I am really proud of myself

[Mountaineagle]

I left my exBPD in the end of november last year. In The beginning of January the reallity hit me and I vent down. I thank god I found out what I had been through and found this site. I have since relentlessly searched the internet for answers and strategies to cope. And by far self acceptance has been the most helpful aspect along with a new ability to write down my feelings without filters, just like they are. Got into treatment with a T who diagnosed me with relationship wounds and moderate depression.

Now, I am a musician and there was a really exciting tour booked to Russia last week. I had to answer in febuary and I imagined that I would be well enough to go. I wasn't. I looked at the itinerary and I knew it was going to be a rat race with little rest and a lot of traveling at unholy hours. Despite my current state I just decided to go and see what happened. I have not seen people for months, so the whole trip was equivalent to a moon landing for me.

So there I was suddenly on a stage singing for hundreds of people! One of my wierdest moments ever. I had informed my band of my situation and they where really really helpful. I usually do the talking from stage, but this time they just filled in for me, so I could just be in the music. I almost had an anxiety attack during the first concert but my training in dealing with it stopped it long enough so it came afterwards. I know that it only lasts for 15 min and afterwards it is only me prolonging it. I shrugged it of and darted to my hotel room leaving them to deal with the audience after show. It took 30 min before I was myself again and could join the band for dinner.

We vent on and I had only small anxiety attacks along the way, just small enough that I could pick myself up by reframing the experience. And I was really nice to myself, giving all the space I needed to myself. I did this countless times, because this was a really difficult trip, and it would have been if I was well also.

The main point in this is that I told everybody what was going on and it worked out. The fear and the shame I had in telling it was just like a needle sting when getting medication. A big deal before you are done with it, and the smallest nothing afterwards. And the rewards of it was huge. You come so much closer to other people and the band stepped up in a way I have never experienced or imagined before.

My thoughts are still filled by my exBPD by aprox 60% and there where huge triggers on this trip. The first after break up. Previously travelling like this meant hell during and after because of her abandonement issues. Recognizing this and carefully tell myself the reasons of my feelings and just accepting them smoothed out the abyss spikes in me.

I am really tired now. I came back this night and was a total wreck having left my bag with a lot of valuable stuff like my camera with all my pictures at some airport. Thankfully I found it and organized its return. Afterwards I calmed myself with an explanation that I was so tired from the trip, that it could have happened to anyone in my situation. On this trip I used all the techniques I have learned from this site and the amazing posts of all you brave people here. I am really proud of myself for jumping into it and do it even if I am not well enough.

[maria1]

Hi mountaineagle 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your story of recovery is inspirational. It is good to hear how you overcame your fears and did something even though you weren't sure you were ready. You are growing. You will get there. Great respect to you 

[Suzn]

How exciting! Good for you for stepping outside of your comfort zone just a little. Sounds like you are doing a really good job taking care of you Mountaineagle. 

[js friend]

Well done Mountaineagle.

your story shows how strong you are, and what good friends you have.

[Maryiscontrary]

This is AWESOME!

[dharmagems]

Mountaineagle,

Your story is very inspiring!  I know you are still healing and you are not feeling 100%, but I bet by doing this, working on your self acceptance work during the trip, you healed more.  You are my inspiration because I feel the same way, and many many things are happening in my life after my divorce with my exBPDh in March that is causing me so many triggers.  I too learned so much from this site from all of you and you, mountaineagle.  I am dealing with my stuff in a gentle yet truthful way.  I am learning to be a kind parent to myself and have done many sessions with myself of gentle, encouraging, and supportive self talk.  You know, it's not easy!  But I know that I'm not alone because you are doing it too.  Be well, good work.

dharmagems

[waverider]

Fear of the needle is a good saying. Acceptance therapy is good for addressing this.

Hiding behind a facade also hides you from recovery, openness as you describe helps the transition through the grief to a clearer understanding and moving forwards

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mountaineagle,  It sounds like you are facing your fears.  What seems to be the giant boogeyman usually turns out to be a figment of our imagination.  Much of what I am afraid of doesn't even exist!  For example, I fret over over the future, things that have not materialized and probably never will.  If I stay in today, and do my best in the moment, I usually find that I am ok and the Universe is taking care of me.  Take care of you!

[waverider]

  For example, I fret over over the future, things that have not materialized and probably never will.  If I stay in today, and do my best in the moment, I usually find that I am ok and the Universe is taking care of me. 

Practicing mindfulness of the moment is good for this

[Mara2]

You toured Russia?  I'm so jealous!  I am also a musician and have toured in Europe, but now sing mostly in church at home. 

Sounds like you are doing really well, even if you don't feel at the top of your game.  What is the definition of courage?  Being afraid and doing the right thing anyway.  Good for you! 

[Surnia]

Mountaineagle

What can I say: You deserve your name. 

Sincerely, you can really be proud of yourself. You kept yourself busy, exposing yourself, being in a complete different environment, its really brave. And it worked. 

The main point in this is that I told everybody what was going on and it worked out. The fear and the shame I had in telling it was just like a needle sting when getting medication. A big deal before you are done with it, and the smallest nothing afterwards. And the rewards of it was huge. You come so much closer to other people and the band stepped up in a way I have never experienced or imagined before.

Keep going in with your detaching and thank you so much for sharing!

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you so much all of you! I have had a little downer a couple of days now, just being in my place with dark blinds in front of the windows. Needing to recover. The trip was really exhausting but I am starting to feel better now, the energy is returning again. It really warms to read your comments. We are all in this strange situation tossed into a journey we never wanted to do, and we are all fumbling around to find our answers. One of the most important lessons for me on this journey is that it does not have to be perfect. Sometimes good enough is good enough and so be it. It is so good to be able to share everything with you, the bad, the in-between and the good. Oh, and I got my bag back today