfect relationship. I am still in this relationship, only now i have learned that my wife has been in contact with her ex and has sent him inappropriate photos on and of for the last 2 years, and actually cheated on me with him around a year ago and i only recently found out. For the first time together, this has been addressed and she is seeking counseling for this behavior as well as the BPD. I know i need to set boundaries. Would my boundary be that if i discover that she speaks with her ex again, I leave? i know this isnt the format you had, I am brand new to the idea. Ill give it a shot.

I want to be respected

there is no room for dishonesty, and cheating in our marriage

if i should discover you to contact your ex again for your emotional needs i will leave indefinately.

i should add, we are dual military married for 2 years in november, minimal rage outbursts in the last year, she is on medication, she is deployed right now, and there are no kids involved at all.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I'm so sorry this has happened.  It's a tough situation for you~~both of you, really.  Military life isn't easy on relationships especially when there's deployment.  I have no real words of wisdom for you on this.  My (now husband~~we were married last night) used to get texts from his ex-wife constantly and it disturbed me greatly.  I don't know that he has ever been unfaithful, but my personal code of ethics were made clear on that issue from the beginning.  He agreed that cheating wasn't enhancing to anyone's life and it wasn't something that he would do, but I still felt disrespected by the contact he was having with his ex.  I believe it has stopped, but I stopped inquiring because it was eating me up.  I had to let it go or the relationship wouldn't survive.  I hope that the counseling your wife is in helps her recognize the destructiveness to herself, you and your relationship and that you can find a way to forgive and let go.  Wishing you all the strength you need to cope with all of this.   

[rj47]

I don't know if I would call my response to something similar as setting boundaries. Boundaries tend to get pushed and the person with BPD will almost always stretch them to the limit.

When my BPDw engaged in an on-line affair with a man she had not seen for 30years, I had enough. Having endured 20years of being reminded constantly how desirable men found her to be I finally had to say... . "they can have you". It was not so much her desperate pursuit of the man that destroyed me. Rather, it was the soul killing things she told a stranger about me. I had bounced back from years of ridicule, humiliation, resentment, regrets and anger directed at me. Not this time. She did me in for the simple reason that I finally realized that this person I had loved for almost 30years was incapable of ever even partially loving me back.

She's spent the last year making the situation out to be my issue as having driven her to it. Along with proclaiming the guy is a loser and a fool, she insists that she would have never lowered herself to his level. What level? He had taken the high road showing restraint in the face of her overtures. I let it pass, but she is relentless and sometimes I have to remind her that she humiliated herself more than me (which sets her into a rage.

The boundary is... . if I even think she's engaging in such behavior then I am finally done. A part of me died last year and its no longer enough to credit the illness for her behavior when she still denies having a problem. She continues to try changing the narrative of the events, but I have months of e-mails. Amazing how they deny any culpability for their own bad decisions. I never bring the issue up, but she has to monthly to argue the affair and attempts to gaslight me into believing distortions. I can't, she knows it... . and it may drive her mad.

My wife is a beautiful woman with tremendous poise. She does attract men. Nevertheless, I am on the fence and care less and less each day if we make it. I now believe that what keeps her in check is the terror that someone else will want me. What a great basis for relationship! Its bad enough she accuses me of infidelity with younger women. However, she could never allow me to ruin another woman's life or... . maybe enjoy a "normal" trust based relationship. I don't cheat and have no interest in young women. Simple emotional intimacy without fear would be a joy.

Be wary of the current promises and remain vigilant until the remains of the ugly incident are fully expunged from memory. It ain't fulfilling, but it sure may be necessary for your state of being and long term emotional health.

[waverider]

When setting boundaries ask yourself does this churn me up inside? Would i be willing to act out my response and would I be happier with the result than living with the behavior?

It is important when setting boundaries that they are not just wishful thinking or demands which can be negotiated. In other words dont bluff, you have to be willing to act on them and live with the consequences. The "threat" itself is no guarantee of compliance.

Everyone's view of what is a make or break deal is different, only you can be the judge of yours.