still baffles me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Its been 7 weeks since my xdBPDgf(27) and I(31) split up, 6 weeks NC.  Im still trying to understand how i got discarded so quick.  My ex and I used to work together, and she has been after me for years.  We finally got together the beginning of this year. She told me straight up that she has BPD, and has issues. She is also bi-polar.  Our honeymoon period lasted two weeks(thats it).  She was under stress cause she had to move out of her roomates place on short notice.  We end up moving in together along with her 19 month old son.   Long story short,  she became withdrawn and distant after the honeymoon period.  She never raged at me, she just became irritable and treated me as if i did something wrong(must have percieved something). I wasnt completly black though, we still had sex just not as much.  She still told me she loved me, but her actions spoke differently.  Anyways at the end of two months being togeteher, she decided she wanted to go back to her ex who is the father of her child.  I was confused since she always told me it couldnt work between them. I guess my ego took a blow from being discarded so quick, especially after knowing her for years and the connection we had before our relationship (she was REALLY in to me for years but i was unavailable).  When we ended up together i thought i had it in the bag .  Ive read up tons on BPD since, and i know im fortunate its over, but im still like damn thats all i get two months? I believe she is the waif type with some narc traits too, she didnt seem to fear abandonment though she did make me promise to love her forever once while drunk. I have no plans on contacting her, but i do miss her alot. Though if she wasnt with her babies father i would be tempted to reconnect, but im not in the business of breaking up families.  Anyways, any thoughts on why it was so quick?  Her relationship history as far as i know consists of three LT relationships 3yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs, and numerous flings including me.  I guess i thought i was different than the rest by the way she adored me all these years.  When we got together i was mega excited, i thought she could be the ONE.  It just sucks things couldnt work out. Is there a reason some last longer than others?  I know this sounds crazy but i still want her to contact me, i guess i didnt get enough of her bad side to scare me off. I get jealous when i read all these posts from nons who cant get their ex to leave them alone.  I know its not something to envy, but she has cut me out completley.  She de-activated her facebook, and said she was going to change her cell number when she left.  Just kinda stings.

Thanks for reading.

[heyhey]

Hi all,

Its been 7 weeks since my xdBPDgf(27) and I(31) split up, 6 weeks NC.  Im still trying to understand how i got discarded so quick.  My ex and I used to work together, and she has been after me for years.  We finally got together the beginning of this year. She told me straight up that she has BPD, and has issues. She is also bi-polar.  Our honeymoon period lasted two weeks(thats it).  She was under stress cause she had to move out of her roomates place on short notice.  We end up moving in together along with her 19 month old son.   Long story short,  she became withdrawn and distant after the honeymoon period.  She never raged at me, she just became irritable and treated me as if i did something wrong(must have percieved something). I wasnt completly black though, we still had sex just not as much.  She still told me she loved me, but her actions spoke differently.  Anyways at the end of two months being togeteher, she decided she wanted to go back to her ex who is the father of her child.  I was confused since she always told me it couldnt work between them. I guess my ego took a blow from being discarded so quick, especially after knowing her for years and the connection we had before our relationship (she was REALLY in to me for years but i was unavailable).  When we ended up together i thought i had it in the bag .  Ive read up tons on BPD since, and i know im fortunate its over, but im still like damn thats all i get two months? I believe she is the waif type with some narc traits too, she didnt seem to fear abandonment though she did make me promise to love her forever once while drunk. I have no plans on contacting her, but i do miss her alot. Though if she wasnt with her babies father i would be tempted to reconnect, but im not in the business of breaking up families.  Anyways, any thoughts on why it was so quick?  Her relationship history as far as i know consists of three LT relationships 3yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs, and numerous flings including me.  I guess i thought i was different than the rest by the way she adored me all these years.  When we got together i was mega excited, i thought she could be the ONE.  It just sucks things couldnt work out. Is there a reason some last longer than others?  I know this sounds crazy but i still want her to contact me, i guess i didnt get enough of her bad side to scare me off. I get jealous when i read all these posts from nons who cant get their ex to leave them alone.  I know its not something to envy, but she has cut me out completley.  She de-activated her facebook, and said she was going to change her cell number when she left.  Just kinda stings.

Thanks for reading.

[heyhey]

^^^^By the way she has been in therapy DBT i believe since January.  She is also on meds.

[Validation78]

Hi Matt

The way you are feeling is completely understandable. I think that when we try to make sense out of a mental illness, we just prolong the agony. There often isn't any particular reason for why pwBPD do what they do, they are simply ill, and behave in ways most of us will never understand. It doesn't make it hurt less to accept this, it does make it easier to put things into perspective though. I try to focus more or making myself feel better than asking why this or that. I firmly believe that the less I focus on the pwBPD, not allowing him to plague my mind, the better off I am. It's a discipline I am working on, and getting better at as time goes on. Try to practice replacing thoughts of her with thoughts of how much better off you can be without her. Be thankful for the peace, and an opportunity to open the door to new happiness.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[heyhey]

Thankyou for the response.  I do still try to make sense of it all even though its not possible.  I am trying to better myself and let go of everything.  Some days are harder than others.  I wanted it to work out so bad.  I really thought i knew her, we worked together for 5 years and i thought the world of her.  She always made me smile, i guess she did idealize me for the 5 years we worked together.  It sure changed once we became intimate.  Gonna miss the good parts of her.

[grad]

It was so quick because

1) when they genuinely care and have something to lose it triggers abandonment fears

2) perhaps you're an alpha and didn't feel she'd be able to control you

3) she felt she wasn't good for you and eventually you'd leave her

4) perhaps you were too different than the others and it made her uncomfortable and feel like she didn't fit in

5) perhaps she lost interest and you were no longer a challenge, especially if you said "i love you" too soon

6) you made her feel vulnerable to "falling in love"

My situation was somewhat like yours and we still talk and see each other as friends and I've found out that they don't handle being vulnerable well and if you don't validate their emotions and empathize with them they become withdrawn and start seeking companionship elsewhere.

Mine left me for a tool she could control and probably had a lot more in common with her (alcohol, drugs, lifestyle) and could blend in with her sister more.  Mine's sister hated me cuz I was a threat to truly making her happy and settling down at a point when she was most miserable